thisgirlispoison

Spread ♥ not hate


Spread Love, Not Hate

I normally don’t pay much attention to event invites on Goodreads, but this one caught my eye. Bullying is something that’s a pretty big deal with the book blogging community and it should be!

I grew up being bullied. Being bullied because I was too small or because I was skinny. Bullied because I looked like a nerd or because I was in band. I can’t say I really really remember what those days were like because I tend to block memories out… but I do have a lot of those days archived in old blogs from high school and reading back on them… they’re still painful. I did my best to ignore them or convince myself the opposite of what they were saying. But of course I also had my rebel days when I wanted to prove I was cool too. Even though the truth is, no matter what you do, you still won’t be cool. At least in their eyes.

It’s horrible to think of the things that younger people face these days. And with technology being what it is, just how far it can go. Harassment meant only being harassed at school or in person. These days kids are being harassed in the comfort of their own room, online, text message… it’s insane to think about.

And it’s hard to deal with, especially when you feel like there’s no one there to listen.

But there is. You just have to say something, to someone, anyone. A close friend, a teacher (contrary to popular belief, venting to a teacher makes you feel 10x better than venting to a friend. Believe me), a counselor, your parents (if you guys are on that level)… I know my biggest fear with saying something to someone was that they would snitch on me or they would tell my parents. But that isn’t the case, if you just need them to listen then tell them. It’s not as scary as you think it is. And you’ll feel a ton better. Promise :).

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You are now invited to the other side of sanity

I miss being inspired.

I miss turning on my iTunes and having a song just completely sweep me away in a memory or a thought strong enough to get me to write. I miss having a list of things to blog about when I got home. I miss blogging. Really blogging. Really writing. It’s been years since something has really inspired me.

My mind feels like a constant hazy fog. I have bits and pieces of things I want to write about. But as soon as they come, they leave. It kind of feelings like ever since OCD hit really hard everything artistic about me just faded away. I don’t web design, I don’t graphic design, I don’t write. I don’t do anything. And I feel like all my efforts to get back into the things I loved doing, are effortless. It’s like something coming between me and my project. Like an invisible wall pushing me back.

I wanted to change that this year. And I still do, but I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to give up, but I feel so hopeless.

Then again it’s after midnight. Misery always comes after midnight…

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Super slack status!

I know I’ve been slacking on this blog, but I just really don’t know what to do with it. My categories are all messed up and I’m not really sure how to fix it. Not only that but a theme I had back in ’09 messed up the tags so some entries from then don’t have any. Darn my need to be organized and consistent.

School has started. I’m excited for my Humanities class (even if the book is freakin $105) but a little worried. At least I have the next two weeks to focus on it before I have to go back to the Uni. Which screwed up our classes and some othe stuff. After that shit ass class though I’m glad we’re taking a break. So frustrating.

Besides that not much has been going on. I’m itching to go on some big huge shopping spree but even with money in my account I’m still hesitant to go shopping like I use to. I spent about 10 minutes trying to justify buying a book for $12. Which original price was like $16. I skipped on a MAC lipstick I really wanted (and it was the last one they had). And it’s just weird. Life without credit cards really changes you. And I mean I’m glad I’m more conscious of the things I buy but sometimes I just wanna go on a spree you know?

And because a blog is boring without pictures…

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Adventures in… ear flushing

So about once a year I usually get my ears flushed. Usually my right ear gets plugged up first making sleeping on my right side very uncomfortable and that sucks because the lamp is to my left, so I spend the night attempting to sleep while facing the light.

So why don’t I turn off the light?

I can’t sleep in the dark.

Even in my apartment, I would leave the closet light on. I need light, somewhere. This use to bother my husband, but he’s grown use to it. What a good sport!

So anyway, the last time I went to the doctor to get my ears flushed, they mentioned you could easily do this at home. Here’s the deal with my husband and someone saying “you can do this at home”, he’ll do it. He will watch very carefully, ask questions and then, attempt to do it at home. I seemed to have missed this considering the assistant was flushing my ear while telling him this and it was a glob of earwax that was not coming out. I was too focused on how squishy the inside of my ear sounded.

So, it’s now that time of the year again (I really should do this twice a year to prevent my right ear epic build up) where I need to flush my ears. So husband got an earwax removal kit. Oh.

Here’s the difference between this and what I’m use to. When I call the hospital to set a flushing appointment, they tell me I need to “prep” with drops. So I skip it and I just spring it on them after a check up or something and I don’t use the drops. They just go straight to the flushing. Well, with the home kit, there’s drops and for some reason, this freaks me the fuck out. I read reviews and I have a blogger friend who does this and they say you’ll here “fizzing” and “popping” which means the solution is working then you flush. I’ll hear WHAT and WHAT? Hell no.

So last night I decided to skip the drops and go straight to the flushing. It wasn’t that bad but it sure didn’t help either. Like, at all. My blogger friend even commented that I was brave for attempting such a thing and assured me (again) the drops were the easy part. So later today, we’ll attempt the drops then the flushing. But let me tell you, I’m not excited.

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The world has suddenly shifted….

It’s raining today, but it’s not the type of rain I grew use to.

Rain here is cold, ugly and for someone who anemic, pretty frustrating. While I was in Florida, I learned to love the rain. But the rain in Florida was drastically different. It was warm (we’d still keep the A/C running even during a storm warm), it was heavy, it came with amazing lightning and thunder so loud it sounded like the sky was literally cracking open. I loved being outside. I loved standing there, watching the flashes of lightning and counting the seconds between the sky cracking open. And when it was done , it left the air stuffy and so moist that if you rubbed your fingertips together you could feel small drops of water.

To go back to this type of rain; the cold and gloomy kind, is depressing.

Maybe I’m not making it any better by playing my Disney playlist on Spotify. Filled mostly with music that they played over and over at work. But right now, I would love nothing more than for it to be last year and for me to be sorting the charms table, stitching names on the back of hats and planning my getaway plan to get Earl of Sandwich for lunch.

Sometimes life gets in the way, sometimes things come up that cause you to put your dreams on hold. Sometimes you come home for a comfort that your core aches for and you realize that it’s gone, never to come back. And sometimes you just sit on the floor, not really sure what to do because suddenly the world feels so big and you feel so lost.

I can deal with missing Disney from this far away. I can deal with missing my friends. I can deal with missing my job. I can even deal with the fact that I’m so far away from a place that never fails to inspire or lift my spirits no matter what mood I’m in.

But dealing with being in a place where I came home to see a particular pretty face and knowing I never will? Is hard. Touching the spot in my room where she would set her paws, not really sure why she can’t come in, hoping that she left behind some hair… is hard.

Today, is hard.

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Stop SOPA