thisgirlispoison

Adventures in… ear flushing

by zel

So about once a year I usually get my ears flushed. Usually my right ear gets plugged up first making sleeping on my right side very uncomfortable and that sucks because the lamp is to my left, so I spend the night attempting to sleep while facing the light.

So why don’t I turn off the light?

I can’t sleep in the dark.

Even in my apartment, I would leave the closet light on. I need light, somewhere. This use to bother my husband, but he’s grown use to it. What a good sport!

So anyway, the last time I went to the doctor to get my ears flushed, they mentioned you could easily do this at home. Here’s the deal with my husband and someone saying “you can do this at home”, he’ll do it. He will watch very carefully, ask questions and then, attempt to do it at home. I seemed to have missed this considering the assistant was flushing my ear while telling him this and it was a glob of earwax that was not coming out. I was too focused on how squishy the inside of my ear sounded.

So, it’s now that time of the year again (I really should do this twice a year to prevent my right ear epic build up) where I need to flush my ears. So husband got an earwax removal kit. Oh.

Here’s the difference between this and what I’m use to. When I call the hospital to set a flushing appointment, they tell me I need to “prep” with drops. So I skip it and I just spring it on them after a check up or something and I don’t use the drops. They just go straight to the flushing. Well, with the home kit, there’s drops and for some reason, this freaks me the fuck out. I read reviews and I have a blogger friend who does this and they say you’ll here “fizzing” and “popping” which means the solution is working then you flush. I’ll hear WHAT and WHAT? Hell no.

So last night I decided to skip the drops and go straight to the flushing. It wasn’t that bad but it sure didn’t help either. Like, at all. My blogger friend even commented that I was brave for attempting such a thing and assured me (again) the drops were the easy part. So later today, we’ll attempt the drops then the flushing. But let me tell you, I’m not excited.

Read the rest of this entry »

life

No Comments »

The world has suddenly shifted….

by zel

It’s raining today, but it’s not the type of rain I grew use to.

Rain here is cold, ugly and for someone who anemic, pretty frustrating. While I was in Florida, I learned to love the rain. But the rain in Florida was drastically different. It was warm (we’d still keep the A/C running even during a storm warm), it was heavy, it came with amazing lightning and thunder so loud it sounded like the sky was literally cracking open. I loved being outside. I loved standing there, watching the flashes of lightning and counting the seconds between the sky cracking open. And when it was done , it left the air stuffy and so moist that if you rubbed your fingertips together you could feel small drops of water.

To go back to this type of rain; the cold and gloomy kind, is depressing.

Maybe I’m not making it any better by playing my Disney playlist on Spotify. Filled mostly with music that they played over and over at work. But right now, I would love nothing more than for it to be last year and for me to be sorting the charms table, stitching names on the back of hats and planning my getaway plan to get Earl of Sandwich for lunch.

Sometimes life gets in the way, sometimes things come up that cause you to put your dreams on hold. Sometimes you come home for a comfort that your core aches for and you realize that it’s gone, never to come back. And sometimes you just sit on the floor, not really sure what to do because suddenly the world feels so big and you feel so lost.

I can deal with missing Disney from this far away. I can deal with missing my friends. I can deal with missing my job. I can even deal with the fact that I’m so far away from a place that never fails to inspire or lift my spirits no matter what mood I’m in.

But dealing with being in a place where I came home to see a particular pretty face and knowing I never will? Is hard. Touching the spot in my room where she would set her paws, not really sure why she can’t come in, hoping that she left behind some hair… is hard.

Today, is hard.

life

No Comments »

All the right friends & all that right places…

by zel

2012, you’re lonely.

Right now last year, I wanted to scream I love my life loud enough for everyone to hear. Hardly feel that way right now. It’s crazy, isn’t it? How much can change is 365 days. How you can go from the best days of your life and suddenly to the lowest. Things are difficult here, I wish I could say more because I could use encouraging words, but I don’t know. I just don’t feel right talking about it. I guess not right now. But maybe some day, you know, when it doesn’t really matter anymore.

Other than that, I failed my first class in the last year and a half and I’m pretty much kicking myself for it. It wasn’t that I didn’t try, it was that the instructor was horrible. I worked harder in this class than I ever had in the last year and a half only to completely fail. And it’s such a crappy feeling. Knowing you spent SO much time and effort just to make it seem like you didn’t do crap. Kinda makes you wish you didn’t do crap, maybe my feelings wouldn’t be so hurt right now. I want to fight the case. I’m not one to complain much or report anyone, ever. But really, if she doesn’t care enough to teach a class maybe she should leave and give the job to someone who will actually give a fuck. I’m just sayin.

… I need some positive points here.

Five kittens moved in about a month ago, after some unexpected accident happened. Like literally, that day. Just out of nowhere I see five kittens and their mom. And the kittens were jumping around, playing and napping in our grass. Like they live here! Well, a month later and… they’re still doing the same thing. We don’t mind so much, it’s nice having cats around again. People are saying our babygirl who passed sort of recently sent them. But five? What is she trying to say? There’s one that acts just like her. Really. It’s insane.

[ T-B, L-R: BeJeweled, my current obsession, hubs feeding ducks, obsession #2 & kittens ]

Read the rest of this entry »

hello

No Comments »

Goodbye 2011, hello 2012!

by zel

I feel like I should be writing something epic today… but honestly, my mind is so jumbled up I almost didn’t even want to write an entry. But I haven’t missed writing an entry on NYE since, what, 2000?

2011 was one of the BEST years of my life, legit. I got to cross off #1 on my bucket list + live my dream + make amazing friends from all over the world. I was lucky enough to live in a completely different state and on my own. I made Yelp Elite (something I’ve been working towards for years), made Amazon Vine (another working towards for years thing), I took a week long vacay to Vegas and Disneyland, I made YouTube partner… I pretty much accomplished everything I wanted to. So what’s left to accomplish in 2012?! Not much, to be honest.

I would like to make more time to read and review books (since I didn’t get much time to do that this year) and discover new book loves, to make more and better videos, to make more time for creativity. I want to learn how to knit/crochet. I want to come up with my own recipe. I want to go to NY to visit friends and see Wicked on Broadway. I want to improve my GPA. I want to take more pictures. I want to write again. Really write. I want to be the change I want to see in the world.

I’m thinking of making a new LiveJournal and writing every single day about how I feel because it’s been far too long since I’ve done that. I don’t write and think like I use to and I miss that. But being older, there’s so much more to worry about. I’m thinking of launching a new blog that has to do with — food, of course. A friend of mine is starting his own travel business and it sort of inspired me to really look into something I’ve been thinking about doing for awhile… starting my own non profit organization. But it’s going to take a long time to get together, but it’s something that I really really believe in and for people like me, we need somewhere to turn.

So those are my resolutions for 2012, it’s not so much in a form of a solid list this year like it usually is and there isn’t a million things on there, like there usually is. But there are big things that I’m looking forward to.

Oh and the usual things too; eat healthier, drink less soda and do something active once a week.

Hope 2012 is amazing for all of you as well!

hello

2 Comments »

Vanity

by zel

I look at all these pretty chicks on Instagram and Tumblr and I wish I looked like them; with their perfectly lined eyes (I mean am I ever going to get comfortable tight lining my eyes without blinking), their fake flawless skin (I can’t even wear foundation because it irritates my skin) and their perfectly curled hair. I wish I was pretty and confident like they are.

But, I don’t know. I hate touching up my makeup, I hate having to check if my eye shadow or my liner has smudged yet and I hate that I push my husband away when he rubs my face/kisses me because I’m scared he’s messing up my makeup.

He loves me without all that crap on my face. He loves the face that he wakes up and falls asleep to. And isn’t that what everyone is searching for? Someone to love them when they’re the most exposed? So why am I so worried about looking like that when I have someone who loves me the most when I look like this? Someone who loves that I don’t spend hours trying to find the perfect thing to wear, that I’m the most adorable in a hoodie and jeans.

I have never really been happy with the way I look. I thought makeup would fix that, and it didn’t really do for me what I thought it would. I do like wearing makeup because I love colors, but it didn’t hide the things that I wanted hidden. But what is it exactly that I’m trying to hide?

No, it was never my appearance that bothered me. It was me that bothered me. The me that only I know, the me I see when I look in the mirror. The me that I’m going to spend my whole life trying to figure out and fix. The me that only he knows, and the me that still loves despite it’s flaws and damages.

So, in 2012, I’ll try to love and accept myself, just a little bit more. Because I think I need to.

personal

No Comments »