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28 JulDog versus Diamonds.

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We were discussing slogan’s in my new class the other day and the teacher brought up the “diamonds are a girl’s best friend” and one of my classmates blurted out “diamonds are a girl’s best friend and dog’s are a man’s best friend” and busted out laughing to herself.

Which caused me to give her a confused and odd look.

The first thing that popped into my head was I’d choose the dog over the diamonds. I was never a fan of diamonds, they’re too plain, in my opinion. And it actually irritates me that my birthstone is a diamond. Why couldn’t I have something cooler, like opal (I’m a sucker for things that reflect different colors) or emerald? Something with much more colorful? As much as I love my wedding band set, I hate that it’s diamond. Which yes, my husband is well aware of (I do love my engagement ring because he picked it and if I had it my way, my wedding band would had been a simple band but for some odd reason a simple band cost a few hundred more than one lined with diamonds).

I thought about this slogan a little more.

You say that diamonds a woman’s best friend. I get that visual of a lady staring at her hand in excitement in a jewelry store. Then you say a dog is a man’s best friend and I get a visual of a man sitting on the couch watching TV with his dog. Material versus companionship.

A diamond won’t be at home waiting for you after work. You can’t talk to a diamond, well you can, if you’re loony. A diamond can’t sense your feelings on bad days and it can’t protect you. A diamond isn’t loyal and you can’t cuddle with it. It’s just there. To stare at. And show off. A dog is capable of being your best friend. It’s protective of you and will put itself in danger for your safety.

I adore my dog, he means the world to me. He gives me hugs and kisses and when I cry, he sits with me and licks the tears off my face. When my mom is sick, he’ll lay with her in bed and let no one near her. When my cat comes home bloody from another cat fight, he licks her cuts and lets no one near her.

I’d rather have a man’s best friend over a woman’s any day!

Category(s): personal

21 JulWhat is up with all this spam?!

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I go through my comments and I find that I have 151 pending spam comments. What is up with all this spam?! I need to find a spam catcher! Ugh, it’s so frustrating to have to go through and delete all of them.

Anyway, my fourth class at UoP ended last Monday. I’m starting a new class this Monday and I haven’t even met the teacher yet. In fact, our discussion page isn’t even set up yet so she took the time to email everyone the syllabus. Why? Because we have an essay due, the first day of class. About three chapters we’re suppose to read.

Why, nice to meet you too!

Ugh. Sometimes I think college isn’t for me. But I do love this school and I am excited for my career, so I just have to shut up and suck it up.

My Amazon order isn’t coming in this week, which means I get no new books this week. Well that’s not completely true. I got 3 books this week so far for review, one of which I’m really excited to read (Siren by Tricia Rayburn). I also got an email back from Penguin Publishing finally and they approved my request for the two ARC’s I wanted. So I’m excited about that as well! Now if only I could get an email back from HarperTeen…

I’ve realized that I spore up and my brain turns into mush in the summer. It’s just too freakin hot to think or do anything. I can’t wait until Fall, that’s when I wake up and start getting creative. I love cool and cold weather!

I wish I had asked my dad to get me a chocolate parfait… darn.

Category(s): personal
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18 JulHeadaches… oh how I hate headaches.

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I hate that I don’t blog as much as I’d like to. Sometimes I have things to say, but most of the time I don’t. But even on the days when I do have something to say, I still don’t blog. Blah, I don’t know.

I’ve had a headache all weekend, it’s driving me nuts. I took NyQuil last night which eased it until well, now. I absolutely hate headaches, and I get them frequently. They stopped for awhile when I started drinking water, but I’ve been slacking on drinking water… so they’re back. I know I should start again, especially since it’s been really really hot lately, sometimes I doubt I think.

A bit off subject, my brother threw away a bunch of things that reminded me of him, or the him he use to be. His turn tables, his xbox and the Pwawa doll I gave him when we were kids. Shouldn’t hurt my feelings right? Yeah, it shouldn’t.

Another thing off subject… my reading week has been slow. I only finished one book this week and I finished it last night (which was cute cause as soon as I turned the last page, my husband goes “did you like your book?” and I was laying behind him and he was playing a game… how did he know I finished it?!)… I’m still struggling through “Sea Change” and I have to start “Butterfly” soon. I started “Other” last night awhile after I finished “The Swan Kingdom” (which didn’t have anything to do with a “swan kingdom”). It’s funny because I requested a review copy of “Other” and when they took too long to respond (I assumed the publishing company skipped my request), I bought a copy and the next day the publishing company responded. Don’t you hate when things like that happen? I love that I’m getting ARC’s and review copies, it makes reading and blogger so much more fun. I know everyone says you shouldn’t blog for the ARC’s, but it’s a nice feeling knowing that publishing companies think you’re worthy of it. Does that make sense?

I need to get my “to review” book pile out of the way, I’m a bit behind on two books. I have a few more ARC’s coming in this week… and I hate how impossible it is to reach Penguin…. argh. I’ll keep trying until I finally reach them (or until the books I want are relased)!

Category(s): personal
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04 JulHello, and goodbye.

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I figured if any day was a good day to say goodbye to you, it would be today.

Nine years ago today, you saw me at Pier with my boyfriend at the time. But I didn’t see you. And after meeting you, and you telling me that odd fact, we managed to build an amazing friendship. That fell apart six years ago. And to this day, I still wonder why. I still wonder why I can’t call you on the days I just need to hear your advice. And at the same time, I wonder why do I still feel that way? It’s been six years since we’ve had a real conversation. I don’t even remember what our conversations were like, it’s like having a hazy memory where you get the gist of it, but it doesn’t really make much sense.

Remember that night when we were at the ferry building with Sam and Paco? And remember how you told me you always wanted me in your life and you said if I ever wasn’t in your life you’d think to yourself “I’m glad that bitch is out of life, MAN! I’m an idiot…” do you still feel that way today? I highly doubt it, but it’s fine. We were kids, seriously what did we know?

Like a friend of mine had said recently, thank you for being my friend THEN. But this is now, not then. I’m not zel anymore. I’m nothing like her, actually. And I’ve never been so much happier since I dropped her. Zel is dead and gone, and so are you.

So goodbye, to the best friend I never wanted to let go. But today, I realize, I need to. Because too many years have passed and even if I had seen you today, what would I say? The truth is, I don’t know you anymore. And the truth is, you don’t know me at all.

And to be completely honest, as much as I hate to say it… I’d rather we keep it this way.

Oh Fourth of July, you’re always full of surprises, aren’t you?

Category(s): life
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23 JunThe way I see it…

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Late last year, a friend of mine — a best friend of mine, assumed that something that was posted on my Facebook status was about them when it turns out, it wasn’t. And since this best friend of mine thought I was aiming this on them, they responded with something extremely hurtful on their own Facebook status. I was shocked and really really hurt when I saw it and I texted them saying that my status wasn’t about them, if they had assumed it was. I got no response.

Since then I’ve been keeping my distance from this friend. The way that things work with me, and I know it probably isn’t right… is that depending on what you do, I’m not very forgiving. Depending on how bad you hurt my feelings and didn’t bother to hear me out for who knows how many months, I probably won’t give a fuck about what you have to say.

And maybe that makes me a bad person. Maybe that makes me unfair. But the way I see it? I guard my feelings the way I see fit.

Read the rest of this entry »

Category(s): life
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09 JunIt’s finally summer!

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I’ve been so horrible with updating this, I know I say that almost every single time I come back… but I have! And I feel really bad about it (not that anyone really reads this… lol)! But school at the Community College is finally over! And now I’m just stuck with my one-day-a-week classes at University. I’m trying to find a government job, but it’s hard when you don’t really know where to look. I’m hoping for a job at the AFB.

I hate summer. I really really hate summer. I don’t do well in heat, as good as it feels sometimes, I can’t stand it for the most part. I hate sweating! Also summer brings bugs and I hate bugs! Oh winter, please come back soon!

Speaking of bugs, I spotted a huge freakin tick on my dogs ear the other day! I thought it was a tumor and I was freaking out so I showed my mom and she was like “oh! it’s just a really big flea” and like, plucked it off like it was nothing. Filipino parents man, nothing scares them! My dad squished a wolf spider last year like it was an ant. Weird. I wish I was that brave!

I have a lot of picture filled posts to fill. Went on a random getaway with a good friend the other weekend to Disneyland and Las Vegas! My first road trip! It was… interesting. Not as horrible as I thought it would be, but I don’t know if I’d drive that far again lol. I’m a flyer. Even though I hate flying, sometimes. It’s just painful. If it wasn’t painful, I’d love it. I got a few new goodies this week thanks to UoP! Haha. I finally got my hands on a sexy Mac Book Pro and an Amazon Kindle (which is a bit hard to figure out)!

I’ve been stuck in a book reviewing rut lately. I’m fine with reading but I haven’t been in the mood to review the books I’ve been reading and now it’s starting to pile up. I know I should probably review them soon before the stories fade or jumble up and I’m screwed lol. I’ve got a bunch of new release books I’m excited to read as well! Like the Bree Tanner book, My Name is Memory, Everlasting (which I’m reading now), Rules of Attraction… which I’m super excited about. I finished the Wings series as far as it goes for right now, so I’m super happy about that (I always feel obligated to finish a series if I start it). I’m slowly working through Wicked Lovely. Still searching for awesome amazing Erotica’s.

What else? I’m slowing working my way through cleaning my entire room. I’ve got the closet as good as I can get it, for now. Which is fine, I can see the floor! And I cleaned up under my desk and chair, which I’m really happy about because there was so much clutter down there for the longest time! It’s nice to see it so nice and organized now! I’ve been on a nail polish and pretty perfume bottle kick lately. Husband isn’t going to be happy lol. Hung out with an old friend who opened my eyes this passed weekend. I’m a little hurt over some of the things I found out, but I wonder why when I think, all along, I was expecting it. It was obvious, so why should my feelings be hurt? It’s just weird, I think. To feel that way, not the situation itself. It’s just life, as well *shrug.

If you’re curious… I update here for my little one paragraph blog entries when I don’t have much to say :) .

Category(s): life
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05 JunMarriage… and selfishness.

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I’ll be the first to admit, I’m selfish. I’m so selfish its ridiculous. I’m so use to it just being me. On my own. Working for my own. Spoiling myself. Spending days on end by myself. As soon as I got use to it, accepted it, Martin comes along and fucks it all up!

You’d think, after 6 years together, it would change right? That’s not really true. I’m still selfish. I still put myself before anyone else (most of the time). I still prefer days alone over days with my husband (thank God he understands this). I would think by now, after being with someone for 6 years and at 25 years old, I woulda matured a little. And I have, but not in the area’s where it would oh I don’t know… help my marriage?

Maybe it was the idea that I never intended to get married. But life never works out the way you want to and the military can cause a great deal of pressure. So of course, being married when I never planned on ever being married… is a struggle for me most days. I don’t get this marriage thing! I don’t get this “we” shit. I don’t understand why “we” have to make decisions “together”. I mean shit, can’t we just pull the solution out of a hat or something? I don’t get what “we’re a family” means. It just doesn’t click in my head.

We had our first misunderstanding as a married couple the other day and I think this is worth documenting. It didn’t involve screaming, tears or me breaking glass (or windshields). He sat me down, forced me to look at him while he explained his side followed by “do you understand?” except it was much more of a statement than a question. I tried to argue my point but it always went back to “do you understand?” yes I understand but me, being selfish and stubborn, I’m going to say no!

At the end of it all, I got a big hug a kiss and an “I love you”.

Maybe I should not understand more often :) kidding.

I’m working on this being married thing. Just don’t hold your breath love, this may take a few… decades. Just sayin’.

Category(s): personal
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25 MayA few weeks late…

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I’m SO excited! No school on Monday, yay! I have two weeks to do my final, thank goodness. And the community college will be over on Thursday. YES. FINALLY. Now if only I were going to Disneyland like I planned…. boo! I’m hoping to escape to So Cal and Vegas with my best and my husband this weekend, I need a vacation!

This post is a little late… not that anyone would had even noticed :) .

This is what I got my mom for Mother’s Day this year; Orchid scented stuff from Bath & Body Works (since she loves Orchid’s), a Nora Roberts book set and I also included a copy of The Clearing since it’s my favorite book of the year (so far).

All wrapped up and ready for her to find!

I got a new webcam (thanks to my buddy JD who gave me a $100 Visa gift card and told me to splurge it… so splurge it, I did!) and it’s amaaaazing. I love it! And it was cool cause it was $80 at Fry’s Electronics but $50 on Amazon. Oh the reasons why I love Amazon are endless!

As you can see, the focus on this is amazing! It’s like having macro on your webcam!

I’m obsessed with eating Panera Bread (BBQ Chicken Salad with diced egg and Wild Rice soup) and Chipotle. I blame my husband for the Chipotle obsession. But I can’t eat it unless he soaks my rice with lemon juice, which he usually gladly does :) .

Another obsession? Bokchoy Boys! They’re $.50 vending machine Ninja toys. Every time I eat at Fry’s Electronics (their Cafe has the BEST Club sandwich I’ve ever had) I have to get one… or three of these! Drives my husband crazy haha! But look at him, isn’t he cute? I’m missing 4 out of the 12 right now! Oh and this picture was taken on my new webcam :) .

Finally got to dine at Olive Garden after a very very long break. I’m not much of a drinker (anymore) and I definitely don’t like wine or beer. But I love Moscato! Maybe because it doesn’t really taste like wine…

I’ve stopped buying makeup and started buying books. Goin back to my roots! But seriously, this is getting dangerous lol. I’ve been going on crazy book buying spree’s.

This isn’t even half of the books I’ve bought in the last two months! I have books everywhere! I just finished Perfect Chemistry this morning and I have to say, it’s right up there with The Clearing. Amazing story, suspenseful, real, raw and intoxicating! I’m excited to read The Faerie Path but I can’t start any more series! I didn’t know Perfect Chemistry was a series, grrr. I have this thing where if I’m reading a series, it takes priority. So I’m hoping to finish the Wings series (or what’s out of it so far) so I don’t feel this lingering obligation lol. Also excited to read Merlin’s Harp because it has a super pretty cover and Graceling because I hear so many good things about it… but again, it’s part of a series!

Oh, more books! I know what I said about series earlier but I’m kinda holding off on reading Fragile Eternity because I have a soft spot for Seth and Ash and I’m not really ready for their story to be over just yet… but I am curious to know about what happens in Radiant  Shadows because it’s been talked about lately. The thing about the Wicked Lovely series is you get those first 80-100 pages where you’re kinda confused because of all the back story and details (not that its a bad thing, it actually helps you understand the rest of the book so much more easier) and I always feel so hazy in that area lol. My good friend suggested Lock & Key to me and I gave in and got it, its over 400 pages. Goodness lol! I’m kinda reading The Iron King, it’s kinda creeping me out a bit, just because someones stalking her and I mean its a bit obvious who and why but it’s just… kinda creepy you know?!

I decided… I’m going to give up on Eyes Like Stars. At least for right now. I don’t know, it’s just really confusing to me and I find myself saying “uhhh what?” every other page. It has fantastic reviews everywhere and I feel like there’s something wrong with me because I’m just not getting it lol. Ugh, I don’t know!

My typical school lunch :D except I’m missing my Turkey Melt lol. I’m so glad this class is almost over, the teacher irritates me. He talks to me like I’m stupid and every time he’s saying something about what you’re not suppose to be doing, he stares at me. Not only that, but every freakin comment he gives me back on my homework makes me sound like I lack the ability to write a complete sentence. I don’t know what the hell his problem is but even my husband notices that he pays more attention to me than anyone else, and not in a nice way either. Like yesterday, in class. He was going through a power point and I was commenting to Martin on the things on the slide and he was talking to another one of my classmates about a personal matter so I quietly commented to Martin about the slide and he turns to us and goes “can you guys stop talking to each other over there? You’re making it very hard for me to not separate you two” and it was just irritating. Everyone else whispers to each other and we get in trouble?! And separate us?! What are we, in high school? I’m paying for this class, don’t talk to me like I’m a fuckin child. UGH. Can’t WAIT for this stupid class to be OVER!

I thought this was kinda cool, they had Mario on all the monitors on the back wall in Fry’s. The little girl kept looking back at me cause I was wearing my raccoon Mario hoodie that day lol! As soon as they left, I jumped on the controllers! I  <3 that game :) !

Category(s): week review
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22 MayNew favorite spot!

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Christine over at undefinable.us mentioned a book store called Half Priced Books on one of my book reviews awhile back, so I searched for one in my area and it just so happens that there was one in the city my college is located at. So, after class one day, I dragged my husband there. The place is huge. They sell CD’s, books and DVD’s! And books are literally half priced. I managed to only pick up two (which were in brand new condition) even though I wanted more.

The next day (yes, I couldn’t wait!) I went back and picked out some books but my husband reminded me that I had already gotten too many books that week (and he was right, I did — I got my order from mkzbooks.com and one from Amazon), so I didn’t walk out with anything. But we walked around the cute little plaza that it was in. It had a bunch of sushi places so we went out to go look for one to have dinner at. We also bumped into a cute cupcake/gelato/fro-yo place. I should had taken a picture! Maybe next time :) .

We settled for a place called Happy Roll. The atmosphere was relaxing. I had the Seafood Udon and my husband had his usual… California Rolls.

My adorable sushi partner!

The Udon was delicious! It was a little spicy, but in my opinion… it gave the Udon a nice little kick. It also had Shrimp, baby Octopus, Muscles, Salmon and Scallops in it! For a nice price too. I would definitely come back here, especially during lunch when everything is cheaper… we were there for dinner and dinner for both of us was already under $19! And the California Rolls? Best I’ve ever had! The crab tasted fresh and sweet!

As much as I wanted Gelato after, we didn’t really have the money so we went to Baskin Robbins in hopes that they had the $1 scoop Tuesdays… but I guess they didn’t… the girl told us it was $1.50 scoop every day! She sounded excited when she said it lol. I had hubby pick out a flavor for me since my new found favorite (Icing on the Cake) was out of season :( . He picked Strawberry, since I he noticed I haven’t had it in awhile. And he made her put it on a cone too lol. It’s been years since I had an ice cream cone. He got his soft serve with the color changing powder that he likes so much.

He’s such a kid when it comes to ice cream!

The side of the street that Half Priced Books is on. Next to it is a spaghetti restaurant (never been there but sounds interesting), a Thai restaurant and a Peets Coffee.

The park across the street from Half Priced Books and my ice cream! This looked so much more clear on my camera lol.

Now I want another ice cream cone!

Category(s): personal
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19 MayWho I was… and who I am.

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I miss the days when being reckless was acceptable. When being careless, free to do what you want, be where you want to be, go where you want to go… were at my fingertips. I miss when I had various circles of friends, when going to the city always meant good times. And… wanna know a secret? I kind of miss the days when you weren’t completely over someone and you had this strong gut sickening pull to do anything in your power to get their attention every chance you got. That intense wave of pain because you found out they were with someone else now and happy. I miss the feeling of the unknown, of forcing a smile on your face and convincing yourself that someone amazing is out there for you. You just gotta wait for him. I miss that because… well, I wrote my best when I was down and heartbroken.

Of course, if you know me, you’ll know I keep blogs and journals as if it were oxygen. And writing a novel that closely resembles my past… of course I turn to my blogs when I’m stuck. But reading over those days, trying to re-live them in my head… I can see them, I can hear the conversations but I don’t feel anything anymore. I can’t grab the emotion I need to finish this chapter. No matter how hard I try. Ask me 8 years ago to tell you what heartbreak feels like, I wouldn’t shut up. Ask me today, I couldn’t answer you. Because I don’t know anymore.

And I thought, I’d be happy. The day that I’d wake up and realize that feeling was FINALLY gone. I’d wake up and not wondering where you are or who you’re with or what you’re doing and I’d be happy. I’d be free of you. I wake up today, and every other other day for the 6 years and I am finally free of you. And I’m happy that I am, but I lost that emotion. The one that drove all of my best writing and creativity. Who woulda fuckin thought.

I still feel heartbreak, but it’s not exactly the same as before and it doesn’t last nearly as long. There’s nothing unknown as far as my love life goes. I literally crashed right into my “amazing person” earlier than I expected in my life and he’s not perfect but he keeps me dizzy with his touch, his kisses make everything go away and his hugs make me feel, for the first time in a long time, safe.

I’m no longer reckless (unless you hand me a credit card with no limit and tell me to shop til my heart’s content, then we’ll have a problem). I’m the responsible wife. I rely on my Wicked year planner and my Palm Pixi calender to keep me on track. I’m no longer careless or free, at least… free in the sense that I want to be.

So why did this person who never takes no for answer, who was her own independent person her whole life, who has some weird strange addiction to men… get married?

To be completely honest, sometimes… I wonder the same thing. Why did I give up the things that satisfy me… up? Because when I look at him, I couldn’t imagine myself being happier with anyone else. When I look at him, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I had ever hurt him.

And even now, 6 years later and married… that thought still scares me. I don’t give a shit about any boy’s feelings. I don’t care enough to stay faithful! But I have been, for 6 solid years and sometimes I amaze myself because I’m not this sweet, caring, organized person who is willing to care for someone else and sacrifice the things she wants to make him happy. But I am, I am for him.

And his smiles, they make the fact that I’m not who I use to be… the fact I can’t go back to who I use to be… worth it.

And what’s even better? The days I struggle with craving that freedom, that recklessness… I’m free to tell him and he won’t look at me any different. Instead he’ll give me a hug, a kiss on the forehead and say “you’re fine, silly face”.

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