So I tried to do a book haul video, and since I was touching my books (which were packaged from Amazon.com and are fairly clean, dont you think?) I feel like my hands are contaminated and I feel like disinfecting them. My hands, not the books.
What bother’s me is that lately, my OCD has been acting up and getting weirder. This time last year, I wasnt this freaked out about it. I thought I was getting somewhere! Then it came back, twice as hard. It’s softened up a bit, but I guess the stress from the wedding and Martin’s situation is causing it to act up.
I’ve been sitting here for about five minutes trying to convince myself that my hands are not contaminated and they’re fine. And there’s no reason to go wash/disinfect them. Seriously, its not that serious. And its just ridiculous having to do this and having to go through this. It makes no sense and though I’m over being mad at the fact I have OCD, its just man… tiring.
Its tiring being worried about the craziest things that make no sense. Its tiring fighting the urge to wash my hands. It’s tiring trying to convince myself that its not dirty when clearly its not.
I use to be the chick who sat on the floor and on the sidewalk cause I hated sitting on chairs. I use to freely walk in my room with my socks and jeans on and not even care. I use to go straight to sleep after coming home from SF and being on BART that day. I use to be able to come home and go straight to sleep, period. Now I cant do any of those things. Ever. And after dealing with this for four years, its just. Tiring.
And yet, I’m still determined to fight this without medication. If my mind has the ability to be this strong to make me think these crazy thoughts then its just as strong to fight it off. And it will. Someday.
You must be a very strong person to fight something like ocd on your own. It sounds like a bad battle, but you seem determined so i wish you the best of luck *hugs*
I have a bit of ocd with other things. I become obsessed with things very easily. Like when i wanted to start sewing again i bought material like it was never going to be around again, books i bought hundreds, hand made soaps i bought at least 40 bars, vintage linens, again i bought way more then i need. I always seem to over buy things and then i finally realize i am doing it and i stop. I just can’t help myself when i am like that. Luckily i come out of it, i use what i bought but then i find something new that’s interesting and it’s the same thing again.
@Christine – It is a bad battle, especially when its a battle you have to fight everyday. Some days however, are easier than others. I’m convinced that if I ever make it out of this alive, it’ll prove to me that I can overcome anything.
I get like that too, I dont just have contamination. I also hoard like no other. I’ve been doing that since I was a kid. And at first it was things like past test papers, notes, pretty pencils, etc. But now that I’m older its gone to other things like towels, soaps, candles (which actually turned out to be a good thing cause my favorite store closed down. Okay not a GOOD thing, but you know what I mean!), I discovered ELF makeup and I just HAD to buy literally 60 eye shadow brushes (at $3 why not! Okay 60 is a bit much…). Or if I find a favorite anything I always have to have two. Oh man dont get me started on books!
I should take a picture of my room and show it in my next OCD related blog lol.
That is a bit more easier to control since you’re physically seeing and doing (and swiping the card) where as contamination is a lot harder since you cant see it or feel it. Though I wouldnt mind getting rid of both of them!