thisGiRLisPOiSON.net

I’m trying to figure it all out.

Where I’m suppose to be, where I want to be, who I want to be, who I’m suppose to be…. I look back on everything and everything behind me is either blank or a mess. I never pictured my life to turn out this way. I never pictured to be 24, still living at home with no job, no career, no degree and a crazy amount of debt. Oh and married. Never pictured I’d be married.

Then again, at 16 all I could imagine was how wonderful it would be to just end it all. How free I’d feel to finally leave this toxic world behind.

So I guess, I really had no plan. Unless to not live anymore is considered a plan.

When I was graduating high school, I knew what I wanted to be. Plain and simple. A pastry chef. My whole life I was always amazed by food, by cute pastries and pretty designs on cakes. I’ve been collecting cook books since I was a child and I’d flip through the pages and pretend I made what was on those pages. And when I graduated high school and enrolled myself into culinary school with no second thought about it… I thought my dreams were finally going to come true.

But they didn’t. And this, my friends, is life.

I did well while in culinary school. I had never baked anything that wasn’t instant in my life prior. I would actually wake up at 4AM, grab a Cafe Mocha with 3 shots of caramel and a doughnut ball pyramid drizzled in chocolate sauce from Starbucks every morning (thank the God’s there was a Starbucks downstairs), get to class chanting what the fuck am I doing here, I can’t do this, I can’t do this the rest of the day. And at the end of the day, I would get an A on every single cake I made. And there was my loving boyfriend, who didn’t really get why I was there but he would wake up some days at 4AM with me, fall asleep at Starbucks and make sure to wake up during my lunch then back to Starbucks when I was back in class. And though he didn’t get it, he supported me through it. He tried all of my cakes and he encouraged me to keep going. And without that, I don’t think I would had made it as far as I did.

But that was five years ago. And I still can’t believe it’s been that long. And he still doesn’t think I was meant to be a chef in this life (in the nicest way possible of course) but he strongly believes I was meant to be a journalist. Every time I tell him I’m going to change my major (from Accounting, to Psychology, to Business, to Oceanology, to History to Web Design… I’ve changed my majors a lot) he gives me this look and he goes off talking about how wonderful my writing is and how I should write. I should quit wasting time with things that I know I won’t be good at (in the nicest way possible) and just go with what I obviously have talent in – writing.

And yes, I could do that and yes I do want to do that… but I feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions. There’s so much I want to learn, to do. And I feel like I don’t have much time to do any of it. I want to own a cupcakery one day. I want to work with live theater (I want to be in live theater but let’s face it, there’s no way I can convince you that I’m made for it in this lifetime, sadly lol), I want to be a journalist. I want to be in business. I want to own my own business, wait I guess that goes under cupcakery doesn’t it… I want to be a photographer. I want to live in Nevada and Washington and Alaska and Italy and New York…! I want to write for a food magazine. I want to excel in something, anything and be known for it. I want to be a psychologist. I want to change peoples lives who suffer from OCD. I want to make a difference.

And I don’t know where I should go. Or what I should do. I’m hoping that the next two years I’m going to spend (finally) getting my GE done will give me time to think things through, to come up with a destination.

The only disappointment about this is that, I’m turning 25 this year and I told myself I’d get my degree by 25 and I did try, and it just didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. I shouldn’t be too upset right? Life doesn’t really start until you’re 30 anyway, I don’t see why I’m so hell bent on making a life for myself before 30.

But this is life. It’s not perfect. It’s not what you’ve always dreamed of. And it certainly does not go the way you’ve planned, most of the time. The most you can do, is make what you can with what you’re getting. Because everything that does happen in your life. Happens for a reason. You may not get what the reason is right now, but some day, it’ll all make sense.