I won’t be doing much of an update for this week because it wasn’t really a happy one. It was full of stress and surprise payments and money-related issues. Just when I thought it was going to get better, it got just a little worse.
I ended up breaking down at the mall yesterday, and I hate crying in public. I hate when people even just glance in my direction. It makes me want to punch faces. Everything is just so… hard and frustrating right now and it’s one of those times when I wish life would just come with answers. But it’s me we’re talking about, when am I not struggling with something. I should be use to this by now, and maybe sometimes I am, maybe it’s why I’m sitting here today with a smile on my face even though just yesterday I felt like exploding.
My husband. My dear darling husband.
He wasn’t as understanding as he usually is yesterday, he was stressed out himself and he doesn’t talk much of his feelings so I had no idea why he felt the way he felt until we talked about it last night. In fact, we spent 3 hours talking about it. Which really isn’t that new, for some reason we talk best after 10PM. He was telling me what he’s been stressing about lately and what he’s been struggling with lately as well. Something I don’t really like talking about because it scares me. It’s nothing bad, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway if I told you.
We talked a bit about my OCD. I was saying how I’m not strong enough right now to fight it. Stress makes it worse and right now with all I’m stressing about, there’s no way I’d be able to control my OCD when my mind is in a million other directions. He says that maybe I just don’t want to get rid of it. I can’t deny, maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just so use to it by now that I don’t mind it. When I should. Obviously in the last 6 years I wasn’t “ready” to fight it either, so what about 6 years from now? Will I still not be “ready”? What about 10 years from now? Will my husband and children have to tip toe around mommy’s OCD? I want a normal life, or at least, what normal life I had before OCD (reminds of this Wicked line: “She’s stripped the munchkins of our rights! And we didn’t have that many to begin with!”).
I hate that he has to suffer with me, in his own way. I hate that he can’t come in my room because of my OCD, I hate that I can’t be the person he fell in love with because my OCD took over. I hate that when we’re on vacation I give him restrictions. Or I get grumpy when he does something slightly “wrong”. He knew the problem with my hands was eczema. I didn’t know it. I had hopes that it wasn’t and it was just something that would go away eventually. But it’s not, its eczema. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hopeless before. The dry itches on my hands won’t ever go away. I’m going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Right now, I have scabs all over my fingers from scratching them in my sleep. And it’s because of my OCD. I wish I could had controlled it more before damaging my hands…
I love him for being so understanding and patient. I love him for finding out that long tight hugs make anxiety go away faster on the days when I feel like my heart is going to explode from anxiety. I love that even though he hates my OCD, it doesn’t stop him from trying to help me get better. I love that he supports me, through anything and everything. I lovelovelove that he encourages and pushes me to write and read everyday. That when I get too lazy to do my blogging assignments, he’ll turn off the tv and make me write my assignments because he knows this is what I want to do. I love that he tries to make me smile and laugh when I’m crying my eyes out. Even if it means that when I laugh I spit snot at him. I love that he listens to me when I tell him my wishlist when it comes to books or makeup. I love that on the days when I’m reading a book he always wants me to read to him, even if he has no idea what the book is about or anything. Just so he could be doing something with me.
In a week or a month or a year or even in a few years of nothing but struggles and stress, he makes everything better. It doesn’t matter what life throws at us anymore, as long as I have him I know I’ll be okay. I couldn’t ask for a more amazing, loving and selfless person to spend my life with. I just wish I could be as selfless as he is and support him the way he supports me. But I’m thankful that he loves me for what I can give him even if it’s not as much as he gives me.
I love you dope friend, we’ll be okay. Cause you know… life can’t suck forever right? :)
I found you via FF. Just wanted to let you know, I ready your post. Your husband does sound amazing! What a blessing he is in your life.
I have eczema too, but not on my hands and I’m pretty sure its stress related. I used to scratch in my sleep too. I know everyone is different. But, for me, the most effective thing was to cut my nails really short. REALLY short. Also, I tried wearing soccer socks on my hands (that helped, but sometimes I would take them off). Cetaphil and the cortizone helps too. Good luck, girl. There are worst things.
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Thank you, he is amazing. And extremely patient! I’m such a handful I don’t know he does it with a smile on his face. I get annoyed at myself most of the time!
I usually do cut my nails really short, but they grow so fast! My husband tells me he’s caught me scratching (I have some dry areas on my face too, but I don’t know if its eczema there since its not like my hands but it’s bad enough to the point where I can’t wear foundation) in my sleep. He suggested mitts but I get hot when I sleep and I’ll most likely take them off without knowing and again, scratch without knowing. It’s so hard to stop yourself when you’re unaware :(. I’ve heard good things about Cetaphil, my mom bought me the non soapy soap once but I haven’t tried the lotion yet!
coming from Friday Follow bloghoppin’ and so glad to stumble on this great blog!
now a follower!
happy weekends
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fickle
Hello!
Thank you for the follow! I will definitely check out your site :).