I miss the days when being reckless was acceptable. When being careless, free to do what you want, be where you want to be, go where you want to go… were at my fingertips. I miss when I had various circles of friends, when going to the city always meant good times. And… wanna know a secret? I kind of miss the days when you weren’t completely over someone and you had this strong gut sickening pull to do anything in your power to get their attention every chance you got. That intense wave of pain because you found out they were with someone else now and happy. I miss the feeling of the unknown, of forcing a smile on your face and convincing yourself that someone amazing is out there for you. You just gotta wait for him. I miss that because… well, I wrote my best when I was down and heartbroken.
Of course, if you know me, you’ll know I keep blogs and journals as if it were oxygen. And writing a novel that closely resembles my past… of course I turn to my blogs when I’m stuck. But reading over those days, trying to re-live them in my head… I can see them, I can hear the conversations but I don’t feel anything anymore. I can’t grab the emotion I need to finish this chapter. No matter how hard I try. Ask me 8 years ago to tell you what heartbreak feels like, I wouldn’t shut up. Ask me today, I couldn’t answer you. Because I don’t know anymore.
And I thought, I’d be happy. The day that I’d wake up and realize that feeling was FINALLY gone. I’d wake up and not wondering where you are or who you’re with or what you’re doing and I’d be happy. I’d be free of you. I wake up today, and every other other day for the 6 years and I am finally free of you. And I’m happy that I am, but I lost that emotion. The one that drove all of my best writing and creativity. Who woulda fuckin thought.
I still feel heartbreak, but it’s not exactly the same as before and it doesn’t last nearly as long. There’s nothing unknown as far as my love life goes. I literally crashed right into my “amazing person” earlier than I expected in my life and he’s not perfect but he keeps me dizzy with his touch, his kisses make everything go away and his hugs make me feel, for the first time in a long time, safe.
I’m no longer reckless (unless you hand me a credit card with no limit and tell me to shop til my heart’s content, then we’ll have a problem). I’m the responsible wife. I rely on my Wicked year planner and my Palm Pixi calender to keep me on track. I’m no longer careless or free, at least… free in the sense that I want to be.
So why did this person who never takes no for answer, who was her own independent person her whole life, who has some weird strange addiction to men… get married?
To be completely honest, sometimes… I wonder the same thing. Why did I give up the things that satisfy me… up? Because when I look at him, I couldn’t imagine myself being happier with anyone else. When I look at him, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I had ever hurt him.
And even now, 6 years later and married… that thought still scares me. I don’t give a shit about any boy’s feelings. I don’t care enough to stay faithful! But I have been, for 6 solid years and sometimes I amaze myself because I’m not this sweet, caring, organized person who is willing to care for someone else and sacrifice the things she wants to make him happy. But I am, I am for him.
And his smiles, they make the fact that I’m not who I use to be… the fact I can’t go back to who I use to be… worth it.
And what’s even better? The days I struggle with craving that freedom, that recklessness… I’m free to tell him and he won’t look at me any different. Instead he’ll give me a hug, a kiss on the forehead and say “you’re fine, silly face”.
You know, sometimes i feel the same way. I used date and dump boys like it was just another day in the week. Once i got tired of them i moved on and found a new one. I was always in search of the newness kind of relationship where things are so intense, but now, i wouldn’t trade my husband for any of that old behavior. It’s like you said, i know i couldn’t find another him. It’s been 10 years and i still love him so much it hurts, but i do miss the fun in finding new guys and getting to know them and so on. I miss the newness sometimes, but i would never leave or cheat on my husband for something so silly, when i have a man who will stand by me through thick and thin and give his own life to save mine. That’s worth much more than me having fun for awhile. I think all married women feel the same at some point even married men, some feel it more than others though and end up being unfaithful. I would consider the both of us not those types, it’s basically all about missing the freedom to do what you want and have a good time. I think it’s natural to feel that way sometimes.
It’s nice to know I’m not alone on this!
I could see the temptation other people have to be unfaithful to their husbands and wives, and you’re right, as much as I miss that intense newness and getting to know someone new… giving up someone who’s willing to stand by you through everything and never ask for anything back in return… just seems silly.
I definitely feel this way more than he does. He’s literally happy at all times where he’s at. He never liked the “newness” or “impressing” someone. Sometimes I envy that about him, but other times… I think he’s missing out lol!