Nine years ago today, you saw me at Pier with my boyfriend at the time. But I didn’t see you. And after meeting you, and you telling me that odd fact, we managed to build an amazing friendship. That fell apart six years ago. And to this day, I still wonder why. I still wonder why I can’t call you on the days I just need to hear your advice. And at the same time, I wonder why do I still feel that way? It’s been six years since we’ve had a real conversation. I don’t even remember what our conversations were like, it’s like having a hazy memory where you get the gist of it, but it doesn’t really make much sense.

Remember that night when we were at the ferry building with Sam and Paco? And remember how you told me you always wanted me in your life and you said if I ever wasn’t in your life you’d think to yourself “I’m glad that bitch is out of life, MAN! I’m an idiot…” do you still feel that way today? I highly doubt it, but it’s fine. We were kids, seriously what did we know?

Like a friend of mine had said recently, thank you for being my friend THEN. But this is now, not then. I’m not zel anymore. I’m nothing like her, actually. And I’ve never been so much happier since I dropped her. Zel is dead and gone, and so are you.

So goodbye, to the best friend I never wanted to let go. But today, I realize, I need to. Because too many years have passed and even if I had seen you today, what would I say? The truth is, I don’t know you anymore. And the truth is, you don’t know me at all.

And to be completely honest, as much as I hate to say it… I’d rather we keep it this way.

Oh Fourth of July, you’re always full of surprises, aren’t you?

Since then I’ve been keeping my distance from this friend. The way that things work with me, and I know it probably isn’t right… is that depending on what you do, I’m not very forgiving. Depending on how bad you hurt my feelings and didn’t bother to hear me out for who knows how many months, I probably won’t give a fuck about what you have to say.

And maybe that makes me a bad person. Maybe that makes me unfair. But the way I see it? I guard my feelings the way I see fit.

So after all these months, this friend finally sends me a text message saying sorry. Saying they should had said something earlier and they’re sorry. And yes, at first I wanted to forgive them. But the truth is, so much time has passed and I heard word that you probably didn’t even care in the first place. True or not, it’s not like this friend bothered to communicate with me, and that’s fine.

I’m tired of not having a real response every time someone asks me why I consider them my best friend. I’m tired of not having a reason. I’m tired of years long fall outs. I’m tired of having to get to know each other all over again when the fall outs end. I’m tired of hanging on to the word “best friend” when it comes to someone because it’s what I know knew. And not because they really are.

The truth is, you don’t know much about me. When we had that conversation at Pasta Pomodoro? And I mentioned something about me that was a huge part of who I was in high school and you didn’t know, that set something off. How did you not know? It made me wonder… what did you know about me? And today, you don’t know much about me at all.

Oh, and also, I’m sorry if the fact that I don’t drink makes me so damn boring.

Thank you for your apology, but to be completely utterly Hazel honest? It doesn’t make a difference anymore.

I hate summer. I really really hate summer. I don’t do well in heat, as good as it feels sometimes, I can’t stand it for the most part. I hate sweating! Also summer brings bugs and I hate bugs! Oh winter, please come back soon!

Speaking of bugs, I spotted a huge freakin tick on my dogs ear the other day! I thought it was a tumor and I was freaking out so I showed my mom and she was like “oh! it’s just a really big flea” and like, plucked it off like it was nothing. Filipino parents man, nothing scares them! My dad squished a wolf spider last year like it was an ant. Weird. I wish I was that brave!

I have a lot of picture filled posts to fill. Went on a random getaway with a good friend the other weekend to Disneyland and Las Vegas! My first road trip! It was… interesting. Not as horrible as I thought it would be, but I don’t know if I’d drive that far again lol. I’m a flyer. Even though I hate flying, sometimes. It’s just painful. If it wasn’t painful, I’d love it. I got a few new goodies this week thanks to UoP! Haha. I finally got my hands on a sexy Mac Book Pro and an Amazon Kindle (which is a bit hard to figure out)!

I’ve been stuck in a book reviewing rut lately. I’m fine with reading but I haven’t been in the mood to review the books I’ve been reading and now it’s starting to pile up. I know I should probably review them soon before the stories fade or jumble up and I’m screwed lol. I’ve got a bunch of new release books I’m excited to read as well! Like the Bree Tanner book, My Name is Memory, Everlasting (which I’m reading now), Rules of Attraction… which I’m super excited about. I finished the Wings series as far as it goes for right now, so I’m super happy about that (I always feel obligated to finish a series if I start it). I’m slowly working through Wicked Lovely. Still searching for awesome amazing Erotica’s.

What else? I’m slowing working my way through cleaning my entire room. I’ve got the closet as good as I can get it, for now. Which is fine, I can see the floor! And I cleaned up under my desk and chair, which I’m really happy about because there was so much clutter down there for the longest time! It’s nice to see it so nice and organized now! I’ve been on a nail polish and pretty perfume bottle kick lately. Husband isn’t going to be happy lol. Hung out with an old friend who opened my eyes this passed weekend. I’m a little hurt over some of the things I found out, but I wonder why when I think, all along, I was expecting it. It was obvious, so why should my feelings be hurt? It’s just weird, I think. To feel that way, not the situation itself. It’s just life, as well *shrug.

If you’re curious… I update here for my little one paragraph blog entries when I don’t have much to say .

Of course, if you know me, you’ll know I keep blogs and journals as if it were oxygen. And writing a novel that closely resembles my past… of course I turn to my blogs when I’m stuck. But reading over those days, trying to re-live them in my head… I can see them, I can hear the conversations but I don’t feel anything anymore. I can’t grab the emotion I need to finish this chapter. No matter how hard I try. Ask me 8 years ago to tell you what heartbreak feels like, I wouldn’t shut up. Ask me today, I couldn’t answer you. Because I don’t know anymore.

And I thought, I’d be happy. The day that I’d wake up and realize that feeling was FINALLY gone. I’d wake up and not wondering where you are or who you’re with or what you’re doing and I’d be happy. I’d be free of you. I wake up today, and every other other day for the 6 years and I am finally free of you. And I’m happy that I am, but I lost that emotion. The one that drove all of my best writing and creativity. Who woulda fuckin thought.

I still feel heartbreak, but it’s not exactly the same as before and it doesn’t last nearly as long. There’s nothing unknown as far as my love life goes. I literally crashed right into my “amazing person” earlier than I expected in my life and he’s not perfect but he keeps me dizzy with his touch, his kisses make everything go away and his hugs make me feel, for the first time in a long time, safe.

I’m no longer reckless (unless you hand me a credit card with no limit and tell me to shop til my heart’s content, then we’ll have a problem). I’m the responsible wife. I rely on my Wicked year planner and my Palm Pixi calender to keep me on track. I’m no longer careless or free, at least… free in the sense that I want to be.

So why did this person who never takes no for answer, who was her own independent person her whole life, who has some weird strange addiction to men… get married?

To be completely honest, sometimes… I wonder the same thing. Why did I give up the things that satisfy me… up? Because when I look at him, I couldn’t imagine myself being happier with anyone else. When I look at him, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I had ever hurt him.

And even now, 6 years later and married… that thought still scares me. I don’t give a shit about any boy’s feelings. I don’t care enough to stay faithful! But I have been, for 6 solid years and sometimes I amaze myself because I’m not this sweet, caring, organized person who is willing to care for someone else and sacrifice the things she wants to make him happy. But I am, I am for him.

And his smiles, they make the fact that I’m not who I use to be… the fact I can’t go back to who I use to be… worth it.

And what’s even better? The days I struggle with craving that freedom, that recklessness… I’m free to tell him and he won’t look at me any different. Instead he’ll give me a hug, a kiss on the forehead and say “you’re fine, silly face”.

Like Diddy says… I’M A WORK IN PROGRESS!!

A day that changed my life, forever.

Today marks two years since we lost Flixie. And even though it’s been two years, I still can’t watch his videos. I still can’t look at his pictures. Without tearing or crying. It still hurts that he’s gone.

And it’s still insane to think about, because he was a hamster. A small animal that lived way over his expected life span. And a grown adult, should not be crying over a hamster.

But he wasn’t just a hamster. He was my best friend. He was my baby boy and I cared about him so so much. He kept me going on days I just wanted to lay in bed all day and just cry. He was smart for his kind. And I think he cared about me just as much as I cared about him!

I miss his long fur and his scent. I miss giving him kisses in the morning before going to work and school. I miss sharing my tortilla and rice with him. I miss his pretty face and his pretty eyes. I miss knowing he was never lost because as soon as I started shaking his food bag he’d coming running straight to me. I miss how he listened. I miss him running up to his cage bars at the fights sound of me crying. Even if he was asleep. I miss him purring in his sleep. I miss a million things about him that I’m slowly losing memory of and I wish I wasn’t.

I miss you Flixie buns. I hope you’re doing good, wherever you are. And you’re having sweet dreams. I love you. Rest In Paradise baby boy…

I use to be one of those people who’d constantly be angry and sad or irritated at something, anything and I just don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to seem anything like that person anymore because I don’t believe I am that person.

I’ve let go of a lot of things in my past that has kept me down. I’ve forced myself to forget a lot of things that make me angry or sad. I’ve stopped wondering why that happened to me because sitting here being upset or sad over something that’s already happened is pointless. Something that I know the people who have done to me won’t give me an answer to because they’ve forgotten that they’ve hurt me. So why should I spend all my time worried about it? There are some things in life that just happen. The most you can do about it is take what has happened to you and turn it into an experience. Learn something from it. Grow stronger from it.

With that said, I do try to be bubbly and happy and positive. But sometimes, stress just gets to me. It creeps up and bites me when I least expect it and I take it out on the people around me. And in the last few months, I haven’t been as positive or as happy as I could be. I know I’ve been snapping at my husband a lot more, I’ve been throwing tantrums and I’ve been grumpy. And I hate that I have been. I hate being stressed out. I hate the headaches and migraines. I hate the anxiety and I hate getting sick from how stressed out I’ve been.

I feel like all the weight is on me. And maybe because it is. I’m the one who has to figure out a way out of this situation. I’ve given in to the thought of Debt Consolidation because I can not go on with this struggle on my own. When your minimum payments hit well over $300 for just one credit card, that’s when you realize you’re swimming a pool of doom. My mom wasn’t too happy about this idea, I suppose and having to deal with her about it was not helping my stress. I am not in favor of the idea of bankruptcy.

My brother always hated that I never looked at the bigger picture when I was younger. I always focused on right now. What would be a great solution for right now. And it would always bite me in the ass later. I feel like my husband and my mother aren’t looking at the bigger picture. I think bankruptcy would have the ability to screw us over in the long run. Not to mention that filing for bankruptcy means giving up the chance to join the military and that is not what I intend to do.

I’m the type of person who’s always looking for new experiences. For new hobbies. New interests. New things. I like flipping my life upside down, inside out and spinning it around. I get bored of things too quickly and I always want something new. Maybe that’s why I stick to paid blogging even though it’s not going where I want it to go or as quick as I want it to because finding these new blogs, communities and companies is new. It’s new without being brand new but its enough to curb my urge for something new. Does that make sense?

Okay I got totally side tracked, Nicolas finally added a fan photo page and 3 of my pictures are up there, yay! See here. Which reminds me to get his fan page up that I’ve been on and off working on since…. November lol.

There was a song that a friend of mine suggested when I was down one day… I can’t remember the name, lets hope its on my itunes… its this song Hope – Rain Don’t Last. And this song always makes me feel better when I’m having a hard time trying to figure out why things are the way they are. Even though I think I have a pretty good hold on being positive, some days are just harder than others. Just like with OCD, some days are better and easier than others… but life isn’t perfect and there’s no way that in this life or in the previous or in the next that we’ll have all perfect days.

I know things right now are hard, things will always be hard. That’s the beauty of life, it’s hard. It’s challenging. It pushes you. It’s up to you to push back. And even though right now I can’t see a light at the end of this very long and dark tunnel, I know there is one. It’s just up to me to find it. And I know I will, with time.

When you think about giving up, think of why you’ve held on for so long.

Where I’m suppose to be, where I want to be, who I want to be, who I’m suppose to be…. I look back on everything and everything behind me is either blank or a mess. I never pictured my life to turn out this way. I never pictured to be 24, still living at home with no job, no career, no degree and a crazy amount of debt. Oh and married. Never pictured I’d be married.

Then again, at 16 all I could imagine was how wonderful it would be to just end it all. How free I’d feel to finally leave this toxic world behind.

So I guess, I really had no plan. Unless to not live anymore is considered a plan.

When I was graduating high school, I knew what I wanted to be. Plain and simple. A pastry chef. My whole life I was always amazed by food, by cute pastries and pretty designs on cakes. I’ve been collecting cook books since I was a child and I’d flip through the pages and pretend I made what was on those pages. And when I graduated high school and enrolled myself into culinary school with no second thought about it… I thought my dreams were finally going to come true.

But they didn’t. And this, my friends, is life.

I did well while in culinary school. I had never baked anything that wasn’t instant in my life prior. I would actually wake up at 4AM, grab a Cafe Mocha with 3 shots of caramel and a doughnut ball pyramid drizzled in chocolate sauce from Starbucks every morning (thank the God’s there was a Starbucks downstairs), get to class chanting what the fuck am I doing here, I can’t do this, I can’t do this the rest of the day. And at the end of the day, I would get an A on every single cake I made. And there was my loving boyfriend, who didn’t really get why I was there but he would wake up some days at 4AM with me, fall asleep at Starbucks and make sure to wake up during my lunch then back to Starbucks when I was back in class. And though he didn’t get it, he supported me through it. He tried all of my cakes and he encouraged me to keep going. And without that, I don’t think I would had made it as far as I did.

But that was five years ago. And I still can’t believe it’s been that long. And he still doesn’t think I was meant to be a chef in this life (in the nicest way possible of course) but he strongly believes I was meant to be a journalist. Every time I tell him I’m going to change my major (from Accounting, to Psychology, to Business, to Oceanology, to History to Web Design… I’ve changed my majors a lot) he gives me this look and he goes off talking about how wonderful my writing is and how I should write. I should quit wasting time with things that I know I won’t be good at (in the nicest way possible) and just go with what I obviously have talent in – writing.

And yes, I could do that and yes I do want to do that… but I feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions. There’s so much I want to learn, to do. And I feel like I don’t have much time to do any of it. I want to own a cupcakery one day. I want to work with live theater (I want to be in live theater but let’s face it, there’s no way I can convince you that I’m made for it in this lifetime, sadly lol), I want to be a journalist. I want to be in business. I want to own my own business, wait I guess that goes under cupcakery doesn’t it… I want to be a photographer. I want to live in Nevada and Washington and Alaska and Italy and New York…! I want to write for a food magazine. I want to excel in something, anything and be known for it. I want to be a psychologist. I want to change peoples lives who suffer from OCD. I want to make a difference.

And I don’t know where I should go. Or what I should do. I’m hoping that the next two years I’m going to spend (finally) getting my GE done will give me time to think things through, to come up with a destination.

The only disappointment about this is that, I’m turning 25 this year and I told myself I’d get my degree by 25 and I did try, and it just didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. I shouldn’t be too upset right? Life doesn’t really start until you’re 30 anyway, I don’t see why I’m so hell bent on making a life for myself before 30.

But this is life. It’s not perfect. It’s not what you’ve always dreamed of. And it certainly does not go the way you’ve planned, most of the time. The most you can do, is make what you can with what you’re getting. Because everything that does happen in your life. Happens for a reason. You may not get what the reason is right now, but some day, it’ll all make sense.

So, what are you trying to say? That my brain is… chemically imbalanced?! How does a brain become chemically imbalanced when nothing gets into the brain? At least, not physically.

Most people who suffer from mental illnesses don’t just suffer from one. But a string of them. Prior to dealing with OCD, I was struggling with depression. I suppose, if you think about it… a brain can become chemically imbalanced within time. Sort of like how a persons personality can reflect the things they’ve experienced in life. Both things aren’t physical, right?

I’ve read a few books on OCD; Brain Lock (which wasn’t very helpful and didn’t make much sense) and I had an OCD workbook. Like this one. This was prior to giving in and seeing a therapist. My mother always told me scary stories when I was younger about how they throw you into mental homes (she works in a mental home, ironic, isn’t it?) so naturally, I was afraid that’s what would happen. Even though legally, they can’t do that… right? Just a word of advice… self help books don’t work. They’re good to read, but don’t expect them to replace proper treatment.

Now that you know I’ve been diagnosed (twice, by two different therapist I may add) and have seen a therapist (who is amazing and I miss dearly). I have refused medication. I knew a girl, when I was in high school that took anti depressants for her depression. Unfortunately there isn’t a special OCD medicine, they give you anti depressants because they also act as anti anxiety medication. Yeah, I didn’t know that either! But anti depressants are not your friend, definitely, not.

To be honest, I don’t know where this blog is going… I’m just rambling… but its my blog, I think I have every right to ramble, don’t you ?

OCD is a disease that’s commonly looked over. Or made fun of. But to the people who suffer from it every single day, it isn’t a joke. Or something to make fun of. It’s a serious issue that unless you’re dealing with it, you’ll never know it’s intensity or pain.

For example, when my husband crashed my car cause he zoned out for a second. Sure, it could had been prevented. But it wasnt. It’s already happened. And for some odd, strange reason, it was meant to happen. So what was the use in getting upset? Yes its a hassle, its always a hassle to deal with things like that. And yes I was out of a car for a week. But being upset wasnt going to fix my car any faster. So what was the point. That would just be me, wasting my energy on something that I didnt need to waste it on.

The last two days have been depressing and left me feeling hopeless. I usually try not to write when I’m angry or sad, because that’s not how I want to be known. Because it isnt who I am, anymore. I do have my moments where I just feel like banging my head against the wall screaming “WHY WHY WHY” but you know, we all do. Right?! Feeling hopeless is inevitable. It’s bound to happen. The only thing I hate, about feeling hopeless… is that I start to loose sight. I start thinking that maybe my dreams arent worth chasing. And I know I’m just thinking that because I’m angry, not because I mean it.

I put myself in my situation. I didnt learn my lesson the last three times, and this is what it resulted in. In me, sitting here, feeling sorry for myself and hopeless. With a good pinch of anxiety. I dont know how I’m going to solve this problem, or how I’m going to get rid of it within the time limit I’ve given myself, and I dont know if I’ll ever figure it out. But I just have to have faith that I will, and when this hits again, I have to reassure myself that my dreams are worth chasing, because in the end, when all of this is done and over with… I’ll come out stronger, wiser and hopefully making better decisions.

And what good would my life be, if I dont reach my dreams? If I dont even attempt to reach them? What would my life be worth? Nothing. And I’m determined not make my life worth something.