I normally don’t pay much attention to event invites on Goodreads, but this one caught my eye. Bullying is something that’s a pretty big deal with the book blogging community and it should be!

I grew up being bullied. Being bullied because I was too small or because I was skinny. Bullied because I looked like a nerd or because I was in band. I can’t say I really really remember what those days were like because I tend to block memories out… but I do have a lot of those days archived in old blogs from high school and reading back on them… they’re still painful. I did my best to ignore them or convince myself the opposite of what they were saying. But of course I also had my rebel days when I wanted to prove I was cool too. Even though the truth is, no matter what you do, you still won’t be cool. At least in their eyes.

It’s horrible to think of the things that younger people face these days. And with technology being what it is, just how far it can go. Harassment meant only being harassed at school or in person. These days kids are being harassed in the comfort of their own room, online, text message… it’s insane to think about.

And it’s hard to deal with, especially when you feel like there’s no one there to listen.

But there is. You just have to say something, to someone, anyone. A close friend, a teacher (contrary to popular belief, venting to a teacher makes you feel 10x better than venting to a friend. Believe me), a counselor, your parents (if you guys are on that level)… I know my biggest fear with saying something to someone was that they would snitch on me or they would tell my parents. But that isn’t the case, if you just need them to listen then tell them. It’s not as scary as you think it is. And you’ll feel a ton better. Promise :).

I miss turning on my iTunes and having a song just completely sweep me away in a memory or a thought strong enough to get me to write. I miss having a list of things to blog about when I got home. I miss blogging. Really blogging. Really writing. It’s been years since something has really inspired me.

My mind feels like a constant hazy fog. I have bits and pieces of things I want to write about. But as soon as they come, they leave. It kind of feelings like ever since OCD hit really hard everything artistic about me just faded away. I don’t web design, I don’t graphic design, I don’t write. I don’t do anything. And I feel like all my efforts to get back into the things I loved doing, are effortless. It’s like something coming between me and my project. Like an invisible wall pushing me back.

I wanted to change that this year. And I still do, but I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to give up, but I feel so hopeless.

Then again it’s after midnight. Misery always comes after midnight…

School has started. I’m excited for my Humanities class (even if the book is freakin $105) but a little worried. At least I have the next two weeks to focus on it before I have to go back to the Uni. Which screwed up our classes and some othe stuff. After that shit ass class though I’m glad we’re taking a break. So frustrating.

Besides that not much has been going on. I’m itching to go on some big huge shopping spree but even with money in my account I’m still hesitant to go shopping like I use to. I spent about 10 minutes trying to justify buying a book for $12. Which original price was like $16. I skipped on a MAC lipstick I really wanted (and it was the last one they had). And it’s just weird. Life without credit cards really changes you. And I mean I’m glad I’m more conscious of the things I buy but sometimes I just wanna go on a spree you know?

And because a blog is boring without pictures…

I finally tried those Luna Bar things and I’m obsessed with the Lemon Zest one. So good! And it has fiber and iron? YES! I’m also obsessed with the Hex Hall series. Demonglass was SO good. I’m excited for Spellbound (which comes out in March) but not because it’s the last in the series. Ho hum.

Went to Ikea with hubs. We were suppose to go jogging, but got a little side tracked. I love Ikea food! All this cost under $10.

Lucky me all these were on sale on Amazon for $8. The one on the far right (which is part of my 2012 Debut Author Challenge) is $18 originally so yay for that! I’m in the mood for light and quirky books/characters. Not much in the mood for heavy and gloomy novels right now. Maybe it’s because it’s Spring or because Valentines Day (my favorite holiday) is coming up but I just want to feel good right now.

I did manage to go a little shopping. I replaced my MAC Blacktrack gel eyeliner since the one I had was about 2 years old. I also got a purple one because I can’t seem to find a good purple liner. I have a thing for gel liners. They’re easier to apply but I hate struggling to take them off. Can’t win them all. I’m a sucker for Essie polish these days (the one on the left I’m wearing now, I love teal!) and I’m also a sucker for Nicki Minaj lol.  I have a thing for OPI mini’s. I hardly ever finish a bottle of nail polish so it just makes sense for me to get mini’s, esp when it comes to OPI since they’re not really my go to polish brand.

Lately I’ve been trying to rebuild a lost friendship… but it’s not really going too well. I don’t think he appreciates my “random questions game” too much. And it’s just… weird. Like, at one point of our lives we were BEST FRIENDS and there was nothing I could say to him that would make me feel awkward around him. We had that comfortable silence thing going on too and he was just, I don’t know, the greatest guy friend a person could ask for. And maybe dating him was a horrible idea but we were probably even closer after. And I don’t know, one day he just dropped me. Out of nowhere. I remember asking him a few years back what happened and he told me distance. But that didn’t really make sense considering I was always here and he was always there. So what gives?

So more years pass and I got the hint he just didn’t want to talk to me anymore so I left it alone and life moved in anyway. There were times within the last 6 years that I tried picking things back up again but each time it was always the same, I got the feeling he didn’t want to talk to me or he just blew me off. So I gave up. I didn’t talk to him for a whole year. No comments, no happy birthday, nothing. And I don’t know, I move back home and I just missed him. Sent him a message and got no reply. Attempted to talk to him on AIM the last few days and I don’t know, he says it’s been a long time and it has been. A very long time. But I don’t know, it just seems like he doesn’t really care. So why should I spend my time trying to rebuild a friendship that the other person doesn’t really care about anymore?

I get that friendships need effort to work, but it shouldn’t take this much effort just to get him to talk to me. I just needed to get that out. He doesn’t owe me his friendship and I’m not expecting him to just drop back into being my best friend or anything. I don’t really know what I’m expecting. Something and nothing at the same time. I just had to get that off my chest.

I’m lucky to have the husband I have. He knows how much this whole thing bothers me and even though I think he thinks he should be iffy about it, he’s not. He talks to me about it and he listens.

People change, but memories don’t.

Sometimes I wish they did.

So why don’t I turn off the light?

I can’t sleep in the dark.

Even in my apartment, I would leave the closet light on. I need light, somewhere. This use to bother my husband, but he’s grown use to it. What a good sport!

So anyway, the last time I went to the doctor to get my ears flushed, they mentioned you could easily do this at home. Here’s the deal with my husband and someone saying “you can do this at home”, he’ll do it. He will watch very carefully, ask questions and then, attempt to do it at home. I seemed to have missed this considering the assistant was flushing my ear while telling him this and it was a glob of earwax that was not coming out. I was too focused on how squishy the inside of my ear sounded.

So, it’s now that time of the year again (I really should do this twice a year to prevent my right ear epic build up) where I need to flush my ears. So husband got an earwax removal kit. Oh.

Here’s the difference between this and what I’m use to. When I call the hospital to set a flushing appointment, they tell me I need to “prep” with drops. So I skip it and I just spring it on them after a check up or something and I don’t use the drops. They just go straight to the flushing. Well, with the home kit, there’s drops and for some reason, this freaks me the fuck out. I read reviews and I have a blogger friend who does this and they say you’ll here “fizzing” and “popping” which means the solution is working then you flush. I’ll hear WHAT and WHAT? Hell no.

So last night I decided to skip the drops and go straight to the flushing. It wasn’t that bad but it sure didn’t help either. Like, at all. My blogger friend even commented that I was brave for attempting such a thing and assured me (again) the drops were the easy part. So later today, we’ll attempt the drops then the flushing. But let me tell you, I’m not excited.

In other news, I finally tried these Luna bars everyone’s talking about. I was interested mostly because it has two things I look for: Iron and Fiber. So if you could wrap that in something delicious, I’m all for it. I didn’t want to buy a box of just one flavor, so thankfully I found a box of mini’s with two flavors I was looking into: Lemon Zest and White Chocolate Macadamia. Plus they’re mini’s and I have this theory… everything tastes better when it’s mini. Mini cupcakes, mini macarons, mini M&M’s, mini Pepsi bottles… maybe it’s because I’m small and I like to appreciate the smaller products? Or maybe I just like feeling like I actually finished my food. Who knows.

Out of the two, I freakin LOVE Lemon Zest the best! It totally curbs my candy cravings too. Another thing I’m pretty darn obsessed with? The Hex Hall series by Rachel Hawkins! I just finished Demonglass yesterday and I’m just a ball of “OMFGCALOMFGARCHER” right now. I’m sad that Spellbound doesn’t come out until March and that it’s the end of Sophie’s story. This series is awesome. Sophie is such a sarcastic and funny character!

And in other-other news, Itotallythoughtschoolstartedtodaybutitdidn’t. Yeah, oops. Woke up at 8am for nothing. But at least I did get my Panera Bread souffle and the day felt pretty darn long. I also got a Mochalatta Chill and got to take a nap. So I guess it was pretty worth it :) haha!

Rain here is cold, ugly and for someone who anemic, pretty frustrating. While I was in Florida, I learned to love the rain. But the rain in Florida was drastically different. It was warm (we’d still keep the A/C running even during a storm warm), it was heavy, it came with amazing lightning and thunder so loud it sounded like the sky was literally cracking open. I loved being outside. I loved standing there, watching the flashes of lightning and counting the seconds between the sky cracking open. And when it was done , it left the air stuffy and so moist that if you rubbed your fingertips together you could feel small drops of water.

To go back to this type of rain; the cold and gloomy kind, is depressing.

Maybe I’m not making it any better by playing my Disney playlist on Spotify. Filled mostly with music that they played over and over at work. But right now, I would love nothing more than for it to be last year and for me to be sorting the charms table, stitching names on the back of hats and planning my getaway plan to get Earl of Sandwich for lunch.

Sometimes life gets in the way, sometimes things come up that cause you to put your dreams on hold. Sometimes you come home for a comfort that your core aches for and you realize that it’s gone, never to come back. And sometimes you just sit on the floor, not really sure what to do because suddenly the world feels so big and you feel so lost.

I can deal with missing Disney from this far away. I can deal with missing my friends. I can deal with missing my job. I can even deal with the fact that I’m so far away from a place that never fails to inspire or lift my spirits no matter what mood I’m in.

But dealing with being in a place where I came home to see a particular pretty face and knowing I never will? Is hard. Touching the spot in my room where she would set her paws, not really sure why she can’t come in, hoping that she left behind some hair… is hard.

Today, is hard.

Right now last year, I wanted to scream I love my life loud enough for everyone to hear. Hardly feel that way right now. It’s crazy, isn’t it? How much can change is 365 days. How you can go from the best days of your life and suddenly to the lowest. Things are difficult here, I wish I could say more because I could use encouraging words, but I don’t know. I just don’t feel right talking about it. I guess not right now. But maybe some day, you know, when it doesn’t really matter anymore.

Other than that, I failed my first class in the last year and a half and I’m pretty much kicking myself for it. It wasn’t that I didn’t try, it was that the instructor was horrible. I worked harder in this class than I ever had in the last year and a half only to completely fail. And it’s such a crappy feeling. Knowing you spent SO much time and effort just to make it seem like you didn’t do crap. Kinda makes you wish you didn’t do crap, maybe my feelings wouldn’t be so hurt right now. I want to fight the case. I’m not one to complain much or report anyone, ever. But really, if she doesn’t care enough to teach a class maybe she should leave and give the job to someone who will actually give a fuck. I’m just sayin.

… I need some positive points here.

Five kittens moved in about a month ago, after some unexpected accident happened. Like literally, that day. Just out of nowhere I see five kittens and their mom. And the kittens were jumping around, playing and napping in our grass. Like they live here! Well, a month later and… they’re still doing the same thing. We don’t mind so much, it’s nice having cats around again. People are saying our babygirl who passed sort of recently sent them. But five? What is she trying to say? There’s one that acts just like her. Really. It’s insane.

[ T-B, L-R: BeJeweled, my current obsession, hubs feeding ducks, obsession #2 & kittens ]

This is pretty much 2012 so far. I’ve been playing a lot of Bejeweled Blitz on my new iPhone (how did I ever survive without one?! I know, I feel like such a sell out but OMG the things you can do with this thing!!). I’m starting to think that you can’t exceed a certain score on phones… Cinnabon and I have rekindled our relationship. I finally hit green status on my Starbucks card and haven’t bought anything since because I can not get enough of these damn Mochalatta Chill’s! Why did I ever stop drinking them?!

I’m set to discover new places in Northern California. Mostly because I’m tired of going to the same places over and over and because I want to vlog about something interesting. The place where husband is feeding the ducks is AMAZING and I can’t believe I’ve never been there (drove passed it for years though)!! It’s relaxing, quiet and they sell these little take out boxes for $1.95 filled with food (like corn and stuff) to feed the ducks!

I’ve discovered Snapea Crisps. Husband actually went out to get me more one day after I finished the last bag. He couldn’t find the exact bag so he got me these, two bags of them. They’re SO much better! It’s sweet the things he’ll do just because I’m craving (: he also got me a Mochalatta Chill the other day while he was out looking for his Turtle Beach headset for his game. And this was after he dropped off lunch for me (: and a picture of the kittens. The one on the far left is “MeanSauce” who acts like our babygirl and the one sneaking away is the runt. He has a nook, that he never leaves.

I keep telling myself to clean and sort and purge things. Then I tell myself again the next day. Then get frustrated because nothing’s done and tell myself again. I blame OCD, seriously, with this cold weather I don’t want to wash my hands 100 times.

The SOPA blackout protest is tomorrow, who’s participating? I AM!!! Going to (hopefully) get to that cleaning and sorting stuff. Maybe crochet a bit, catch up on some reading (I hope to read 50 books this year), maybe take a nap… does playing Bejeweled count? I really hope not…

Off to fill in my new 2012 calender (:

2011 was one of the BEST years of my life, legit. I got to cross off #1 on my bucket list + live my dream + make amazing friends from all over the world. I was lucky enough to live in a completely different state and on my own. I made Yelp Elite (something I’ve been working towards for years), made Amazon Vine (another working towards for years thing), I took a week long vacay to Vegas and Disneyland, I made YouTube partner… I pretty much accomplished everything I wanted to. So what’s left to accomplish in 2012?! Not much, to be honest.

I would like to make more time to read and review books (since I didn’t get much time to do that this year) and discover new book loves, to make more and better videos, to make more time for creativity. I want to learn how to knit/crochet. I want to come up with my own recipe. I want to go to NY to visit friends and see Wicked on Broadway. I want to improve my GPA. I want to take more pictures. I want to write again. Really write. I want to be the change I want to see in the world.

I’m thinking of making a new LiveJournal and writing every single day about how I feel because it’s been far too long since I’ve done that. I don’t write and think like I use to and I miss that. But being older, there’s so much more to worry about. I’m thinking of launching a new blog that has to do with — food, of course. A friend of mine is starting his own travel business and it sort of inspired me to really look into something I’ve been thinking about doing for awhile… starting my own non profit organization. But it’s going to take a long time to get together, but it’s something that I really really believe in and for people like me, we need somewhere to turn.

So those are my resolutions for 2012, it’s not so much in a form of a solid list this year like it usually is and there isn’t a million things on there, like there usually is. But there are big things that I’m looking forward to.

Oh and the usual things too; eat healthier, drink less soda and do something active once a week.

Hope 2012 is amazing for all of you as well!

But, I don’t know. I hate touching up my makeup, I hate having to check if my eye shadow or my liner has smudged yet and I hate that I push my husband away when he rubs my face/kisses me because I’m scared he’s messing up my makeup.

He loves me without all that crap on my face. He loves the face that he wakes up and falls asleep to. And isn’t that what everyone is searching for? Someone to love them when they’re the most exposed? So why am I so worried about looking like that when I have someone who loves me the most when I look like this? Someone who loves that I don’t spend hours trying to find the perfect thing to wear, that I’m the most adorable in a hoodie and jeans.

I have never really been happy with the way I look. I thought makeup would fix that, and it didn’t really do for me what I thought it would. I do like wearing makeup because I love colors, but it didn’t hide the things that I wanted hidden. But what is it exactly that I’m trying to hide?

No, it was never my appearance  that bothered me. It was me that bothered me. The me that only I know, the me I see when I look in the mirror. The me that I’m going to spend my whole life trying to figure out and fix. The me that only he knows, and the me that still loves despite it’s flaws and damages.

So, in 2012, I’ll try to love and accept myself, just a little bit more. Because I think I need to.

I guess it’s because now I’m older. I’m not just receiving gifts, but I’m expected to give them too. It’s different when you’re a kid, all your time is consumed with enjoying every bit of Christmas. Every thing from when the tree goes up to the usual yearly television programs to shaking the boxes under the tree with your name on it and trying to figure out what it is.

I honestly don’t remember when was the last time I shook a box under the tree.

I think my Christmas joy was left behind along with it.

Now that I’m older, I can’t really fully enjoy Christmas and it sucks. I have things to worry about like getting gifts, cleaning the room, bills and homework. My winter break starts today. And I guess I should be thankful, some people don’t start til Friday and that must really suck. I’ve been so busy the whole month of December trying to keep my grades up and with all the fuss at home that I didn’t really get to enjoy much of December. Then again, it’s been awhile since I did. Last year I was busy with moving across the country and the year before that was spent worrying about my wedding. I’m hoping I’ll get to enjoy every month as they come in 2012.

I finally wrapped all the gifts and used up pretty much my whole roll of wrapping paper. Which is shocking since I only wrapped gifts for the family and for one friend. And it’s not like I suck at wrapping and wasted a bunch of paper or anything either. But it kinda just sucks, husband and I spent a lot on gifts and we’re not really expecting anything this year.

Another thing that sucks about growing up? Everything you want is pretty much over $100. But we figure when we get some money, we’ll wrap gifts, put them under the tree and have our own private version of “Christmas”. He’s a little upset I don’t have anything to unwrap this year and he spent all his money on his family (he has a HUGE family, I’m lucky I don’t). He did get me one thing, but according to him, pulling something out of a gift bag doesn’t count. I don’t mind too much, but I know he minds, a lot. One Christmas he even went as far as wrapping a Christmas card he got me, just so I had something to unwrap. He’s so silly, but it’s cute that he smallest things mean a lot of him.

It’s almost 3am, again. I told myself I wouldn’t sleep so late anymore. But I really want to start Lola and the Boy Next Door by Stephanie Perkins. My reading has sucked this month too, which is really, really upsetting.

UoP is driving me insane. My learning team sucks, it’s always just me and this other girl who is doing all the talking and doing all the stuff for the paper. The other 3 people take turns disappearing off the face of the planet or they respond like half an hour before the paper is due. Gee, thanks guys. The teacher blows too. She never responds to you and she’s skipped over my discussion question points several times. Seriously? You see all the responses from people, how do you not see WHAT they’re responding to!? ARGH. Fuckin… argh.

Last week was pretty hectic. A lot of stuff happened that I don’t really feel like talking about here. But it’s changed some things, in a good way. I wish I could talk about it, but I’m very protective over the subject and it’s not like anyone would understand either.

I guess I don’t like being here in CA because everyone knows who I am, not who I am, but certain personal things about me. But only because I grew up here and people know my family type thing. I guess I liked it better in FL cause I could be anyone, with any sort of past or no past at all and no one would know the difference. Sometimes life’s just better pretending.