I ended up breaking down at the mall yesterday, and I hate crying in public. I hate when people even just glance in my direction. It makes me want to punch faces. Everything is just so… hard and frustrating right now and it’s one of those times when I wish life would just come with answers. But it’s me we’re talking about, when am I not struggling with something. I should be use to this by now, and maybe sometimes I am, maybe it’s why I’m sitting here today with a smile on my face even though just yesterday I felt like exploding.

My husband. My dear darling husband.

He wasn’t as understanding as he usually is yesterday, he was stressed out himself and he doesn’t talk much of his feelings so I had no idea why he felt the way he felt until we talked about it last night. In fact, we spent 3 hours talking about it. Which really isn’t that new, for some reason we talk best after 10PM. He was telling me what he’s been stressing about lately and what he’s been struggling with lately as well. Something I don’t really like talking about because it scares me. It’s nothing bad, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway if I told you.

We talked a bit about my OCD. I was saying how I’m not strong enough right now to fight it. Stress makes it worse and right now with all I’m stressing about, there’s no way I’d be able to control my OCD when my mind is in a million other directions. He says that maybe I just don’t want to get rid of it. I can’t deny, maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just so use to it by now that I don’t mind it. When I should. Obviously in the last 6 years I wasn’t “ready” to fight it either, so what about 6 years from now? Will I still not be “ready”? What about 10 years from now? Will my husband and children have to tip toe around mommy’s OCD? I want a normal life, or at least, what normal life I had before OCD (reminds of this Wicked line: “She’s stripped the munchkins of our rights! And we didn’t have that many to begin with!”).

I hate that he has to suffer with me, in his own way. I hate that he can’t come in my room because of my OCD, I hate that I can’t be the person he fell in love with because my OCD took over. I hate that when we’re on vacation I give him restrictions. Or I get grumpy when he does something slightly “wrong”. He knew the problem with my hands was eczema. I didn’t know it. I had hopes that it wasn’t and it was just something that would go away eventually. But it’s not, its eczema. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hopeless before. The dry itches on my hands won’t ever go away. I’m going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Right now, I have scabs all over my fingers from scratching them in my sleep. And it’s because of my OCD. I wish I could had controlled it more before damaging my hands…

I love him for being so understanding and patient. I love him for finding out that long tight hugs make anxiety go away faster on the days when I feel like my heart is going to explode from anxiety. I love that even though he hates my OCD, it doesn’t stop him from trying to help me get better. I love that he supports me, through anything and everything. I lovelovelove that he encourages and pushes me to write and read everyday. That when I get too lazy to do my blogging assignments, he’ll turn off the tv and make me write my assignments because he knows this is what I want to do. I love that he tries to make me smile and laugh when I’m crying my eyes out. Even if it means that when I laugh I spit snot at him. I love that he listens to me when I tell him my wishlist when it comes to books or makeup. I love that on the days when I’m reading a book he always wants me to read to him, even if he has no idea what the book is about or anything. Just so he could be doing something with me.

In a week or a month or a year or even in a few years of nothing but struggles and stress, he makes everything better. It doesn’t matter what life throws at us anymore, as long as I have him I know I’ll be okay. I couldn’t ask for a more amazing, loving and selfless person to spend my life with. I just wish I could be as selfless as he is and support him the way he supports me. But I’m thankful that he loves me for what I can give him even if it’s not as much as he gives me.

I love you dope friend, we’ll be okay. Cause you know… life can’t suck forever right?

But no, I’m surfing Good Reads. And happily ! I don’t get many days to do nothing. And when I do, I kick myself for doing nothing because my mind is always in a million different places at the same time. Like a few hours ago, I just compiled a list of “things to do before I turn 30″ and publishing a book is on that list. I think I’m insane! My husband replied with “why can’t you just enjoy life and record the good times in a journal?” that’s a good question, why can’t I? I can think of a few reasons why I’m like this and it all leads back to my mother. Of course right? When you have some crazy unexplainable obsession, it always leads back to your mother. Which makes me afraid to be a mother!

Anyway…

I was reading about Nicolas Sparks. He’s been my favorite author for years. Most people don’t like his style of writing because it’s always intensely passionate, but also extremely heartbreaking. To the point where if you pick up one his books you, you can just assume that it’s going to end in tragedy. And I love that! I love tragic love stories. Okay, maybe not. Of all his books I’ve read (and I’ve read almost all of them) there are about two that that don’t end in tragedy.

When I started reading The Notebook in 2004, I was sucked in. I was sucked in like I’ve never been sucked in by a book before. But it was weird. I was caught up in this epic love story between Ally and Noah. Wondering where they would end up, what would happen, would they find each other again? But I also remember stopping every few chapters. Because I just had to write. I had to write something. And I did. I ended up writing probably the longest blog entry I’ve ever written in my entire life. Not only was it written over a few days (which is hard for me to believe because my attention span doesn’t want to be my friend) but it was pieced together beautifully and it didn’t go off track at all and I had a good solid conclusion to it. I printed it out and gave it to my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) for his birthday.

Because it was about him.

Over the time I read The Notebook, I wrote several entries about him. I’ve written entries about him after watching the movie and even now, years later. I still write entries about him after reading the book or reading a quote from the book or seeing the movie.

And it just amazes me. I was never able to write about anything happy prior to Martin. And shifting from writing about the sadness of life to completely happiness I couldn’t explain was new and it flowed so easily. Where the hell am I going with this lol!

I always seem to relate us to Noah and Ally. Because of our similarities, because of the financial status that set us apart. And because of a parents opinion on that financial status. I was Ally, the rich girl who got everything she wanted and had a promising future ahead of her if she wanted it. And he was Noah, who wasn’t so fortunate but enjoyed all the small and silly things life had to offer. How I felt free when I was with him, I could be as silly or as childish or as serious as I wanted to be. How we constantly joked around and made faces at each other (and we still do). How I’m impossible and picky and I have a rebound rate of 3 seconds before I’m doing the next pain in the ass thing. And how he doesn’t care, he just wants me, all of me, forever.

And how thankful I am. For him. Everyday. For loving all of me, even the parts of me I hate. For his never ending support in all that I do. For always willing to push me and encourage me in the things I don’t know about or the things that I fear. And for caring about me as much as he does.

And for always putting on the Notebook or handing me the book when it’s been too long since the last time I’ve visited the story .

I forgot how much I love the camera on my pink Aspire One laptop! I’ve had this hid away for over a year now because the battery died out and Fry’s told me it would cost over $100 to get a backup. I only realized after Martin left for Basic that I could get a backup battery on Amazon for $68! Damn you Fry’s!

Speaking of, 3 military people walked in today. Two were USAF, I couldnt help but whimper because I want my own set of ABU’s. And one day, I will .

It was storming this morning. Well into the early afternoon. But it literally sounded like sheets of rain just flying to my window. It was insane and it kept me up all night. Goodness. Martin called randomly asking if I was okay and if the rain was keeping me up… how does he know these things?! lol. Have I mentioned how much more aware of my discomforts he’s been since we got married? Every small thing he jumps up wondering if I’m okay and what he can do to make me feel better. He’s amazing.

Like right now, he’s sitting next to me playing his DSi quietly and letting me get some work done on my laptop. Not even complaining that we’ve been here for nearly two hours. How did I get so lucky .

Oh also, we saw lightning while we were on the freeway! I was so excited! I love lightning. I got to see it twice on the way here !

This is insane.

Oh! And Christmas shopping is done, mostly. I have to get 3 more things and I’ll be done I wish I could had enjoyed the holiday spirit more this year, this month flew right by me thanks to planning this wedding (though I cant really complain, I’m getting my dream winter wedding and my navy blue with silver dream wedding)! I hope next year I’ll be able to be more into the holiday spirit and actually get our tree up (I wasnt able to this year, sadly) and bake delicious cookies and make cute little crafty things and just enjoy everything.

Martin hugged me one night and told me “did you know, we’ll be starting the new year as a family? We wont just be saying it anymore, it’ll actually be true this time”. And that made me happy. Like everyone else who knows us, we already feel like we’re married. But know that we will actually be a family does make me feel warm inside

He’s determined to make next year happy for me, my happy 25. I’ve been dreading turning 25 since I had a nervous break down when I turned 20! Haha. Goodness, he’s put up with my random outbursts for such a long time. I think its cute and sweet of him to make sure that me turning 25 wont be such a big deal and I’m so thankful that he cares that much.

This one day we were at the mall and we were walking out of this kiddie/anime store and there was a scroll poster on the wall and one of the guys who are in the Kingdom Hearts Organization XIII looks like Sephiroth (a Final Fantasy video game character), well, in my opinion. So I get them mixed up. Martin’s a big Sephiroth fan (I personally dont like him) and so I was pointing to it and I said “hey, isnt that your friend?” and he was like “no, that’s not him” and I was like “oh… I tried” and we were walking away from the store and I was thinking about my ex who probably woulda bit off my head for not being “smart” enough to know the difference and Martin squeezed me and said “I’m not mad, I’m not like your ex. I dont expect you to remember all of these things” sometimes I think he can hear my thoughts. But I do love that I dont have to pretend to be some video game expert to keep him happy and I’m glad that the things I do know, he’s excited to teach me

I’m working my way though the Sweep series, I’m on book 7 (The Calling) right now and I’m fighting the urge to go continue reading it lol. I’m sad that I’m almost done with the series! I’ll try to post up a few reviews (I think I reviewed the first one, though I’m not sure). I think my blog could us a few more pictures anyway

I’m also suppose to be finishing up some packages that I’m gonna have to send out on Monday, and I’m not haha. I’m lazy! And it’s cold! I’ll finish them soon though. Its not much left to get done, but still a bit. Hopefully Monday will the be the last busy day before Christmas! Next year, I’m not going to forget to get my holiday shopping done in November! Haha.

Me: You know, you remind me of my brother.
Him: Haha, how?
Me: I dont know, you guys have the same birthday? *shrugs*

It was a constant question you asked me because it was a constant thing I said. I dont know why when I obviously didnt want to talk about it.

Me: Why do you like spending time with me?
Him: Listen *plays Addicted by Simple Plan*

Some questions you took forever to answer, too.

I miss being young with you. Being that carefree, that clueless. I miss the days before OCD, when I’d play with you anywhere and everywhere and I never cared about dirt or contamination. I know you miss that too. I wish we could just hold hands and walk around the mall and not have a care in the world and the only thing we were worried about was being together. And the only thing that mattered was that you were here, right now. With me, holding my hand.

I wish life was still that simple.

But we’re a lot older now, that was five years ago. And I look at us now, and every struggle we’ve fought together. Every bump in the road, every wrong decision, every fight, every fall out and we’re still here. Standing with each other, still promising to never leave the other behind. And you’re right, we have came such a long way. A very long and tiring way.

You accept me for everything I am. You understand everything in my life that’s made me me. You understand everything thrown at me that shapes who I become, you dont always agree with it, but you understand it and you support me as best as you can. You’ve taught me so much about life and patience and love and forgiving people. About letting things go and walking away when there is no solution.

I know I am who I am today, because I knew you.

You spend your days trying to make sure I have a good day. Every ounce of your effort (most days) are spent trying to make me happy. You support every crazy idea and plan I have no matter how little experience I have in that field. You actually want to help me achieve my dreams and you help me, as much as you possibly can.

I’m not perfect, you’re the only one who see’s my everyday struggles with myself and knows their extremes. You’ve came with me to every group therapy session, every doctor’s appointment, and you’ve even sat and read self help books with me.

You know how I feel about marriage, but I can not help but be excited to spend the rest of my life with you. I dont care what happens or how we’re going to fix this or if we’ll ever be out of debt or anything. I dont care. All I care about right now is telling you that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And we’ll figure everything else out later. I vow to be by your side forever, and to support you in everything you decide to do or not do.

You’re right, I am the stronger one in the relationship. But only because I have an amazing man to ground me.

I’m ready to get married to you. And I hope you know that.

Foreal foreal.

I forget how inspiring One Tree Hill is to me.

I dont dwell on my past half as much as I use to, in fact a lot of my past is a blur. But certain songs still bring up certain people, certain days, certain feelings. And sometimes, its a refreshing blast of memories. Like on a cold November night like this one.

In every life there will be one great love and one unforgettable heart break.

November was never a good month for me, majority of my break ups happen in November. My “unforgettable heart break” happened in November. I can deny you all I want, but no one hurt me as much as you did. And I cant figure out why, besides that I was young and stupid. You were a pretty decent boyfriend, a push over but decent. But everyone needs to feel the pain you gave me, its a big part of who made me who I am today. And I happen to like who I am today.

Moving on… I’m getting married. Wow. Me. Getting married. Never would had thought. Sure we’ve been together for almost six years (wow, six years, really?) but I just never really saw us getting married. I’m a lot like Ben Affleck in “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days”. I figure we’re happy, why ruin it by getting married. And sure, I still think that. But a small itty bitty part of me is actually kinda excited. Shh, dont tell Martin I said that. I always thought that once you get married, or engaged, the past kinda just… disappears. You dont think of the past or what-could-had-been or why-did-that-end. Why I thought that is beyond me.

I guess I’m lucky. I’m lucky because my fiance is my best of all best friends. Literally. We talk about my exes, we talk about his exes, we try to figure out why our past relationships failed. We have real conversations about things like that. He knows how I feel about all of my exes, he knows the ones I wish I was still friends with or the ones hurt me. And he does what I always wished someone would do with that information. He uses to know who I am and how I am. Not against me, but as a better understanding of how I react to things. I’m lucky because in the last six years, he was able to figure who I had a crush on. At work, at school, to him it was so obvious. And he’d pick on me, not in a jealous boyfriend way but in a ooh-I’m-telling-him-you-like-him way. And sometimes between us, its just so easy to forget we’re together. Because the majority of the time, we dont feel like that. We feel like two best friends hanging out.

Words can not express how lucky and blessed and happy I am to have him. To have someone who’s just like me. Who sacrifices just to see a smile on their face. To spoil me with hugs and kisses and my favorite food “just because”. Who accepts every part of me, and who is completely in love with the tomboy side of me. Someone who’ll watch me put on lipstick, wipe it off with his finger, kiss me and whisper “you dont need it”. Someone who makes me feel so damn alive. He wont ask why I’m crying if I dont feel like telling him but he’ll hug the hell out of me until I’m spent, tuck me in bed and kiss me on the forehead and tell me to sleep it off.

I think back to exes and memories and the crazy fucked up crap you go through with them in high school and relationships that ended far too soon. And the boys I miss. And I look at him and I’m glad those relationship ended. I’m glad for all the fucked up crazy shit I went through. I’m glad I got kicked out school. I’m glad I had to repeat senior year. I’m so glad. I’m so glad to be here, with him. With this ring on my finger. With that ring on his.

I love you. I love you a million times. In a million different lifetimes. I’ve always loved you. I will always love you. My dope friend. My best friend. My babemerding. A million thank yous. For just being you <3.

I miss you holding the door open in women’s restrooms and watching me cause you know the hand dryer scares me. I miss you pulling me away from things you know I dont need to buy. I miss sharing Hazelnut Toffee Mocha’s from Seattles Best with you. I miss sharing soup and soda with you at Panera Bread. I miss sending you millions of Wicked videos from YouTube and watching them with you. I miss singing to Wicked with you. I miss singing with you in general. I miss your good morning phone calls and the songs you sing me while I’m waking up. I miss your cheerful “Hi baby!” when I pick up the phone. I miss you falling asleep on AIM while I’m still talking. I miss you playing your PSP way too loud in the car. I miss you driving me around. I miss how you always have to hold my hand while you drive.

I hate that we’ve been apart from each other for this long. I hate how far you are from me. I hate the days I walk in my room and smell you. I hate the times I bite my lip and taste your kiss. I hate getting in my car knowing you wont be joining me soon and I wont be getting a “good morning baby” hug.

I want to wrap myself in you and just sleep. I want the the its-just-you-and-me-here feeling again. I want you home. I want you here with me, right now. I want you to never leave me again.

I miss you so much and I try so hard to push it away and to just forget about it. I drown myself in “work” to avoid thinking about how you’re not here today or tomorrow or next week. I’m constantly moving cause being idle reminds me I cant pick up the phone and call you about my new idea’s or accomplishments or projects. I’m so set on doing something to make you proud when I see you again. And I’ve got a lot of things I’m working on, and yet none of them make me feel proud. I’m excited for some of them, but I just really wish you were here to work on them with me. Like you always do.

It feels like we’ve been apart forever. It feels like I wont see you for another forever. Its just a few more weeks, we’re half way done. I cant wait until you come home. I cant wait until I get to show you my projects and I cant wait to show you your surprise gift. I hope you like it. And I hope you like my new projects, its not jewelry but I think you’d be happy to know I’m working on something I’ve always had a passion for over something I just started.

I know its hard for you to push yourself without me. I know its hard for you to keep your head on right without me with you. Its hard for both of us, but you’re pushing yourself as far as you can and I havent been, and I should. Its not fair for you to and for me to sit here and mope. So the next few weeks, I’ll be pushing myself as hard as you’re pushing yourself.

I cant wait to see you again.

Yesterday I received two letters from Martin. Both three pages long (at first I was convinced this couldnt be my finace! He hates writing, but there it was. In his sloppy handwriting) and a letter about his graduation. I swear, I cried the whole time I was reading his letters. He was telling me how challenging everything was and just like the strong person he is, he was writing down plans to do better on his runs, his push ups, his crunches. I wish I was half as determined as he is when it comes to things that he fails at. I simply just give up. He never gives up, he never even thinks about giving up. And I admire that about him. He was telling me that he thinks of me when things get hard. And it makes me want to run over there (yes the whole how many states over) and just give him a huge hug and kiss. And let him know I believe in him. He also mentioned he wanted Olive Garden (OG is my favorite restaurant but he hates it there!) and he goes “its funny how when I leave I miss everything, or maybe I just want to be with you” and I just broke down. He would follow me no matter where I went, to the ends of the Earth if that’s where I wanted to go. And not in a lost puppy type of way, but in a I-want-to-be-where-you-are-always type of way.

I had just got done texting his mom the graduation details and my phone starts to ring, and its him!! Imagine my surprise. I picked up and he was on the other end, cheerful “Hi baby! What are you doing?” I missed his cheerful “Hi baby!” and so many things just flew out of my mouth. And suddenly, I just went blank. I know there was more I wanted to say and nothing was coming to mind! I hate that we’re on a time limit, it makes me forget things. Then he had to go, and I wish our phone calls werent bittersweet. We dont get enough of them and I dont want us to be sad when he hangs up. I’m determined to not let it end that way next time. I’m determined to have him laugh and smile when he hangs up the next time.

We’ll see each other again. Just a few more weeks, we’re strong enough to get through this. I’m so proud of him. I cant wait to spend a weekend with him and listen to all the stories he has to tell.

The wedding planning is… going. Not as fast and as final as I’d like it to, but… its getting there. I figured out the table decor. My main stress is finding a dress. Cause I’m not going anywhere unless I find a dress! My mind is just… everywhere right now.

Wedding planning, graduation planning, jewelry making planning, just… everywhere. Lots of planning.

I was calling a bunch of buffet’s in Las Vegas today and it looks like I’ll be sticking with the original plan. Everything else just… doesnt make sense and I dont know how good their food is. I dont want to risk it. Favors are slowly coming together… filling up my planning journal, rather quickly lol.

I started reading Sweep: Book of Shadows today, a few hours ago. And I’m down to having 1/4 of the book left! This book is so good. I’ve always been interested in Wicca and Greek Mythology and stuff. So, yeah, this book is great. My family is catholic so, I kinda know how Morgan feels. Its just… insane lol. I wish Martin was here so I could tell him about it, hes always interested to know what I’m reading about.

Goodness, how did I get so lucky?

[edit @ 7:40PM]
I finished the book. Darn! Now I want to read the rest of them!
[/edit]

Its the little things I miss the most.

The hand holding, the morning songs, even falling asleep on me on AIM and not calling to say good night. Night time is always the hardest time for me.

*sigh*

Yes, we sang a part of Defying Gravity to each other before saying goodbye. Does that make us lame? I dont really care. Its what we do, and it was actually really sad. I love you babe, I’m so proud of you. And I’m so thankful. You’re my dream come true too, I’ll be here waiting for you to come home. =(

————

So he’s shipping out in the morning, I’m feeling numb right now. We spent a lot of time yesterday talking, trying to laugh, staring at each other, hugging, crying and kissing. “Forever isnt enough time with you”. It isnt, and yes. I want more time too. I tried my best to be strong and was surprised at the fact that I was being the strong one he wasnt. Then he said “every drive home, you’ll be okay” and I cracked. I cant believe hes really going. This is surreal, this is insane. I dont think it fully hit me yet, I’m still awake. Waiting for an IM / call that I’m never going to get =\.

I dont know what I’m going to do.