thisgirlispoison

All the right friends & all the right places…

by zel

2012, you’re lonely.

Right now last year, I wanted to scream I love my life loud enough for everyone to hear. Hardly feel that way right now. It’s crazy, isn’t it? How much can change is 365 days. How you can go from the best days of your life and suddenly to the lowest. Things are difficult here, I wish I could say more because I could use encouraging words, but I don’t know. I just don’t feel right talking about it. I guess not right now. But maybe some day, you know, when it doesn’t really matter anymore.

Other than that, I failed my first class in the last year and a half and I’m pretty much kicking myself for it. It wasn’t that I didn’t try, it was that the instructor was horrible. I worked harder in this class than I ever had in the last year and a half only to completely fail. And it’s such a crappy feeling. Knowing you spent SO much time and effort just to make it seem like you didn’t do crap. Kinda makes you wish you didn’t do crap, maybe my feelings wouldn’t be so hurt right now. I want to fight the case. I’m not one to complain much or report anyone, ever. But really, if she doesn’t care enough to teach a class maybe she should leave and give the job to someone who will actually give a fuck. I’m just sayin.

… I need some positive points here.

Five kittens moved in about a month ago, after some unexpected accident happened. Like literally, that day. Just out of nowhere I see five kittens and their mom. And the kittens were jumping around, playing and napping in our grass. Like they live here! Well, a month later and… they’re still doing the same thing. We don’t mind so much, it’s nice having cats around again. People are saying our babygirl who passed sort of recently sent them. But five? What is she trying to say? There’s one that acts just like her. Really. It’s insane.

[ T-B, L-R: BeJeweled, my current obsession, hubs feeding ducks, obsession #2 & kittens ]

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Goodbye 2011, hello 2012!

by zel

I feel like I should be writing something epic today… but honestly, my mind is so jumbled up I almost didn’t even want to write an entry. But I haven’t missed writing an entry on NYE since, what, 2000?

2011 was one of the BEST years of my life, legit. I got to cross off #1 on my bucket list + live my dream + make amazing friends from all over the world. I was lucky enough to live in a completely different state and on my own. I made Yelp Elite (something I’ve been working towards for years), made Amazon Vine (another working towards for years thing), I took a week long vacay to Vegas and Disneyland, I made YouTube partner… I pretty much accomplished everything I wanted to. So what’s left to accomplish in 2012?! Not much, to be honest.

I would like to make more time to read and review books (since I didn’t get much time to do that this year) and discover new book loves, to make more and better videos, to make more time for creativity. I want to learn how to knit/crochet. I want to come up with my own recipe. I want to go to NY to visit friends and see Wicked on Broadway. I want to improve my GPA. I want to take more pictures. I want to write again. Really write. I want to be the change I want to see in the world.

I’m thinking of making a new LiveJournal and writing every single day about how I feel because it’s been far too long since I’ve done that. I don’t write and think like I use to and I miss that. But being older, there’s so much more to worry about. I’m thinking of launching a new blog that has to do with — food, of course. A friend of mine is starting his own travel business and it sort of inspired me to really look into something I’ve been thinking about doing for awhile… starting my own non profit organization. But it’s going to take a long time to get together, but it’s something that I really really believe in and for people like me, we need somewhere to turn.

So those are my resolutions for 2012, it’s not so much in a form of a solid list this year like it usually is and there isn’t a million things on there, like there usually is. But there are big things that I’m looking forward to.

Oh and the usual things too; eat healthier, drink less soda and do something active once a week.

Hope 2012 is amazing for all of you as well!

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Vanity

by zel

I look at all these pretty chicks on Instagram and Tumblr and I wish I looked like them; with their perfectly lined eyes (I mean am I ever going to get comfortable tight lining my eyes without blinking), their fake flawless skin (I can’t even wear foundation because it irritates my skin) and their perfectly curled hair. I wish I was pretty and confident like they are.

But, I don’t know. I hate touching up my makeup, I hate having to check if my eye shadow or my liner has smudged yet and I hate that I push my husband away when he rubs my face/kisses me because I’m scared he’s messing up my makeup.

He loves me without all that crap on my face. He loves the face that he wakes up and falls asleep to. And isn’t that what everyone is searching for? Someone to love them when they’re the most exposed? So why am I so worried about looking like that when I have someone who loves me the most when I look like this? Someone who loves that I don’t spend hours trying to find the perfect thing to wear, that I’m the most adorable in a hoodie and jeans.

I have never really been happy with the way I look. I thought makeup would fix that, and it didn’t really do for me what I thought it would. I do like wearing makeup because I love colors, but it didn’t hide the things that I wanted hidden. But what is it exactly that I’m trying to hide?

No, it was never my appearance that bothered me. It was me that bothered me. The me that only I know, the me I see when I look in the mirror. The me that I’m going to spend my whole life trying to figure out and fix. The me that only he knows, and the me that still loves despite it’s flaws and damages.

So, in 2012, I’ll try to love and accept myself, just a little bit more. Because I think I need to.

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Where is the Christmas joy?

by zel

Christmas doesn’t really feel like Christmas.

I guess it’s because now I’m older. I’m not just receiving gifts, but I’m expected to give them too. It’s different when you’re a kid, all your time is consumed with enjoying every bit of Christmas. Every thing from when the tree goes up to the usual yearly television programs to shaking the boxes under the tree with your name on it and trying to figure out what it is.

I honestly don’t remember when was the last time I shook a box under the tree.

I think my Christmas joy was left behind along with it.

Now that I’m older, I can’t really fully enjoy Christmas and it sucks. I have things to worry about like getting gifts, cleaning the room, bills and homework. My winter break starts today. And I guess I should be thankful, some people don’t start til Friday and that must really suck. I’ve been so busy the whole month of December trying to keep my grades up and with all the fuss at home that I didn’t really get to enjoy much of December. Then again, it’s been awhile since I did. Last year I was busy with moving across the country and the year before that was spent worrying about my wedding. I’m hoping I’ll get to enjoy every month as they come in 2012.

I finally wrapped all the gifts and used up pretty much my whole roll of wrapping paper. Which is shocking since I only wrapped gifts for the family and for one friend. And it’s not like I suck at wrapping and wasted a bunch of paper or anything either. But it kinda just sucks, husband and I spent a lot on gifts and we’re not really expecting anything this year.

Another thing that sucks about growing up? Everything you want is pretty much over $100. But we figure when we get some money, we’ll wrap gifts, put them under the tree and have our own private version of “Christmas”. He’s a little upset I don’t have anything to unwrap this year and he spent all his money on his family (he has a HUGE family, I’m lucky I don’t). He did get me one thing, but according to him, pulling something out of a gift bag doesn’t count. I don’t mind too much, but I know he minds, a lot. One Christmas he even went as far as wrapping a Christmas card he got me, just so I had something to unwrap. He’s so silly, but it’s cute that he smallest things mean a lot of him.

It’s almost 3am, again. I told myself I wouldn’t sleep so late anymore. But I really want to start Lola and the Boy Next Door by Stephanie Perkins. My reading has sucked this month too, which is really, really upsetting.

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Things are hectic… and strange

by zel

I just signed up for classes at the community college last night. I’m taking 2 classes there (one of which is at 10am, ugh); a Flash class (husband’s) and a Humanities class (mine). I wasn’t able to get English online or Spanish online so that sucks. I really want to take English 122 over and take a foreign language class. Not to mention my class at UoP. So I have 3 classes, and 2 different school. I know, crazy right? But I’m trying to stay busy and the more credits I get from the community college, the more I can transfer to UoP and knock out some classes. I pushed my grad date back because I took the 8 months off for Disney. Ahhh.

UoP is driving me insane. My learning team sucks, it’s always just me and this other girl who is doing all the talking and doing all the stuff for the paper. The other 3 people take turns disappearing off the face of the planet or they respond like half an hour before the paper is due. Gee, thanks guys. The teacher blows too. She never responds to you and she’s skipped over my discussion question points several times. Seriously? You see all the responses from people, how do you not see WHAT they’re responding to!? ARGH. Fuckin… argh.

Last week was pretty hectic. A lot of stuff happened that I don’t really feel like talking about here. But it’s changed some things, in a good way. I wish I could talk about it, but I’m very protective over the subject and it’s not like anyone would understand either.

I guess I don’t like being here in CA because everyone knows who I am, not who I am, but certain personal things about me. But only because I grew up here and people know my family type thing. I guess I liked it better in FL cause I could be anyone, with any sort of past or no past at all and no one would know the difference. Sometimes life’s just better pretending.

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