This is morning, that’s when I spend the most time, thinkin bout what I’ve given up…
SPiNNiNG: Mixed Tape by Jacks Mannequin <3
Growing up isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Decisions become more difficult, things aren’t black or white like when you were younger. Growing up sometimes means letting go of things that you know you’ve been holding on for far too long, for all the wrong reasons and finding the strength to say goodbye. To close that chapter of your life, even if you don’t want to.
A friend (and ex boyfriend) of mine had this little inside thing. And I don’t really know about him, but this inside thing meant the world to me. And even if it was kinda silly and stupid, it was one of those things that only the two of you got (like an inside joke without the joke). And back when it first happened, it was probably the most epic thing a boy has ever said to me and it was completely out of blue especially since at the time we weren’t even together. But we were always kinda on an off and half way when we were younger. Which kind of makes it weird that now that we’re all grown up, we’re still really close. But maybe that’s why too?
Speaking of, now that we’re grown up… I knew he wanted this thing back and I was hesitant to give it back because it was one of those “uh no, you gave this to me, MINE back off bitch!” kind of things. But I guess I selfishly kept it, even though it was given to me. And I guess I just hated the idea of him giving it to someone else. Made me feel less important and more of just a memory of his past. But I guess that’s kinda selfish since I’m married, isn’t it? It sounds worse than it is, trust me. But at least I’m being honest. Yes, I hate(d) the idea of him giving it to someone else and forgetting about me. But that’s just life. Things don’t always go down the path that you created for it. And because of that, you should probably close the chapter.
I admit, I was hoping he would say something besides being excited. But we’re not kids, winter doesn’t make him think of me anymore and he’s not in love with me anymore. And I guess by holding on to this thing, it was like my denial object. No one likes knowing that someone who means a lot to you doesn’t feel the way about you like they did, even if it was years ago. No one wants that confirmation.
“What” and “If” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.
Ain’t that the truth?
Time has passed, we’ve grown, we’ve changed. I know you’ll always have my back and that’s more than I can even ask of you at this point. I won’t sit here and wonder what if because of the choices we made we’re where we are with each other now. Still amazing friends who are (mostly) honest with each other. Thank you for the open invitation into your confusing and complex mind, and you know you’re always invited to mine. Enjoy your gift back from me. We had fun while it lasted. Thank you, for being you.
