Then I started thinking, about how we’ve been in this program for a year now. A year without credit cards. I couldn’t had imagined before and even now it still blows my mind that I survived! My shopping habits have slowed down (thankfully) and the money I do spend is money I currently have, not borrowed money. And it does put things in perspective.

I’m excited that my debt is almost paid off, but I think this has taught me that it’s possible for me to survive without credit cards and even though I really want them back, I think it would be a better idea to not take them back. I’ll still have them around, for emergency purposes, but I won’t be using them anymore for just anything.

Ah! This is so exciting :).

I use to be one of those people who’d constantly be angry and sad or irritated at something, anything and I just don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to seem anything like that person anymore because I don’t believe I am that person.

I’ve let go of a lot of things in my past that has kept me down. I’ve forced myself to forget a lot of things that make me angry or sad. I’ve stopped wondering why that happened to me because sitting here being upset or sad over something that’s already happened is pointless. Something that I know the people who have done to me won’t give me an answer to because they’ve forgotten that they’ve hurt me. So why should I spend all my time worried about it? There are some things in life that just happen. The most you can do about it is take what has happened to you and turn it into an experience. Learn something from it. Grow stronger from it.

With that said, I do try to be bubbly and happy and positive. But sometimes, stress just gets to me. It creeps up and bites me when I least expect it and I take it out on the people around me. And in the last few months, I haven’t been as positive or as happy as I could be. I know I’ve been snapping at my husband a lot more, I’ve been throwing tantrums and I’ve been grumpy. And I hate that I have been. I hate being stressed out. I hate the headaches and migraines. I hate the anxiety and I hate getting sick from how stressed out I’ve been.

I feel like all the weight is on me. And maybe because it is. I’m the one who has to figure out a way out of this situation. I’ve given in to the thought of Debt Consolidation because I can not go on with this struggle on my own. When your minimum payments hit well over $300 for just one credit card, that’s when you realize you’re swimming a pool of doom. My mom wasn’t too happy about this idea, I suppose and having to deal with her about it was not helping my stress. I am not in favor of the idea of bankruptcy.

My brother always hated that I never looked at the bigger picture when I was younger. I always focused on right now. What would be a great solution for right now. And it would always bite me in the ass later. I feel like my husband and my mother aren’t looking at the bigger picture. I think bankruptcy would have the ability to screw us over in the long run. Not to mention that filing for bankruptcy means giving up the chance to join the military and that is not what I intend to do.

I’m the type of person who’s always looking for new experiences. For new hobbies. New interests. New things. I like flipping my life upside down, inside out and spinning it around. I get bored of things too quickly and I always want something new. Maybe that’s why I stick to paid blogging even though it’s not going where I want it to go or as quick as I want it to because finding these new blogs, communities and companies is new. It’s new without being brand new but its enough to curb my urge for something new. Does that make sense?

Okay I got totally side tracked, Nicolas finally added a fan photo page and 3 of my pictures are up there, yay! See here. Which reminds me to get his fan page up that I’ve been on and off working on since…. November lol.

There was a song that a friend of mine suggested when I was down one day… I can’t remember the name, lets hope its on my itunes… its this song Hope – Rain Don’t Last. And this song always makes me feel better when I’m having a hard time trying to figure out why things are the way they are. Even though I think I have a pretty good hold on being positive, some days are just harder than others. Just like with OCD, some days are better and easier than others… but life isn’t perfect and there’s no way that in this life or in the previous or in the next that we’ll have all perfect days.

I know things right now are hard, things will always be hard. That’s the beauty of life, it’s hard. It’s challenging. It pushes you. It’s up to you to push back. And even though right now I can’t see a light at the end of this very long and dark tunnel, I know there is one. It’s just up to me to find it. And I know I will, with time.

When you think about giving up, think of why you’ve held on for so long.

But we made it to our Debt Consolidation appointment on time. We went with MMI, we read a lot of good things about them and people were directing us to them and lucky they have an office in the same city as our school, so yay for being able to talk to someone face-to-face (which is what I wanted). The lady who helped us, pulled up our credit reports for the both of us and asked us a few questions. All together, our debt is a little over $26,000. I thought it would be more than that, I thought my debt alone would be that much. But hearing that our joined debt that was that much was a relief! I had prepared myself for much worse! She kept mentioning that we should file for bankruptcy because we’re “young” and we “have a lot of time” but the thing with me and bankruptcy is that it stays on your record for ten years. And there have been horror stories about people who, even after ten years of filing were still declined for things like a home and a car because they’ve filed for bankruptcy before, period.

So if we were to go with the money management program, we’re looking at paying a little bit over $600/month for the next 51 months. I haven’t added the calculations up just yet, but I will in a bit. But either way, that’s way less than what we’re paying per month now and we can’t rack up any more APR than we already have. I don’t see a downside to this. And on top of that, my credit cards will be frozen (even though I don’t like this idea, I know in the end, it will be good for me) and I’ll be unable to use them. I say we should do it, Martin however wants to file for bankruptcy. Seriously, what is it with men and not looking at the bigger picture. If anything is pissing me off about him lately its his no-this-is-a-better-idea when it’s NOT because HE hasn’t researched any of it!

Anyway.

He also had the bright idea to nap in the car before our orientation/workshop for school. And what happened? We ended up being late and he somehow got lost even though we were only a block away from school. THINK. Goodness!

The workshop was helpful, I mean… it wasn’t rocket science but it was pretty informative and indeed helpful. I love how most of the staff are actually students at the school, that makes me feel more at ease. We filled out and submitted our first assignment via student website and we printed out our syllabus (which was like, 17 pages long) and our first chapter of reading (which was like 23 pages long). Free printing, hell yes!

I’m pretty excited about this, I’m excited to finally get my GE done! I’m debating between Marketing or Web Design now, but I think I’ll stick with Marketing. School starts on Monday and I’m nervous but excited! Nervous because I don’t know how this whole “working teams” thing will work, I’m not good with working in teams. I like working alone. But I guess this is a great way to network. Me and Martin are just hoping that we’ll end up on the same working team.

So last night while we were in workshop, my nose was running. Like, non-stop and I was sneezing. Not that allergies-sneezing but that crap I’m sick sneezing. But it didn’t fully hit me til we were driving home. Thank goodness. I was thinking of taking some NyQuil before bed last night but I didn’t think I was sick enough to take it. So I didn’t. My nose and my left eye were running, all night long. It was horrible! I actually went to sleep a little passed midnight, which is 3 hours earlier than usual! I would had loved to curl up and fall asleep reading a book, but my OCD wasn’t permitting last night! Hopefully tonight, though I don’t want to read 3 books at the same time. We’ll see though.

I woke up this morning feeling even worse. I was congested, sniffling, throat was still dry and icky, I’m feeling a bit warm and getting some chills. I took a nap about 2hrs ago, I can’t decide if it made me feel better or worse! Goodness, and now I’m coughing! Ugh, I’d love some loving husband hugs and kisses right now. Who needs medicine when you can have loving hugs and kisses?!

It just sucks when I’m sick, husband cant be here. I’d rather be in the comfort of my own room – alone. And because of my OCD, he can’t be in my room. At all, right now. I was actually planning on cleaning my room this weekend before I had gotten sick, so now, its being pushed back, again. We could just chill downstairs, but I’d rather not because my parents are always down there talking and making noise and when I’m sick, I just don’t want to deal with that. My dad has been going crazy with his OCD tendencies lately and it’s been driving me nuts.

This is why I wish we lived on our own. Somewhere quiet, comfortable and somewhere I can be sick and have him be around. Without being bothered, without the random noise! I hate that we’re 24 and we still live at home. We’re married, 24 and still live separately with our own parents. I hate this, I hate this so much.

And I did! I officially enrolled last Tuesday the 16th and new student orientation was yesterday the 17th. And I thought that was it until school starts on Monday. Buuuut…. nope. There’s a workshop later tonight to prepare us for the first day of school. We also have a very important appointment in eight hours concerning Debt Consolidation (yes it is 3:02AM and yes I would love to go to bed now but my hair is wet). I’m nervous and excited and I’m hopeful. We really really need to figure out what we’re going to do, and hopefully this will help us in the way that we need help (you know, besides free money to pay bills cause we all know, that only happens in a perfect world).

So yes, this is why I havent updated about Valentines Day yet, which I want to and I finally got around to editing and uploading the pictures the other night but I havent had time to actually write out a post. But I will! As soon as I find enough time to.

I finally bought a domain for my beauty blog and I’m super excited about that. I put up a fresh new layout that still needs tweaking. I thought I figured out a code and I didnt, so I need to fix that soon. On my PC it looks awesome because the font is installed into my system but on everyone elses PC, not so much. So booo. So much for short cuts… I shoulda knew better. Booo for being lazy lol!

My eyes are fuzzy. I wonder how long before I decide to just sleep with my hair wet and deal with the headache in the morning. Which would suck, since I have to wake up early and I’m not a fan of waking up before 11AM.

CONVO OF THE WEEK:
Husband: *mumbling* you can do whatever you put your mind to.
Me: What?!?!
Husband: YOU. CAN. DO. WHATEVER. YOU. PUT. YOUR. MIND. TO!
Me: Oh… I thought you were talking shit again, but thanks.
Husband: …..you make my eyes burn.

For example, when my husband crashed my car cause he zoned out for a second. Sure, it could had been prevented. But it wasnt. It’s already happened. And for some odd, strange reason, it was meant to happen. So what was the use in getting upset? Yes its a hassle, its always a hassle to deal with things like that. And yes I was out of a car for a week. But being upset wasnt going to fix my car any faster. So what was the point. That would just be me, wasting my energy on something that I didnt need to waste it on.

The last two days have been depressing and left me feeling hopeless. I usually try not to write when I’m angry or sad, because that’s not how I want to be known. Because it isnt who I am, anymore. I do have my moments where I just feel like banging my head against the wall screaming “WHY WHY WHY” but you know, we all do. Right?! Feeling hopeless is inevitable. It’s bound to happen. The only thing I hate, about feeling hopeless… is that I start to loose sight. I start thinking that maybe my dreams arent worth chasing. And I know I’m just thinking that because I’m angry, not because I mean it.

I put myself in my situation. I didnt learn my lesson the last three times, and this is what it resulted in. In me, sitting here, feeling sorry for myself and hopeless. With a good pinch of anxiety. I dont know how I’m going to solve this problem, or how I’m going to get rid of it within the time limit I’ve given myself, and I dont know if I’ll ever figure it out. But I just have to have faith that I will, and when this hits again, I have to reassure myself that my dreams are worth chasing, because in the end, when all of this is done and over with… I’ll come out stronger, wiser and hopefully making better decisions.

And what good would my life be, if I dont reach my dreams? If I dont even attempt to reach them? What would my life be worth? Nothing. And I’m determined not make my life worth something.