But, I don’t know. I hate touching up my makeup, I hate having to check if my eye shadow or my liner has smudged yet and I hate that I push my husband away when he rubs my face/kisses me because I’m scared he’s messing up my makeup.

He loves me without all that crap on my face. He loves the face that he wakes up and falls asleep to. And isn’t that what everyone is searching for? Someone to love them when they’re the most exposed? So why am I so worried about looking like that when I have someone who loves me the most when I look like this? Someone who loves that I don’t spend hours trying to find the perfect thing to wear, that I’m the most adorable in a hoodie and jeans.

I have never really been happy with the way I look. I thought makeup would fix that, and it didn’t really do for me what I thought it would. I do like wearing makeup because I love colors, but it didn’t hide the things that I wanted hidden. But what is it exactly that I’m trying to hide?

No, it was never my appearance  that bothered me. It was me that bothered me. The me that only I know, the me I see when I look in the mirror. The me that I’m going to spend my whole life trying to figure out and fix. The me that only he knows, and the me that still loves despite it’s flaws and damages.

So, in 2012, I’ll try to love and accept myself, just a little bit more. Because I think I need to.

I guess it’s because now I’m older. I’m not just receiving gifts, but I’m expected to give them too. It’s different when you’re a kid, all your time is consumed with enjoying every bit of Christmas. Every thing from when the tree goes up to the usual yearly television programs to shaking the boxes under the tree with your name on it and trying to figure out what it is.

I honestly don’t remember when was the last time I shook a box under the tree.

I think my Christmas joy was left behind along with it.

Now that I’m older, I can’t really fully enjoy Christmas and it sucks. I have things to worry about like getting gifts, cleaning the room, bills and homework. My winter break starts today. And I guess I should be thankful, some people don’t start til Friday and that must really suck. I’ve been so busy the whole month of December trying to keep my grades up and with all the fuss at home that I didn’t really get to enjoy much of December. Then again, it’s been awhile since I did. Last year I was busy with moving across the country and the year before that was spent worrying about my wedding. I’m hoping I’ll get to enjoy every month as they come in 2012.

I finally wrapped all the gifts and used up pretty much my whole roll of wrapping paper. Which is shocking since I only wrapped gifts for the family and for one friend. And it’s not like I suck at wrapping and wasted a bunch of paper or anything either. But it kinda just sucks, husband and I spent a lot on gifts and we’re not really expecting anything this year.

Another thing that sucks about growing up? Everything you want is pretty much over $100. But we figure when we get some money, we’ll wrap gifts, put them under the tree and have our own private version of “Christmas”. He’s a little upset I don’t have anything to unwrap this year and he spent all his money on his family (he has a HUGE family, I’m lucky I don’t). He did get me one thing, but according to him, pulling something out of a gift bag doesn’t count. I don’t mind too much, but I know he minds, a lot. One Christmas he even went as far as wrapping a Christmas card he got me, just so I had something to unwrap. He’s so silly, but it’s cute that he smallest things mean a lot of him.

It’s almost 3am, again. I told myself I wouldn’t sleep so late anymore. But I really want to start Lola and the Boy Next Door by Stephanie Perkins. My reading has sucked this month too, which is really, really upsetting.

Husband is watching Good Will Hunting. I’ve never seen it but every time he watches a movie, I get distracted. And he’s been watching movies all. week. long. So I’m hoping I don’t lose my train of thought… then again I don’t really have one right now, whoo!

Today was spent eating Todai (oh how it’s gone downhill), running around the mall and B&N to find things for my Spooky Swap partner. I hope she likes the things I got her, the candy part was a bit frustrating since everything I thought of was things she didn’t want. Other than that, nothing else too interesting happened.

My husband thought it would be a good idea to put Boq’s cardboard tube into his wheel last night… which caused him to hop around. I didn’t know he was scared of it! And after husband finally took it out of his wheel, he slept in his wheel the rest of the night. Poor Boq, dummy husband! We also discovered the secrets to poaching an egg last night. Just a thought… toast doesn’t substitute english muffins as good as you’d think.

Lately I’ve been incredibly addicted to Wendy’s baked potatoes. Yum.

I ended up breaking down at the mall yesterday, and I hate crying in public. I hate when people even just glance in my direction. It makes me want to punch faces. Everything is just so… hard and frustrating right now and it’s one of those times when I wish life would just come with answers. But it’s me we’re talking about, when am I not struggling with something. I should be use to this by now, and maybe sometimes I am, maybe it’s why I’m sitting here today with a smile on my face even though just yesterday I felt like exploding.

My husband. My dear darling husband.

He wasn’t as understanding as he usually is yesterday, he was stressed out himself and he doesn’t talk much of his feelings so I had no idea why he felt the way he felt until we talked about it last night. In fact, we spent 3 hours talking about it. Which really isn’t that new, for some reason we talk best after 10PM. He was telling me what he’s been stressing about lately and what he’s been struggling with lately as well. Something I don’t really like talking about because it scares me. It’s nothing bad, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway if I told you.

We talked a bit about my OCD. I was saying how I’m not strong enough right now to fight it. Stress makes it worse and right now with all I’m stressing about, there’s no way I’d be able to control my OCD when my mind is in a million other directions. He says that maybe I just don’t want to get rid of it. I can’t deny, maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just so use to it by now that I don’t mind it. When I should. Obviously in the last 6 years I wasn’t “ready” to fight it either, so what about 6 years from now? Will I still not be “ready”? What about 10 years from now? Will my husband and children have to tip toe around mommy’s OCD? I want a normal life, or at least, what normal life I had before OCD (reminds of this Wicked line: “She’s stripped the munchkins of our rights! And we didn’t have that many to begin with!”).

I hate that he has to suffer with me, in his own way. I hate that he can’t come in my room because of my OCD, I hate that I can’t be the person he fell in love with because my OCD took over. I hate that when we’re on vacation I give him restrictions. Or I get grumpy when he does something slightly “wrong”. He knew the problem with my hands was eczema. I didn’t know it. I had hopes that it wasn’t and it was just something that would go away eventually. But it’s not, its eczema. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hopeless before. The dry itches on my hands won’t ever go away. I’m going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Right now, I have scabs all over my fingers from scratching them in my sleep. And it’s because of my OCD. I wish I could had controlled it more before damaging my hands…

I love him for being so understanding and patient. I love him for finding out that long tight hugs make anxiety go away faster on the days when I feel like my heart is going to explode from anxiety. I love that even though he hates my OCD, it doesn’t stop him from trying to help me get better. I love that he supports me, through anything and everything. I lovelovelove that he encourages and pushes me to write and read everyday. That when I get too lazy to do my blogging assignments, he’ll turn off the tv and make me write my assignments because he knows this is what I want to do. I love that he tries to make me smile and laugh when I’m crying my eyes out. Even if it means that when I laugh I spit snot at him. I love that he listens to me when I tell him my wishlist when it comes to books or makeup. I love that on the days when I’m reading a book he always wants me to read to him, even if he has no idea what the book is about or anything. Just so he could be doing something with me.

In a week or a month or a year or even in a few years of nothing but struggles and stress, he makes everything better. It doesn’t matter what life throws at us anymore, as long as I have him I know I’ll be okay. I couldn’t ask for a more amazing, loving and selfless person to spend my life with. I just wish I could be as selfless as he is and support him the way he supports me. But I’m thankful that he loves me for what I can give him even if it’s not as much as he gives me.

I love you dope friend, we’ll be okay. Cause you know… life can’t suck forever right? :)