Singing “Mixed Tape” by Jacks Mannequin ALWAYS puts me in a better mood.
I had one of those reality slaps.
You know, if I never got into makeup… I would had been able to upgrade my phone, get the camera I wanted and upgraded my SideKick a year early. Not to mention I wouldnt be trying to come up with ways to get 358/2 days.
My room use to be STACKED with video games, DVD’s and books. At one point of my life, I knew everything you had to know about being a White Mage on FFXI. I knew what foods did what, I knew how to make them, I knew where to farm the things I needed… and I liked that I knew all that. When I really really like something, I like knowing EVERYTHING about it. I knew a lot about Kingdom Hearts, I knew about the spin off’s when they were first announced and I followed anything that would give me more information about it. And I enjoyed knowing so much about video games. I never call myself a gamer (cause I think gamers are idiots) but I did know more than I probably should had about video games. I would never leave the mall without at LEAST 2 games of SVC Chaos with Martin. I spent nights playing Guilty Gear and at one point, Tekken. I use to be pretty decent at Soul Calibur. And I’m not gonna lie, I’ve ALWAYS sucked at Smash. Btw, Marth > Falco.
And now, I look around and all I see is… makeup. Everywhere. I look at my inbox and I have makeup related emails. I spend my time looking up makeup, watching it on youtube, blogging about it, buying it, reviewing it. I went to the mall the other day just to go to MAC and leave.
WHO DOES THAT? Seriously. Why would someone who doesnt even LIKE makeup, invest so much time and money into something they never really had an interest for?
The people who know me question it, Martin questions it, and honestly, I spend a lot of time questioning it myself. I do enjoy the things I do like, I do like playing with the different colors and I like the yummy tasting lipglosses. I like learning about it. But I’m no artist, I cant even line my eyes right and I’ve been doing this since November of last year. I’m more aware of how imperfect my skin and my face and my eyes and my lips are. And I never use to care about how imperfect my face was. I never use to care if my dry spots flared up, I never use to care that my lips are pigmented and now I do because I cant wear nude lipsticks. Now I care because blush never looks right on me. But why. Why do I care? I like the way I look with makeup, but I think I look SO much better without it.
I cant shake this stupid obsession.
I just realized yesterday, when was the last time I looked at FOOD? When was the last time I spent all my time online on flickr looking at food? When was the last time I picked going to a restaurant over discovering a CCO or an Ulta? When was the last time I went to Bubba Gumps over the MAC Pro Store?
I wanna go back to spending all my time playing Sims and FFXI. When the main thing on my mind was beating Kingdom Hearts and not when the next MAC collection is coming out. I miss playing games with Martin, I miss doing guy things. I miss not taking an hour to get ready to go out. I miss walking out of the house thinking “hm, my hair looks messed up. Oh well!” and throw on a hat and call it a day. I miss my bandanna’s, my hats, my big shirts and my baggy jeans. I miss rockin Martin’s clothes better than he can!
I’m aware. Very aware of my actions. But being aware of something and doing something to fix it are two completely different things.
Dont get me wrong, I do love makeup and I do love learning about it, but I hate watching myself put it on and the only thing I can think of is “this isnt me”.
Babes, thank you for putting up with this for all these months. I know you dont get it and I know you dont think I need it, but thank you for always offering me your hand to fill up with swatches of eyeshadow and sticky lipgloss. Thanks for listening for hours on end about what brand I like and dont like and why. Thank you for trying your hardest to remember my favorite products. Thank you for never letting me leave Macy’s and the CCO without my Peace Of Mind and thank you for putting it on with me. I know you dont like it when I spend a lot of money, but thank you. For understanding. iLy.
Btw, my Axel will scrape your Marluxia on 358/2. Neeeeeeega!
