Things are hectic… and strange

by zel

I just signed up for classes at the community college last night. I’m taking 2 classes there (one of which is at 10am, ugh); a Flash class (husband’s) and a Humanities class (mine). I wasn’t able to get English online or Spanish online so that sucks. I really want to take English 122 over and take a foreign language class. Not to mention my class at UoP. So I have 3 classes, and 2 different school. I know, crazy right? But I’m trying to stay busy and the more credits I get from the community college, the more I can transfer to UoP and knock out some classes. I pushed my grad date back because I took the 8 months off for Disney. Ahhh.

UoP is driving me insane. My learning team sucks, it’s always just me and this other girl who is doing all the talking and doing all the stuff for the paper. The other 3 people take turns disappearing off the face of the planet or they respond like half an hour before the paper is due. Gee, thanks guys. The teacher blows too. She never responds to you and she’s skipped over my discussion question points several times. Seriously? You see all the responses from people, how do you not see WHAT they’re responding to!? ARGH. Fuckin… argh.

Last week was pretty hectic. A lot of stuff happened that I don’t really feel like talking about here. But it’s changed some things, in a good way. I wish I could talk about it, but I’m very protective over the subject and it’s not like anyone would understand either.

I guess I don’t like being here in CA because everyone knows who I am, not who I am, but certain personal things about me. But only because I grew up here and people know my family type thing. I guess I liked it better in FL cause I could be anyone, with any sort of past or no past at all and no one would know the difference. Sometimes life’s just better pretending.

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Day of Thanks ♥

by zel

It’s that time of the year again, the day that officially starts the holidays!

Thanksgiving

My brother is downstairs cooking up amazing food (that I snuck some of upstairs — hey I got hungry), the fireplace is lit, Baby J is trotting around making clicking sounds with his toenails across the kitchen floor following anyone who goes near the food around. The only thing missing? Meez. The first Thanksgiving without her and even right now she would either be sitting on her butt taking a cat nap or laying in her catnip bed, the house still sounds that much more quiet. Feels that much more empty without her here. It’s still a little hard getting use to the fact that I won’t bump into her, or that she won’t scare the crap out of me at 3AM when I have to go pee, or that I’ll never see her pretty face again… and as much as we all miss her, we’re thankful for the seven other holidays she got to spend with us (even if she was a grumpy brat half the time).

This year has been amazing (despite losing my babygirl). Probably the most amazing year I’ve ever had. And there is so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for the chance to work my dream job and embark on an amazing adventure with an amazing company
I’m thankful for the experiences I had in Florida (both good and bad)
I’m thankful for the real friends I made in Florida, I miss you guys so much
I’m thankful for my adorable and amazing husband who takes care of me with a smile on his face no matter how I’m feeling or who I am that day
I’m thankful for my parents, they have a weird way of showing they are, but it’s nice to know they do
I know I don’t say this ever, but lately I’ve been thankful for my brother. I know we haven’t been in each others lives in a long time but he’s still my not-so-baby bro
I’m thankful for my Baby J for still being my sunshine after the rain
I’m thankful for Meez, cuddling with a cat when you’re sad is a whole different feeling, I miss so much
I’m thankful for Boq for keeping me company for the last two years when I needed company the most, sleep well little one
I’m thankful for the handful of real and fiercely supportive friends I have here in Cali, you guys mean the world to me (you don’t meet your real friends in college, you meet them in middle school)
I’m thankful for making Amazon Vine
I’m thankful for my YouTube partnership
I’m thankful for making Yelp Elite
I’m thankful that all my hard work paid off this year
I’m thankful for books, you are my first love
I’m thankful for the freedom to blog about all the things I love
I’m thankful for Spotify, legit
I’m thankful for Starbucks, there’s a holiday/spring comfort that only Starbucks provides
I’m thankful for Disney, for encouraging me to chase my dream
I’m thankful for Dyno (I guess that would go under Cali friends too) for also being an inspiration to chase my dream
I’m thankful for space heaters, because if mine wasn’t on right now I’d be freezing
I’m thankful for glitter, cause I mean… why not?
I’m thankful for music, for getting my creative juices flowing, always
I’m thankful for all the fucked up shit I had to go through in life to get where I am today, because without it I wouldn’t be as awesome I am now (: but really, without it I wouldn’t know how to live my life to its utter fullest
I’m thankful for my debt, because of it I had to freeze all my credit cards and living credit card free is a different kind of free
I’m thankful for video games, they really help when I’m angry or can’t sleep
I’m thankful for my insomnia, I come up with the best ideas when I’m both awake and tired
I’m thankful for my Canon PowerShot S90, we had some good times and talks around Disney World
I’m thankful for Cherry Pepsi and Dr. Pepper, ten years strong!
I’m thankful for Florida STORMS because Cali doesn’t give me the storms I want like you do
I’m thankful for Palmers Coco Butter and Philosophy’s Hope In a Jar for helping ease my eczema in this dry cold weather
I’m thankful for blogs and bloggers, it’s nice to know other people are into your hobbies too and you’re not alone
I am thankful for Vinylmations and pins (:
I am thankful for towels, cause you know, what would you do without them?! (:
I am thankful for Fruit Roll Ups, because I’m totally craving one right now
I am thankful for candles and the ease they provide
I am thankful for hair curlers, they make my blonde look even better!
I am thankful for KFC’s new Famous Bowls with bacon (I had to)
I’m thankful for Twitter, it encourages me to take more pictures to Twitpic with
I’m thankful for everything in life, big or small because it’s made me who I am today

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope you all have a day filled with amazing food and a lot of love.

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Retracing every step you made

by zel

This is morning, that’s when I spend the most time, thinkin bout what I’ve given up…

SPiNNiNG: Mixed Tape by Jacks Mannequin <3

Growing up isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Decisions become more difficult, things aren’t black or white like when you were younger. Growing up sometimes means letting go of things that you know you’ve been holding on for far too long, for all the wrong reasons and finding the strength to say goodbye. To close that chapter of your life, even if you don’t want to.

A friend (and ex boyfriend) of mine had this little inside thing. And I don’t really know about him, but this inside thing meant the world to me. And even if it was kinda silly and stupid, it was one of those things that only the two of you got (like an inside joke without the joke). And back when it first happened, it was probably the most epic thing a boy has ever said to me and it was completely out of blue especially since at the time we weren’t even together. But we were always kinda on an off and half way when we were younger. Which kind of makes it weird that now that we’re all grown up, we’re still really close. But maybe that’s why too?

Speaking of, now that we’re grown up… I knew he wanted this thing back and I was hesitant to give it back because it was one of those “uh no, you gave this to me, MINE back off bitch!” kind of things. But I guess I selfishly kept it, even though it was given to me. And I guess I just hated the idea of him giving it to someone else. Made me feel less important and more of just a memory of his past. But I guess that’s kinda selfish since I’m married, isn’t it? It sounds worse than it is, trust me. But at least I’m being honest. Yes, I hate(d) the idea of him giving it to someone else and forgetting about me. But that’s just life. Things don’t always go down the path that you created for it. And because of that, you should probably close the chapter.

I admit, I was hoping he would say something besides being excited. But we’re not kids, winter doesn’t make him think of me anymore and he’s not in love with me anymore. And I guess by holding on to this thing, it was like my denial object. No one likes knowing that someone who means a lot to you doesn’t feel the way about you like they did, even if it was years ago. No one wants that confirmation.

“What” and “If” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.

Ain’t that the truth?

Time has passed, we’ve grown, we’ve changed. I know you’ll always have my back and that’s more than I can even ask of you at this point. I won’t sit here and wonder what if because of the choices we made we’re where we are with each other now. Still amazing friends who are (mostly) honest with each other. Thank you for the open invitation into your confusing and complex mind, and you know you’re always invited to mine. Enjoy your gift back from me. We had fun while it lasted. Thank you, for being you.

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Protected: Drowsy afternoons — I need a nap.

by zel

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You know the rain won’t last forever…

by zel

I try to stay positive online. I try to keep my blog entries positive, my tweets, everything. I spend a lot of time online and as long as I appear to be positive, I can be.

I use to be one of those people who’d constantly be angry and sad or irritated at something, anything and I just don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to seem anything like that person anymore because I don’t believe I am that person.

I’ve let go of a lot of things in my past that has kept me down. I’ve forced myself to forget a lot of things that make me angry or sad. I’ve stopped wondering why that happened to me because sitting here being upset or sad over something that’s already happened is pointless. Something that I know the people who have done to me won’t give me an answer to because they’ve forgotten that they’ve hurt me. So why should I spend all my time worried about it? There are some things in life that just happen. The most you can do about it is take what has happened to you and turn it into an experience. Learn something from it. Grow stronger from it.

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