UoP is driving me insane. My learning team sucks, it’s always just me and this other girl who is doing all the talking and doing all the stuff for the paper. The other 3 people take turns disappearing off the face of the planet or they respond like half an hour before the paper is due. Gee, thanks guys. The teacher blows too. She never responds to you and she’s skipped over my discussion question points several times. Seriously? You see all the responses from people, how do you not see WHAT they’re responding to!? ARGH. Fuckin… argh.

Last week was pretty hectic. A lot of stuff happened that I don’t really feel like talking about here. But it’s changed some things, in a good way. I wish I could talk about it, but I’m very protective over the subject and it’s not like anyone would understand either.

I guess I don’t like being here in CA because everyone knows who I am, not who I am, but certain personal things about me. But only because I grew up here and people know my family type thing. I guess I liked it better in FL cause I could be anyone, with any sort of past or no past at all and no one would know the difference. Sometimes life’s just better pretending.

Thanksgiving

My brother is downstairs cooking up amazing food (that I snuck some of upstairs — hey I got hungry), the fireplace is lit, Baby J is trotting around making clicking sounds with his toenails across the kitchen floor following anyone who goes near the food around. The only thing missing? Meez. The first Thanksgiving without her and even right now she would either be sitting on her butt taking a cat nap or laying in her catnip bed, the house still sounds that much more quiet. Feels that much more empty without her here. It’s still a little hard getting use to the fact that I won’t bump into her, or that she won’t scare the crap out of me at 3AM when I have to go pee, or that I’ll never see her pretty face again… and as much as we all miss her, we’re thankful for the seven other holidays she got to spend with us (even if she was a grumpy brat half the time).

This year has been amazing (despite losing my babygirl). Probably the most amazing year I’ve ever had. And there is so much to be thankful for.

• I am thankful for the chance to work my dream job and embark on an amazing adventure with an amazing company
• I’m thankful for the experiences I had in Florida (both good and bad)
• I’m thankful for the real friends I made in Florida, I miss you guys so much
• I’m thankful for my adorable and amazing husband who takes care of me with a smile on his face no matter how I’m feeling or who I am that day
• I’m thankful for my parents, they have a weird way of showing they are, but it’s nice to know they do
• I know I don’t say this ever, but lately I’ve been thankful for my brother. I know we haven’t been in each others lives in a long time but he’s still my not-so-baby bro
• I’m thankful for my Baby J for still being my sunshine after the rain
• I’m thankful for Meez, cuddling with a cat when you’re sad is a whole different feeling, I miss so much
• I’m thankful for Boq for keeping me company for the last two years when I needed company the most, sleep well little one
• I’m thankful for the handful of real and fiercely supportive friends I have here in Cali, you guys mean the world to me (you don’t meet your real friends in college, you meet them in middle school)
• I’m thankful for making Amazon Vine
• I’m thankful for my YouTube partnership
• I’m thankful for making Yelp Elite
• I’m thankful that all my hard work paid off this year
• I’m thankful for books, you are my first love
• I’m thankful for the freedom to blog about all the things I love
• I’m thankful for Spotify, legit
• I’m thankful for Starbucks, there’s a holiday/spring comfort that only Starbucks provides
• I’m thankful for Disney, for encouraging me to chase my dream
• I’m thankful for Dyno (I guess that would go under Cali friends too) for also being an inspiration to chase my dream
• I’m thankful for space heaters, because if mine wasn’t on right now I’d be freezing
• I’m thankful for glitter, cause I mean… why not?
• I’m thankful for music, for getting my creative juices flowing, always
• I’m thankful for all the fucked up shit I had to go through in life to get where I am today, because without it I wouldn’t be as awesome I am now (: but really, without it I wouldn’t know how to live my life to its utter fullest
• I’m thankful for my debt, because of it I had to freeze all my credit cards and living credit card free is a different kind of free
• I’m thankful for video games, they really help when I’m angry or can’t sleep
• I’m thankful for my insomnia, I come up with the best ideas when I’m both awake and tired
• I’m thankful for my Canon PowerShot S90, we had some good times and talks around Disney World
• I’m thankful for Cherry Pepsi and Dr. Pepper, ten years strong!
• I’m thankful for Florida STORMS because Cali doesn’t give me the storms I want like you do
• I’m thankful for Palmers Coco Butter and Philosophy’s Hope In a Jar for helping ease my eczema in this dry cold weather
• I’m thankful for blogs and bloggers, it’s nice to know other people are into your hobbies too and you’re not alone
• I am thankful for Vinylmations and pins (:
• I am thankful for towels, cause you know, what would you do without them?! (:
• I am thankful for Fruit Roll Ups, because I’m totally craving one right now
• I am thankful for candles and the ease they provide
• I am thankful for hair curlers, they make my blonde look even better!
• I am thankful for KFC’s new Famous Bowls with bacon (I had to)
• I’m thankful for Twitter, it encourages me to take more pictures to Twitpic with
• I’m thankful for everything in life, big or small because it’s made me who I am today

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope you all have a day filled with amazing food and a lot of love.

SPiNNiNG: Mixed Tape by Jacks Mannequin <3

Growing up isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Decisions become more difficult, things aren’t black or white like when you were younger. Growing up sometimes means letting go of things that you know you’ve been holding on for far too long, for all the wrong reasons and finding the strength to say goodbye. To close that chapter of your life, even if you don’t want to.

A friend (and ex boyfriend) of mine had this little inside thing. And I don’t really know about him, but this inside thing meant the world to me. And even if it was kinda silly and stupid, it was one of those things that only the two of you got (like an inside joke without the joke). And back when it first happened, it was probably the most epic thing a boy has ever said to me and it was completely out of blue especially since at the time we weren’t even together. But we were always kinda on an off and half way when we were younger. Which kind of makes it weird that now that we’re all grown up, we’re still really close. But maybe that’s why too?

Speaking of, now that we’re grown up… I knew he wanted this thing back and I was hesitant to give it back because it was one of those “uh no, you gave this to me, MINE back off bitch!” kind of things. But I guess I selfishly kept it, even though it was given to me. And I guess I just hated the idea of him giving it to someone else. Made me feel less important and more of just a memory of his past. But I guess that’s kinda selfish since I’m married, isn’t it? It sounds worse than it is, trust me. But at least I’m being honest. Yes, I hate(d) the idea of him giving it to someone else and forgetting about me. But that’s just life. Things don’t always go down the path that you created for it. And because of that, you should probably close the chapter.

I admit, I was hoping he would say something besides being excited. But we’re not kids, winter doesn’t make him think of me anymore and he’s not in love with me anymore. And I guess by holding on to this thing, it was like my denial object. No one likes knowing that someone who means a lot to you doesn’t feel the way about you like they did, even if it was years ago. No one wants that confirmation.

“What” and “If” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.

Ain’t that the truth?

Time has passed, we’ve grown, we’ve changed. I know you’ll always have my back and that’s more than I can even ask of you at this point. I won’t sit here and wonder what if because of the choices we made we’re where we are with each other now. Still amazing friends who are (mostly) honest with each other. Thank you for the open invitation into your confusing and complex mind, and you know you’re always invited to mine. Enjoy your gift back from me. We had fun while it lasted. Thank you, for being you.

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I use to be one of those people who’d constantly be angry and sad or irritated at something, anything and I just don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to seem anything like that person anymore because I don’t believe I am that person.

I’ve let go of a lot of things in my past that has kept me down. I’ve forced myself to forget a lot of things that make me angry or sad. I’ve stopped wondering why that happened to me because sitting here being upset or sad over something that’s already happened is pointless. Something that I know the people who have done to me won’t give me an answer to because they’ve forgotten that they’ve hurt me. So why should I spend all my time worried about it? There are some things in life that just happen. The most you can do about it is take what has happened to you and turn it into an experience. Learn something from it. Grow stronger from it.

With that said, I do try to be bubbly and happy and positive. But sometimes, stress just gets to me. It creeps up and bites me when I least expect it and I take it out on the people around me. And in the last few months, I haven’t been as positive or as happy as I could be. I know I’ve been snapping at my husband a lot more, I’ve been throwing tantrums and I’ve been grumpy. And I hate that I have been. I hate being stressed out. I hate the headaches and migraines. I hate the anxiety and I hate getting sick from how stressed out I’ve been.

I feel like all the weight is on me. And maybe because it is. I’m the one who has to figure out a way out of this situation. I’ve given in to the thought of Debt Consolidation because I can not go on with this struggle on my own. When your minimum payments hit well over $300 for just one credit card, that’s when you realize you’re swimming a pool of doom. My mom wasn’t too happy about this idea, I suppose and having to deal with her about it was not helping my stress. I am not in favor of the idea of bankruptcy.

My brother always hated that I never looked at the bigger picture when I was younger. I always focused on right now. What would be a great solution for right now. And it would always bite me in the ass later. I feel like my husband and my mother aren’t looking at the bigger picture. I think bankruptcy would have the ability to screw us over in the long run. Not to mention that filing for bankruptcy means giving up the chance to join the military and that is not what I intend to do.

I’m the type of person who’s always looking for new experiences. For new hobbies. New interests. New things. I like flipping my life upside down, inside out and spinning it around. I get bored of things too quickly and I always want something new. Maybe that’s why I stick to paid blogging even though it’s not going where I want it to go or as quick as I want it to because finding these new blogs, communities and companies is new. It’s new without being brand new but its enough to curb my urge for something new. Does that make sense?

Okay I got totally side tracked, Nicolas finally added a fan photo page and 3 of my pictures are up there, yay! See here. Which reminds me to get his fan page up that I’ve been on and off working on since…. November lol.

There was a song that a friend of mine suggested when I was down one day… I can’t remember the name, lets hope its on my itunes… its this song Hope – Rain Don’t Last. And this song always makes me feel better when I’m having a hard time trying to figure out why things are the way they are. Even though I think I have a pretty good hold on being positive, some days are just harder than others. Just like with OCD, some days are better and easier than others… but life isn’t perfect and there’s no way that in this life or in the previous or in the next that we’ll have all perfect days.

I know things right now are hard, things will always be hard. That’s the beauty of life, it’s hard. It’s challenging. It pushes you. It’s up to you to push back. And even though right now I can’t see a light at the end of this very long and dark tunnel, I know there is one. It’s just up to me to find it. And I know I will, with time.

When you think about giving up, think of why you’ve held on for so long.

Where I’m suppose to be, where I want to be, who I want to be, who I’m suppose to be…. I look back on everything and everything behind me is either blank or a mess. I never pictured my life to turn out this way. I never pictured to be 24, still living at home with no job, no career, no degree and a crazy amount of debt. Oh and married. Never pictured I’d be married.

Then again, at 16 all I could imagine was how wonderful it would be to just end it all. How free I’d feel to finally leave this toxic world behind.

So I guess, I really had no plan. Unless to not live anymore is considered a plan.

When I was graduating high school, I knew what I wanted to be. Plain and simple. A pastry chef. My whole life I was always amazed by food, by cute pastries and pretty designs on cakes. I’ve been collecting cook books since I was a child and I’d flip through the pages and pretend I made what was on those pages. And when I graduated high school and enrolled myself into culinary school with no second thought about it… I thought my dreams were finally going to come true.

But they didn’t. And this, my friends, is life.

I did well while in culinary school. I had never baked anything that wasn’t instant in my life prior. I would actually wake up at 4AM, grab a Cafe Mocha with 3 shots of caramel and a doughnut ball pyramid drizzled in chocolate sauce from Starbucks every morning (thank the God’s there was a Starbucks downstairs), get to class chanting what the fuck am I doing here, I can’t do this, I can’t do this the rest of the day. And at the end of the day, I would get an A on every single cake I made. And there was my loving boyfriend, who didn’t really get why I was there but he would wake up some days at 4AM with me, fall asleep at Starbucks and make sure to wake up during my lunch then back to Starbucks when I was back in class. And though he didn’t get it, he supported me through it. He tried all of my cakes and he encouraged me to keep going. And without that, I don’t think I would had made it as far as I did.

But that was five years ago. And I still can’t believe it’s been that long. And he still doesn’t think I was meant to be a chef in this life (in the nicest way possible of course) but he strongly believes I was meant to be a journalist. Every time I tell him I’m going to change my major (from Accounting, to Psychology, to Business, to Oceanology, to History to Web Design… I’ve changed my majors a lot) he gives me this look and he goes off talking about how wonderful my writing is and how I should write. I should quit wasting time with things that I know I won’t be good at (in the nicest way possible) and just go with what I obviously have talent in – writing.

And yes, I could do that and yes I do want to do that… but I feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions. There’s so much I want to learn, to do. And I feel like I don’t have much time to do any of it. I want to own a cupcakery one day. I want to work with live theater (I want to be in live theater but let’s face it, there’s no way I can convince you that I’m made for it in this lifetime, sadly lol), I want to be a journalist. I want to be in business. I want to own my own business, wait I guess that goes under cupcakery doesn’t it… I want to be a photographer. I want to live in Nevada and Washington and Alaska and Italy and New York…! I want to write for a food magazine. I want to excel in something, anything and be known for it. I want to be a psychologist. I want to change peoples lives who suffer from OCD. I want to make a difference.

And I don’t know where I should go. Or what I should do. I’m hoping that the next two years I’m going to spend (finally) getting my GE done will give me time to think things through, to come up with a destination.

The only disappointment about this is that, I’m turning 25 this year and I told myself I’d get my degree by 25 and I did try, and it just didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. I shouldn’t be too upset right? Life doesn’t really start until you’re 30 anyway, I don’t see why I’m so hell bent on making a life for myself before 30.

But this is life. It’s not perfect. It’s not what you’ve always dreamed of. And it certainly does not go the way you’ve planned, most of the time. The most you can do, is make what you can with what you’re getting. Because everything that does happen in your life. Happens for a reason. You may not get what the reason is right now, but some day, it’ll all make sense.

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I was checking out some other domain companies because the one I’m currently with SUCKS ASS. Their customer service is horrible, you have to go through a million and one folders to get where you need to go, and its such a headache. But at the same time, it disappoints me because the me before woulda been like “Oh YES! Finally a challenge!” and the me now is like “fuuuuuuuuck that!” *sigh*.

Which brings me to another point…

My life changed in 2004, in so many ways I lost count. Like, literally. I hate when people tell me “well at least you have a boyfriend” because I KNOW I work so much better at life WITHOUT one. I do appreciate everything Martin encourages me to do, everything he tries to help me with, everything he learns JUST FOR ME so he can help me and ease my stress. But its so hard for me to deal with that. Its so hard for me to accept someone’s help. I’m so use to learning things on my own, to doing things on my own. And you’d think after FIVE YEARS I would change. But I havent. I love that he wants to help me, but its just not the way I work, and I know that.

I miss the me who’d sit here and would design and code literally ALL day and ALL night long. And enjoy every single minute of it. I miss the me who’d take on learning new programs because “I had to”. I miss the me who was MOTIVATED enough to do SOMETHING. Who believed she can do ANYTHING at all. I lost that, somewhere. And I cant seem to find it. I cant even find the motivation to blog once a day like I use to. I dont do ANYTHING these days. Nothing that I use to LOVE doing. And it really fuckin upsets me. And I write about this year after year. I make the same resolutions, year after year and year after year I disappoint myself.

Why?

Something’s been bothering me lately. Something beyond my control. Something that makes me anxious and worried. Something that shouldnt. Something that has to do with a silly fear I cant get over. Something that will stop me from meeting my deadline.

I’m at my breaking point. I’m at my fork in the road. I wished to turn my life around and here it fuckin is. I know what I HAVE to do, but why do I feel so unsure?