I ended up breaking down at the mall yesterday, and I hate crying in public. I hate when people even just glance in my direction. It makes me want to punch faces. Everything is just so… hard and frustrating right now and it’s one of those times when I wish life would just come with answers. But it’s me we’re talking about, when am I not struggling with something. I should be use to this by now, and maybe sometimes I am, maybe it’s why I’m sitting here today with a smile on my face even though just yesterday I felt like exploding.

My husband. My dear darling husband.

He wasn’t as understanding as he usually is yesterday, he was stressed out himself and he doesn’t talk much of his feelings so I had no idea why he felt the way he felt until we talked about it last night. In fact, we spent 3 hours talking about it. Which really isn’t that new, for some reason we talk best after 10PM. He was telling me what he’s been stressing about lately and what he’s been struggling with lately as well. Something I don’t really like talking about because it scares me. It’s nothing bad, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway if I told you.

We talked a bit about my OCD. I was saying how I’m not strong enough right now to fight it. Stress makes it worse and right now with all I’m stressing about, there’s no way I’d be able to control my OCD when my mind is in a million other directions. He says that maybe I just don’t want to get rid of it. I can’t deny, maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just so use to it by now that I don’t mind it. When I should. Obviously in the last 6 years I wasn’t “ready” to fight it either, so what about 6 years from now? Will I still not be “ready”? What about 10 years from now? Will my husband and children have to tip toe around mommy’s OCD? I want a normal life, or at least, what normal life I had before OCD (reminds of this Wicked line: “She’s stripped the munchkins of our rights! And we didn’t have that many to begin with!”).

I hate that he has to suffer with me, in his own way. I hate that he can’t come in my room because of my OCD, I hate that I can’t be the person he fell in love with because my OCD took over. I hate that when we’re on vacation I give him restrictions. Or I get grumpy when he does something slightly “wrong”. He knew the problem with my hands was eczema. I didn’t know it. I had hopes that it wasn’t and it was just something that would go away eventually. But it’s not, its eczema. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hopeless before. The dry itches on my hands won’t ever go away. I’m going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Right now, I have scabs all over my fingers from scratching them in my sleep. And it’s because of my OCD. I wish I could had controlled it more before damaging my hands…

I love him for being so understanding and patient. I love him for finding out that long tight hugs make anxiety go away faster on the days when I feel like my heart is going to explode from anxiety. I love that even though he hates my OCD, it doesn’t stop him from trying to help me get better. I love that he supports me, through anything and everything. I lovelovelove that he encourages and pushes me to write and read everyday. That when I get too lazy to do my blogging assignments, he’ll turn off the tv and make me write my assignments because he knows this is what I want to do. I love that he tries to make me smile and laugh when I’m crying my eyes out. Even if it means that when I laugh I spit snot at him. I love that he listens to me when I tell him my wishlist when it comes to books or makeup. I love that on the days when I’m reading a book he always wants me to read to him, even if he has no idea what the book is about or anything. Just so he could be doing something with me.

In a week or a month or a year or even in a few years of nothing but struggles and stress, he makes everything better. It doesn’t matter what life throws at us anymore, as long as I have him I know I’ll be okay. I couldn’t ask for a more amazing, loving and selfless person to spend my life with. I just wish I could be as selfless as he is and support him the way he supports me. But I’m thankful that he loves me for what I can give him even if it’s not as much as he gives me.

I love you dope friend, we’ll be okay. Cause you know… life can’t suck forever right? :)

I’m feeling a little bit better today. My cough has gotten worse but I don’t feel fever-ish or congested. But I do feel flemmy. I debated on taking a nap, but now it’s passed 6:30PM and I don’t think it’s a reasonable time to be napping, darn. I shoulda napped sooner!

Anyway, on to Valentines Day!

My mom got me tulips the day before Valentines Day. She always manages to get me flowers, which is sweet of her since my husband doesn’t seem to believe in giving flowers for special occasions, or at all actually. And it was cool cause this year I wanted tulips!

She also gave me my Valentines Day gift a day early. I thought the card was cute because it said “to my daughter and son-in-law” I thought it was sweet she included husband too :).

She got me the P.S. I love You set from Bath & Body Works, a cute flower foofa sponge and a paper rose that wasn’t included in this picture. She also gave me a rose from her bouquet (which is dead now, darn. I can never keep flowers alive).

And just because, these have always been my favorite Valentines Day lollipops! I was so excited to find these at Party City!

So on Valentines Day, since we’re broke, we didn’t do much. We did our usual lunch at Todai thing. It was super packed this year, they had a special promo going on. So maybe that’s why. They also mixed up a few things, they didn’t have my favorite whipped cream with banana’s and chocolate syrup dessert like they usually do for lunch :(.

After Todai, we walked around the mall and I got to get a MAC lipstick from Macy’s. I got Blankety. I was planning on getting another Dazzleglass because mine is kinda funky and I wanted to get Baby Sparks but they were sold out :(. So husband told me to just get one thing and not go around trying to replace it cause it’s sold out. Grrr. We ended up going to downtown Walnut Creek to walk around cause it was just so pretty outside! It was super packed there too! OMGOSH! Finding parking was so hard. And it’s a 3 story parking garage! I got an Alice in Wonderland book with Through The Looking Glass. Excited about that! I couldn’t find Through The Looking Glass for the longest time.

Then we went home and we made dinner together! I wanted to make some Hamburger Helper because that’s what we did for our first official Valentines Day together in high school, we made Hamburger Helper for dinner!

It came out really really really good too. Yum!

Oh, husband also surprised me with a gift! I feel bad because I didn’t get him anything even though he assured me it was okay since we don’t have money and there’s nothing I could had really got him anyway…

He got me a baby orchid I wanted from Home Depot! This totally surprised me because I didn’t think he was really paying attention when I was oohing and ahhing over it. He also got me Pansy flower seeds, cause while we were there I was pointing out flowers that were like “in Alice!” haha. And he got me a really sweet card and wrote a sweet little note at the bottom about how times are hard and how he’s lucky to have me in his life.

Aw, I love my husband!

Me: You know, you remind me of my brother.
Him: Haha, how?
Me: I dont know, you guys have the same birthday? *shrugs*

It was a constant question you asked me because it was a constant thing I said. I dont know why when I obviously didnt want to talk about it.

Me: Why do you like spending time with me?
Him: Listen *plays Addicted by Simple Plan*

Some questions you took forever to answer, too.

I miss being young with you. Being that carefree, that clueless. I miss the days before OCD, when I’d play with you anywhere and everywhere and I never cared about dirt or contamination. I know you miss that too. I wish we could just hold hands and walk around the mall and not have a care in the world and the only thing we were worried about was being together. And the only thing that mattered was that you were here, right now. With me, holding my hand.

I wish life was still that simple.

But we’re a lot older now, that was five years ago. And I look at us now, and every struggle we’ve fought together. Every bump in the road, every wrong decision, every fight, every fall out and we’re still here. Standing with each other, still promising to never leave the other behind. And you’re right, we have came such a long way. A very long and tiring way.

You accept me for everything I am. You understand everything in my life that’s made me me. You understand everything thrown at me that shapes who I become, you dont always agree with it, but you understand it and you support me as best as you can. You’ve taught me so much about life and patience and love and forgiving people. About letting things go and walking away when there is no solution.

I know I am who I am today, because I knew you.

You spend your days trying to make sure I have a good day. Every ounce of your effort (most days) are spent trying to make me happy. You support every crazy idea and plan I have no matter how little experience I have in that field. You actually want to help me achieve my dreams and you help me, as much as you possibly can.

I’m not perfect, you’re the only one who see’s my everyday struggles with myself and knows their extremes. You’ve came with me to every group therapy session, every doctor’s appointment, and you’ve even sat and read self help books with me.

You know how I feel about marriage, but I can not help but be excited to spend the rest of my life with you. I dont care what happens or how we’re going to fix this or if we’ll ever be out of debt or anything. I dont care. All I care about right now is telling you that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And we’ll figure everything else out later. I vow to be by your side forever, and to support you in everything you decide to do or not do.

You’re right, I am the stronger one in the relationship. But only because I have an amazing man to ground me.

I’m ready to get married to you. And I hope you know that.

Foreal foreal.

I forget how inspiring One Tree Hill is to me.

I dont dwell on my past half as much as I use to, in fact a lot of my past is a blur. But certain songs still bring up certain people, certain days, certain feelings. And sometimes, its a refreshing blast of memories. Like on a cold November night like this one.

In every life there will be one great love and one unforgettable heart break.

November was never a good month for me, majority of my break ups happen in November. My “unforgettable heart break” happened in November. I can deny you all I want, but no one hurt me as much as you did. And I cant figure out why, besides that I was young and stupid. You were a pretty decent boyfriend, a push over but decent. But everyone needs to feel the pain you gave me, its a big part of who made me who I am today. And I happen to like who I am today.

Moving on… I’m getting married. Wow. Me. Getting married. Never would had thought. Sure we’ve been together for almost six years (wow, six years, really?) but I just never really saw us getting married. I’m a lot like Ben Affleck in “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days”. I figure we’re happy, why ruin it by getting married. And sure, I still think that. But a small itty bitty part of me is actually kinda excited. Shh, dont tell Martin I said that. I always thought that once you get married, or engaged, the past kinda just… disappears. You dont think of the past or what-could-had-been or why-did-that-end. Why I thought that is beyond me.

I guess I’m lucky. I’m lucky because my fiance is my best of all best friends. Literally. We talk about my exes, we talk about his exes, we try to figure out why our past relationships failed. We have real conversations about things like that. He knows how I feel about all of my exes, he knows the ones I wish I was still friends with or the ones hurt me. And he does what I always wished someone would do with that information. He uses to know who I am and how I am. Not against me, but as a better understanding of how I react to things. I’m lucky because in the last six years, he was able to figure who I had a crush on. At work, at school, to him it was so obvious. And he’d pick on me, not in a jealous boyfriend way but in a ooh-I’m-telling-him-you-like-him way. And sometimes between us, its just so easy to forget we’re together. Because the majority of the time, we dont feel like that. We feel like two best friends hanging out.

Words can not express how lucky and blessed and happy I am to have him. To have someone who’s just like me. Who sacrifices just to see a smile on their face. To spoil me with hugs and kisses and my favorite food “just because”. Who accepts every part of me, and who is completely in love with the tomboy side of me. Someone who’ll watch me put on lipstick, wipe it off with his finger, kiss me and whisper “you dont need it”. Someone who makes me feel so damn alive. He wont ask why I’m crying if I dont feel like telling him but he’ll hug the hell out of me until I’m spent, tuck me in bed and kiss me on the forehead and tell me to sleep it off.

I think back to exes and memories and the crazy fucked up crap you go through with them in high school and relationships that ended far too soon. And the boys I miss. And I look at him and I’m glad those relationship ended. I’m glad for all the fucked up crazy shit I went through. I’m glad I got kicked out school. I’m glad I had to repeat senior year. I’m so glad. I’m so glad to be here, with him. With this ring on my finger. With that ring on his.

I love you. I love you a million times. In a million different lifetimes. I’ve always loved you. I will always love you. My dope friend. My best friend. My babemerding. A million thank yous. For just being you <3.

YESTERDAY – I got to borrow the car from my mom (this whole “mom can I borrow your car” thing is both cute and annoying. cute because I never had to go through it and annoying because I miss having my own car!) so yay! I went to pick up Martin and I made my new CD with “Best I Ever Had” by Drake and “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift (new favorite!) hehe.

I was planning on going to Concord cause I wanted Quicklys again but we ended up going to Vacaville cause we were suppose to see The Proposal. So we ate at Little Mad Fish (our fav… or maybe just mine… sushi place!) and I got what I usually get, the Bento Box. The rice was from the bottom of the pot so it was all crunchy and stuff. Well babe made a complaint (you cant mess with him when it comes to his rice!) and they replaced it and gave us a 20% off our next visit! Which is pretty cool, we’re regulars and in MY opinion they didnt have to do that, but that was really sweet.

After lunch we headed to Target so I could pick up a few things; Skittles fun packs, razors, shampoo and Confessions of a Shopaholic! Yipee!!! FiNALLY! I’m so excited to watch it too! Which reminds me, I’m suppose to be renting Inkheart on itunes. I bought the book and never got around to reading it. And I never got around to watching the movie in theaters so, I’ll just rent on itunes lol! It’ll give me something to do.

After that we headed to the movies and babe! Forgot his card and I just ran out of cash so… no movies *sad face*. We’re so broke right now its not even funny. Really, not funny. So we headed to Borders and… sometimes we do this… fall asleep in the car. For an hour. I woke up thirsty so we scrambled up some money in $1′s and quarters and got some Jamba Juice. Headed to the bead store just to look around then to Borders. Flipped through so magazines and some books. I mentioned I was hungry and babe was looking through an ASVAB book. Oh and I totally got the Independence Day question right… Brazil! I knew it!!! Haha! After he was done he was like “hungry? come on, lets go” it was cute.

So we left and I wanted to stop by PetSmart. Which is always, sometimes, the worst idea. I saw the CUTEST dwarf hamster. OMG she was adooooooooorable! But I hate female hamsters. Darn, she was a total cutie! I also saw really cool shrimp (for $.33!) and frogs and crabs! I want a small mini fish bowl. With shrimps, crabs and frogs. No fish LOL. We also stopped by Best Buy and there’s this DS game I’ve been eying at Target called Starfy and I wannnnnnt it! So I was asking Martin for it and jumping up and down and of course he said no, to wait til it goes on sale. GRRR. And I wouldnt stop jumping around so he started tickling, grrrrrr. I end up laughy for the whole day when he does that lol. Oh then he had me play some weird racing game on the Wii, I was a bat… then a turtle. Who can run. It was pretty cool. I decided to get a FlipCam instead of buying another Canon Powershot. Even though I’d like both. Darn. I hate being broke!

Headed home to get some Olive Garden. Best dinner ever!! Lots of talking and laughing and kisses! Confession time! Haha he bought more diamonds and didnt tell me! So cute, he never buy things online haha. Now he knows how I feel!! Oh and he said something about getting me a Mac Book for Christmas?! Ooh. I hope I hope!!! Now I’m all super excited!!

Had to break the bill money for dinner, but I was really hungry! Darn.

Had a really nice and loving day with my love. I loves him!

How do I prevent the spam bots from leaving comments on this journal? GRRRR.

Yesterday wasnt as busy of a day as I thought it would be lol. We went to the mall and paid a bill. Walked around a bit. I didnt get my MAC Violet pigment cause I spent too much money on MAC the day before *mocks Martin*. Its okay, I’ll just stock up on samples! Holler!

We headed to the USAF recruiting office after going to mall & it went really well. Some studying and working out to be done but well on the way! I’m so excited!! I was drooling at the benefits when the recruiter was going over them! OMGG. So many amazing benefits. I found out the USAF also has a reserved program, which is pretty cool. After the appointment went to get some gummies from the Asian market for a swap I’m doing (okay and because I wanted some too)! Then headed to Target and got tampons. And just tampons. I hate walking out of Target with just one thing LOL!

Spent the night looking up some exciting stuff. I’m so so so  excited! I called my bestie and she was like “HA! You ARE excited! I knew it!” whateverrrrrrr. Haha I <3 her.

The next five months are gonna be busy!!! AHHHHHHHH I’m so excited!!! =D

I also got my MARK rep stuff in yesterday!! Suuuuper excited!! YAY!

Today I tried out the MARK Get A Tint tinted moisturizing lotion and it was pretty good. Besides the first feeling of putting it on your face fades its pretty lightweight and blends really good. I also did a red/blue look with MAC eyeshadows Cranberry and one of the dark blue’s I have (the name is totally not coming to me right now) and it was beautiful! I also highlighted my eyebrows with FLIRT Honey Lemonade (I’m loving that e/s just like I knew I would!) and highlighted with MAC Claire de Lune. Pretty! I liked it! I also wore MARK Juice Gem in Mango Tango. I’m loving the MARK Juice Gem lipgloss!

ANYWAY lol.

I was suppose to go to Pista Sa Nayon today but skipped it. Blah! Went to get some California Pizza Kitchen instead and some stuff from Lush. I went to Sephora and looked at the Stila Smudge Pots, but honestly… I think I’m totally over Sephora. I didnt really find anything I was just aching to get. I’m pretty proud of myself! Had a nice giggly loving day with Martin <3. We also went to Ranch 99 to get some $2 Chow Mien (so good) but they changed the type of noodles today! So we didnt. Just did some walking and looking around. Then went to Target again and got a hot dog + soda combo. Oh we also tried the new Godiva chocolate for summer Lemon Drop. I like it! Its tarty. A lot of Godiva chocolates arent really tarty. I also got a free chocolate (they changed it to once a month now!) so of course I got Strawberry Cheesecake!

Tomorrow’s a chill day. Gonna hopefully do some cleaning and do some more crazy planning. I dont know how I’m gonna work this out, but I’m super super excited!! Gotta edit some videos, take some haul pictures and write up a huge haul update. UGHH.

I need to stop sleeping/waking up late! Seriously, this is so shitty booboo!