thisgirlispoison

Mar 14

A week full of struggles.

by zel

I won’t be doing much of an update for this week because it wasn’t really a happy one. It was full of stress and surprise payments and money-related issues. Just when I thought it was going to get better, it got just a little worse.

I ended up breaking down at the mall yesterday, and I hate crying in public. I hate when people even just glance in my direction. It makes me want to punch faces. Everything is just so… hard and frustrating right now and it’s one of those times when I wish life would just come with answers. But it’s me we’re talking about, when am I not struggling with something. I should be use to this by now, and maybe sometimes I am, maybe it’s why I’m sitting here today with a smile on my face even though just yesterday I felt like exploding.

My husband. My dear darling husband.

He wasn’t as understanding as he usually is yesterday, he was stressed out himself and he doesn’t talk much of his feelings so I had no idea why he felt the way he felt until we talked about it last night. In fact, we spent 3 hours talking about it. Which really isn’t that new, for some reason we talk best after 10PM. He was telling me what he’s been stressing about lately and what he’s been struggling with lately as well. Something I don’t really like talking about because it scares me. It’s nothing bad, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway if I told you.

We talked a bit about my OCD. I was saying how I’m not strong enough right now to fight it. Stress makes it worse and right now with all I’m stressing about, there’s no way I’d be able to control my OCD when my mind is in a million other directions. He says that maybe I just don’t want to get rid of it. I can’t deny, maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just so use to it by now that I don’t mind it. When I should. Obviously in the last 6 years I wasn’t “ready” to fight it either, so what about 6 years from now? Will I still not be “ready”? What about 10 years from now? Will my husband and children have to tip toe around mommy’s OCD? I want a normal life, or at least, what normal life I had before OCD (reminds of this Wicked line: “She’s stripped the munchkins of our rights! And we didn’t have that many to begin with!”).

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xoxo

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Feb 27

You’re my Noah.

by zel

I’m surfing Good Reads and I know I should be doing other things like… working on a new layout for 3 other blogs, updating blogs, responding to emails, cleaning my room, updating my resume, applying for jobs, transferring pictures, reading more of my books…

But no, I’m surfing Good Reads. And happily :)! I don’t get many days to do nothing. And when I do, I kick myself for doing nothing because my mind is always in a million different places at the same time. Like a few hours ago, I just compiled a list of “things to do before I turn 30″ and publishing a book is on that list. I think I’m insane! My husband replied with “why can’t you just enjoy life and record the good times in a journal?” that’s a good question, why can’t I? I can think of a few reasons why I’m like this and it all leads back to my mother. Of course right? When you have some crazy unexplainable obsession, it always leads back to your mother. Which makes me afraid to be a mother!

Anyway…

I was reading about Nicolas Sparks. He’s been my favorite author for years. Most people don’t like his style of writing because it’s always intensely passionate, but also extremely heartbreaking. To the point where if you pick up one his books you, you can just assume that it’s going to end in tragedy. And I love that! I love tragic love stories. Okay, maybe not. Of all his books I’ve read (and I’ve read almost all of them) there are about two that that don’t end in tragedy.

When I started reading The Notebook in 2004, I was sucked in. I was sucked in like I’ve never been sucked in by a book before. But it was weird. I was caught up in this epic love story between Ally and Noah. Wondering where they would end up, what would happen, would they find each other again? But I also remember stopping every few chapters. Because I just had to write. I had to write something. And I did. I ended up writing probably the longest blog entry I’ve ever written in my entire life. Not only was it written over a few days (which is hard for me to believe because my attention span doesn’t want to be my friend) but it was pieced together beautifully and it didn’t go off track at all and I had a good solid conclusion to it. I printed it out and gave it to my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) for his birthday.

Because it was about him.

Over the time I read The Notebook, I wrote several entries about him. I’ve written entries about him after watching the movie and even now, years later. I still write entries about him after reading the book or reading a quote from the book or seeing the movie.

And it just amazes me. I was never able to write about anything happy prior to Martin. And shifting from writing about the sadness of life to completely happiness I couldn’t explain was new and it flowed so easily. Where the hell am I going with this lol!

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xoxo

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Jan 19

Panera Bread!

by zel

I’m at Panera Bread hoping for some quiet time. Which isnt really… quiet. But its empty for a rainy day (is it just me or is Panera always packed on rainy days?) and the classical music playing and the faint sound of blenders is… relaxing.

I forgot how much I love the camera on my pink Aspire One laptop! I’ve had this hid away for over a year now because the battery died out and Fry’s told me it would cost over $100 to get a backup. I only realized after Martin left for Basic that I could get a backup battery on Amazon for $68! Damn you Fry’s!

Speaking of, 3 military people walked in today. Two were USAF, I couldnt help but whimper because I want my own set of ABU’s. And one day, I will :).

It was storming this morning. Well into the early afternoon. But it literally sounded like sheets of rain just flying to my window. It was insane and it kept me up all night. Goodness. Martin called randomly asking if I was okay and if the rain was keeping me up… how does he know these things?! lol. Have I mentioned how much more aware of my discomforts he’s been since we got married? Every small thing he jumps up wondering if I’m okay and what he can do to make me feel better. He’s amazing.

Like right now, he’s sitting next to me playing his DSi quietly and letting me get some work done on my laptop. Not even complaining that we’ve been here for nearly two hours. How did I get so lucky :).

Oh also, we saw lightning while we were on the freeway! I was so excited! I love lightning. I got to see it twice on the way here :)!

xoxo

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Jan 16

Husband.

by zel

I have a wonderful husband. Who makes me my new found favorite snack (lettuce with mayo and turkey) when I’m irritated and grumpy. Who lets me drown out the noise with my ipod. Who traps me in big tight hugs when I feel like punching the wall. Who spends all day tricking me so he could nibble on my neck just because he rolled it on a silly Valentines Day card at Target. Who gives me sleepy time rubs when I need to sleep and I just cant. Who wakes me up with dinner in hand and sweet kisses so I dont get grumpy. Who spends all day long playing video games but will put it down when  I ask him to look at something.

I finally cut my hair today, super short. It feels… refreshing. My head feels a ton lighter :).

To be honest, this rumor about an Earthquake on Monday is making me paranoid. Hmph.

personal

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Dec 19

We’re hitting the single digits now!

by zel

Less than ten days away from the wedding. The countdown is now hitting the single digits. My goodness, its coming faster and faster. I am nervous, it does still feel all so surreal. I cant believe this is happening! Picked up my dress the other day, I tried everything on and it looks amazing. I couldnt help but smile and twirl around. I’m so glad my sister in law and the store lady didnt look at me like I was insane. I should do a review on the shop I went to, their customer service is amazing. And the ladies that work there are so very sweet. I have to admit, I think I’m more excited we’re going to Vegas than that we’re getting married. Oh my gosh! I’m gonna be one of those girl’s who walk out the hotel and people pass by thinking I bet she just got married! How weird! I’m ready to marry my best friend (deep down inside, even though while I’m up there I might be searching for a way to break for the door, ignore that lol), I’m ready for delicious buffet food that I miss so very much, I’m ready to see my cousin who I havent seen in two years, I’m not however ready to go through the hassle of changing my last name or walking down the isle. Seriously, can I just… not walk down the isle, or can everyone just like, not look at me lol.

This is insane.

Oh! And Christmas shopping is done, mostly. I have to get 3 more things and I’ll be done :) I wish I could had enjoyed the holiday spirit more this year, this month flew right by me thanks to planning this wedding (though I cant really complain, I’m getting my dream winter wedding and my navy blue with silver dream wedding)! I hope next year I’ll be able to be more into the holiday spirit and actually get our tree up (I wasnt able to this year, sadly) and bake delicious cookies and make cute little crafty things and just enjoy everything.

Martin hugged me one night and told me “did you know, we’ll be starting the new year as a family? We wont just be saying it anymore, it’ll actually be true this time”. And that made me happy. Like everyone else who knows us, we already feel like we’re married. But know that we will actually be a family does make me feel warm inside :)

He’s determined to make next year happy for me, my happy 25. I’ve been dreading turning 25 since I had a nervous break down when I turned 20! Haha. Goodness, he’s put up with my random outbursts for such a long time. I think its cute and sweet of him to make sure that me turning 25 wont be such a big deal and I’m so thankful that he cares that much.

This one day we were at the mall and we were walking out of this kiddie/anime store and there was a scroll poster on the wall and one of the guys who are in the Kingdom Hearts Organization XIII looks like Sephiroth (a Final Fantasy video game character), well, in my opinion. So I get them mixed up. Martin’s a big Sephiroth fan (I personally dont like him) and so I was pointing to it and I said “hey, isnt that your friend?” and he was like “no, that’s not him” and I was like “oh… I tried” and we were walking away from the store and I was thinking about my ex who probably woulda bit off my head for not being “smart” enough to know the difference and Martin squeezed me and said “I’m not mad, I’m not like your ex. I dont expect you to remember all of these things” sometimes I think he can hear my thoughts. But I do love that I dont have to pretend to be some video game expert to keep him happy and I’m glad that the things I do know, he’s excited to teach me :)

I’m working my way though the Sweep series, I’m on book 7 (The Calling) right now and I’m fighting the urge to go continue reading it lol. I’m sad that I’m almost done with the series! I’ll try to post up a few reviews (I think I reviewed the first one, though I’m not sure). I think my blog could us a few more pictures anyway :)

I’m also suppose to be finishing up some packages that I’m gonna have to send out on Monday, and I’m not haha. I’m lazy! And it’s cold! I’ll finish them soon though. Its not much left to get done, but still a bit. Hopefully Monday will the be the last busy day before Christmas! Next year, I’m not going to forget to get my holiday shopping done in November! Haha.

xoxo

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