I ended up breaking down at the mall yesterday, and I hate crying in public. I hate when people even just glance in my direction. It makes me want to punch faces. Everything is just so… hard and frustrating right now and it’s one of those times when I wish life would just come with answers. But it’s me we’re talking about, when am I not struggling with something. I should be use to this by now, and maybe sometimes I am, maybe it’s why I’m sitting here today with a smile on my face even though just yesterday I felt like exploding.

My husband. My dear darling husband.

He wasn’t as understanding as he usually is yesterday, he was stressed out himself and he doesn’t talk much of his feelings so I had no idea why he felt the way he felt until we talked about it last night. In fact, we spent 3 hours talking about it. Which really isn’t that new, for some reason we talk best after 10PM. He was telling me what he’s been stressing about lately and what he’s been struggling with lately as well. Something I don’t really like talking about because it scares me. It’s nothing bad, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway if I told you.

We talked a bit about my OCD. I was saying how I’m not strong enough right now to fight it. Stress makes it worse and right now with all I’m stressing about, there’s no way I’d be able to control my OCD when my mind is in a million other directions. He says that maybe I just don’t want to get rid of it. I can’t deny, maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just so use to it by now that I don’t mind it. When I should. Obviously in the last 6 years I wasn’t “ready” to fight it either, so what about 6 years from now? Will I still not be “ready”? What about 10 years from now? Will my husband and children have to tip toe around mommy’s OCD? I want a normal life, or at least, what normal life I had before OCD (reminds of this Wicked line: “She’s stripped the munchkins of our rights! And we didn’t have that many to begin with!”).

I hate that he has to suffer with me, in his own way. I hate that he can’t come in my room because of my OCD, I hate that I can’t be the person he fell in love with because my OCD took over. I hate that when we’re on vacation I give him restrictions. Or I get grumpy when he does something slightly “wrong”. He knew the problem with my hands was eczema. I didn’t know it. I had hopes that it wasn’t and it was just something that would go away eventually. But it’s not, its eczema. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hopeless before. The dry itches on my hands won’t ever go away. I’m going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Right now, I have scabs all over my fingers from scratching them in my sleep. And it’s because of my OCD. I wish I could had controlled it more before damaging my hands…

I love him for being so understanding and patient. I love him for finding out that long tight hugs make anxiety go away faster on the days when I feel like my heart is going to explode from anxiety. I love that even though he hates my OCD, it doesn’t stop him from trying to help me get better. I love that he supports me, through anything and everything. I lovelovelove that he encourages and pushes me to write and read everyday. That when I get too lazy to do my blogging assignments, he’ll turn off the tv and make me write my assignments because he knows this is what I want to do. I love that he tries to make me smile and laugh when I’m crying my eyes out. Even if it means that when I laugh I spit snot at him. I love that he listens to me when I tell him my wishlist when it comes to books or makeup. I love that on the days when I’m reading a book he always wants me to read to him, even if he has no idea what the book is about or anything. Just so he could be doing something with me.

In a week or a month or a year or even in a few years of nothing but struggles and stress, he makes everything better. It doesn’t matter what life throws at us anymore, as long as I have him I know I’ll be okay. I couldn’t ask for a more amazing, loving and selfless person to spend my life with. I just wish I could be as selfless as he is and support him the way he supports me. But I’m thankful that he loves me for what I can give him even if it’s not as much as he gives me.

I love you dope friend, we’ll be okay. Cause you know… life can’t suck forever right? :)

But no, I’m surfing Good Reads. And happily :)! I don’t get many days to do nothing. And when I do, I kick myself for doing nothing because my mind is always in a million different places at the same time. Like a few hours ago, I just compiled a list of “things to do before I turn 30″ and publishing a book is on that list. I think I’m insane! My husband replied with “why can’t you just enjoy life and record the good times in a journal?” that’s a good question, why can’t I? I can think of a few reasons why I’m like this and it all leads back to my mother. Of course right? When you have some crazy unexplainable obsession, it always leads back to your mother. Which makes me afraid to be a mother!

Anyway…

I was reading about Nicolas Sparks. He’s been my favorite author for years. Most people don’t like his style of writing because it’s always intensely passionate, but also extremely heartbreaking. To the point where if you pick up one his books you, you can just assume that it’s going to end in tragedy. And I love that! I love tragic love stories. Okay, maybe not. Of all his books I’ve read (and I’ve read almost all of them) there are about two that that don’t end in tragedy.

When I started reading The Notebook in 2004, I was sucked in. I was sucked in like I’ve never been sucked in by a book before. But it was weird. I was caught up in this epic love story between Ally and Noah. Wondering where they would end up, what would happen, would they find each other again? But I also remember stopping every few chapters. Because I just had to write. I had to write something. And I did. I ended up writing probably the longest blog entry I’ve ever written in my entire life. Not only was it written over a few days (which is hard for me to believe because my attention span doesn’t want to be my friend) but it was pieced together beautifully and it didn’t go off track at all and I had a good solid conclusion to it. I printed it out and gave it to my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) for his birthday.

Because it was about him.

Over the time I read The Notebook, I wrote several entries about him. I’ve written entries about him after watching the movie and even now, years later. I still write entries about him after reading the book or reading a quote from the book or seeing the movie.

And it just amazes me. I was never able to write about anything happy prior to Martin. And shifting from writing about the sadness of life to completely happiness I couldn’t explain was new and it flowed so easily. Where the hell am I going with this lol!

I always seem to relate us to Noah and Ally. Because of our similarities, because of the financial status that set us apart. And because of a parents opinion on that financial status. I was Ally, the rich girl who got everything she wanted and had a promising future ahead of her if she wanted it. And he was Noah, who wasn’t so fortunate but enjoyed all the small and silly things life had to offer. How I felt free when I was with him, I could be as silly or as childish or as serious as I wanted to be. How we constantly joked around and made faces at each other (and we still do). How I’m impossible and picky and I have a rebound rate of 3 seconds before I’m doing the next pain in the ass thing. And how he doesn’t care, he just wants me, all of me, forever.

And how thankful I am. For him. Everyday. For loving all of me, even the parts of me I hate. For his never ending support in all that I do. For always willing to push me and encourage me in the things I don’t know about or the things that I fear. And for caring about me as much as he does.

And for always putting on the Notebook or handing me the book when it’s been too long since the last time I’ve visited the story :).

I forgot how much I love the camera on my pink Aspire One laptop! I’ve had this hid away for over a year now because the battery died out and Fry’s told me it would cost over $100 to get a backup. I only realized after Martin left for Basic that I could get a backup battery on Amazon for $68! Damn you Fry’s!

Speaking of, 3 military people walked in today. Two were USAF, I couldnt help but whimper because I want my own set of ABU’s. And one day, I will :).

It was storming this morning. Well into the early afternoon. But it literally sounded like sheets of rain just flying to my window. It was insane and it kept me up all night. Goodness. Martin called randomly asking if I was okay and if the rain was keeping me up… how does he know these things?! lol. Have I mentioned how much more aware of my discomforts he’s been since we got married? Every small thing he jumps up wondering if I’m okay and what he can do to make me feel better. He’s amazing.

Like right now, he’s sitting next to me playing his DSi quietly and letting me get some work done on my laptop. Not even complaining that we’ve been here for nearly two hours. How did I get so lucky :).

Oh also, we saw lightning while we were on the freeway! I was so excited! I love lightning. I got to see it twice on the way here :)!

I finally cut my hair today, super short. It feels… refreshing. My head feels a ton lighter :).

To be honest, this rumor about an Earthquake on Monday is making me paranoid. Hmph.

This is insane.

Oh! And Christmas shopping is done, mostly. I have to get 3 more things and I’ll be done :) I wish I could had enjoyed the holiday spirit more this year, this month flew right by me thanks to planning this wedding (though I cant really complain, I’m getting my dream winter wedding and my navy blue with silver dream wedding)! I hope next year I’ll be able to be more into the holiday spirit and actually get our tree up (I wasnt able to this year, sadly) and bake delicious cookies and make cute little crafty things and just enjoy everything.

Martin hugged me one night and told me “did you know, we’ll be starting the new year as a family? We wont just be saying it anymore, it’ll actually be true this time”. And that made me happy. Like everyone else who knows us, we already feel like we’re married. But know that we will actually be a family does make me feel warm inside :)

He’s determined to make next year happy for me, my happy 25. I’ve been dreading turning 25 since I had a nervous break down when I turned 20! Haha. Goodness, he’s put up with my random outbursts for such a long time. I think its cute and sweet of him to make sure that me turning 25 wont be such a big deal and I’m so thankful that he cares that much.

This one day we were at the mall and we were walking out of this kiddie/anime store and there was a scroll poster on the wall and one of the guys who are in the Kingdom Hearts Organization XIII looks like Sephiroth (a Final Fantasy video game character), well, in my opinion. So I get them mixed up. Martin’s a big Sephiroth fan (I personally dont like him) and so I was pointing to it and I said “hey, isnt that your friend?” and he was like “no, that’s not him” and I was like “oh… I tried” and we were walking away from the store and I was thinking about my ex who probably woulda bit off my head for not being “smart” enough to know the difference and Martin squeezed me and said “I’m not mad, I’m not like your ex. I dont expect you to remember all of these things” sometimes I think he can hear my thoughts. But I do love that I dont have to pretend to be some video game expert to keep him happy and I’m glad that the things I do know, he’s excited to teach me :)

I’m working my way though the Sweep series, I’m on book 7 (The Calling) right now and I’m fighting the urge to go continue reading it lol. I’m sad that I’m almost done with the series! I’ll try to post up a few reviews (I think I reviewed the first one, though I’m not sure). I think my blog could us a few more pictures anyway :)

I’m also suppose to be finishing up some packages that I’m gonna have to send out on Monday, and I’m not haha. I’m lazy! And it’s cold! I’ll finish them soon though. Its not much left to get done, but still a bit. Hopefully Monday will the be the last busy day before Christmas! Next year, I’m not going to forget to get my holiday shopping done in November! Haha.

The wedding is in less than 25 days, the nervous-ness is starting to catch up with me. Quickly. He declined walking down the isle instead of me. Darn, that sucks :(

Its been freezing cold lately, just how I like it! Except I dont like how my toes and my fingertips get numb so quickly from how cold it is. It was suppose to snow here in Nor Cal yesterday… crazy! It did snow in some parts of Nor Cal, but not in my area. Lame. I’ve never seen real snow before, so I was a bit hopeful. Even though they did the same thing last year and there was no snow, this year… there was actually a bit of snow. How weird!

I feel like Christmas is coming up too quickly. I havent had a chance to wrap gifts, or even SHOP for gifts and put up my little tree. I dont think I’ll have much time any time soon either considering how quickly Christmas is coming up and the wedding and everything… I cant even find time to change my bed sheets to my favorite fleece ones! I need to make time, and soon! As much as I like the cold, all I ever want to do is sleep lol!

I’ll try to blog as often as I can. I hate that I’ve been MIA, I have a lot of catching up to do!

Me: You know, you remind me of my brother.
Him: Haha, how?
Me: I dont know, you guys have the same birthday? *shrugs*

It was a constant question you asked me because it was a constant thing I said. I dont know why when I obviously didnt want to talk about it.

Me: Why do you like spending time with me?
Him: Listen *plays Addicted by Simple Plan*

Some questions you took forever to answer, too.

I miss being young with you. Being that carefree, that clueless. I miss the days before OCD, when I’d play with you anywhere and everywhere and I never cared about dirt or contamination. I know you miss that too. I wish we could just hold hands and walk around the mall and not have a care in the world and the only thing we were worried about was being together. And the only thing that mattered was that you were here, right now. With me, holding my hand.

I wish life was still that simple.

But we’re a lot older now, that was five years ago. And I look at us now, and every struggle we’ve fought together. Every bump in the road, every wrong decision, every fight, every fall out and we’re still here. Standing with each other, still promising to never leave the other behind. And you’re right, we have came such a long way. A very long and tiring way.

You accept me for everything I am. You understand everything in my life that’s made me me. You understand everything thrown at me that shapes who I become, you dont always agree with it, but you understand it and you support me as best as you can. You’ve taught me so much about life and patience and love and forgiving people. About letting things go and walking away when there is no solution.

I know I am who I am today, because I knew you.

You spend your days trying to make sure I have a good day. Every ounce of your effort (most days) are spent trying to make me happy. You support every crazy idea and plan I have no matter how little experience I have in that field. You actually want to help me achieve my dreams and you help me, as much as you possibly can.

I’m not perfect, you’re the only one who see’s my everyday struggles with myself and knows their extremes. You’ve came with me to every group therapy session, every doctor’s appointment, and you’ve even sat and read self help books with me.

You know how I feel about marriage, but I can not help but be excited to spend the rest of my life with you. I dont care what happens or how we’re going to fix this or if we’ll ever be out of debt or anything. I dont care. All I care about right now is telling you that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And we’ll figure everything else out later. I vow to be by your side forever, and to support you in everything you decide to do or not do.

You’re right, I am the stronger one in the relationship. But only because I have an amazing man to ground me.

I’m ready to get married to you. And I hope you know that.

Foreal foreal.

I forget how inspiring One Tree Hill is to me.

• Woke up with an extremely painful ulcer
• Missed Wicked
• Got a fever
• And a headache
• Martin had some bad news

The upside? Marissa stayed with me for 14hrs taking care of me since I wasnt feeling well. Best sister in law ever? HELL YES.

Certain people remind me just how worthless best friends are. Thank goodness Marissa’s dealing with this with me. We’re both very upset about his bad news. Oh and thank goodness for my bro who never lets me down.

I hate moping and I hate being sad, especially over things I have no control over. I’m hoping I can just sleep this off and be ready and willing to work in the morning, but I have a feeling this particular problem isnt going to be solved that way or that quickly. And I really wish it would be.

I feel like giving up for awhile. Not doing anything. Just sitting on the floor staring at the door for a few weeks, but what’s that going to solve? It isnt going to make it go away and it isnt going to better the situation. As much as it hurts to get up and do something, it has to be done.

Just because life kicks you down doesnt mean you have to stop.

I miss you holding the door open in women’s restrooms and watching me cause you know the hand dryer scares me. I miss you pulling me away from things you know I dont need to buy. I miss sharing Hazelnut Toffee Mocha’s from Seattles Best with you. I miss sharing soup and soda with you at Panera Bread. I miss sending you millions of Wicked videos from YouTube and watching them with you. I miss singing to Wicked with you. I miss singing with you in general. I miss your good morning phone calls and the songs you sing me while I’m waking up. I miss your cheerful “Hi baby!” when I pick up the phone. I miss you falling asleep on AIM while I’m still talking. I miss you playing your PSP way too loud in the car. I miss you driving me around. I miss how you always have to hold my hand while you drive.

I hate that we’ve been apart from each other for this long. I hate how far you are from me. I hate the days I walk in my room and smell you. I hate the times I bite my lip and taste your kiss. I hate getting in my car knowing you wont be joining me soon and I wont be getting a “good morning baby” hug.

I want to wrap myself in you and just sleep. I want the the its-just-you-and-me-here feeling again. I want you home. I want you here with me, right now. I want you to never leave me again.

I miss you so much and I try so hard to push it away and to just forget about it. I drown myself in “work” to avoid thinking about how you’re not here today or tomorrow or next week. I’m constantly moving cause being idle reminds me I cant pick up the phone and call you about my new idea’s or accomplishments or projects. I’m so set on doing something to make you proud when I see you again. And I’ve got a lot of things I’m working on, and yet none of them make me feel proud. I’m excited for some of them, but I just really wish you were here to work on them with me. Like you always do.

It feels like we’ve been apart forever. It feels like I wont see you for another forever. Its just a few more weeks, we’re half way done. I cant wait until you come home. I cant wait until I get to show you my projects and I cant wait to show you your surprise gift. I hope you like it. And I hope you like my new projects, its not jewelry but I think you’d be happy to know I’m working on something I’ve always had a passion for over something I just started.

I know its hard for you to push yourself without me. I know its hard for you to keep your head on right without me with you. Its hard for both of us, but you’re pushing yourself as far as you can and I havent been, and I should. Its not fair for you to and for me to sit here and mope. So the next few weeks, I’ll be pushing myself as hard as you’re pushing yourself.

I cant wait to see you again.

You were the biggest chance I ever took. You were what stopped me from hating people, you flipped my world completely upside down. I saw how tired I was from being angry all the time, from hating the world, from shutting people out, from turning my back on people who only wanted to help, from yelling at my parents. You were my sigh of relief. I didnt have to fight anymore. I didnt have to struggle.

I let my guard down. I let you in. And you have never given me a reason to regret it.

Thank you.

Six years ago, I didnt in my wildest dreams think that our daily meeting place at school would be the place that you would ask me to spend of our lives together. The same spot where I’d stumble to you every morning after waking up from my first period nap. Six years ago, I was still trying to figure out if you liked me or not! You always seem to teach me something new when it comes to relationships, I could never match the love you feel for me. Its so intense and its so pure. I’m a little jealous, all I can give you is what I have left. But I’m happy that you do care about me and you do love me as intense as you do. I couldnt imagine anyone better to spend my life with.

You were the biggest chance I took, Martin Alvarez. And a chance well worth taking. I love you, so much.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

(The poem Martin read me after reading off 100 reasons why he loves me before proposing).