You’d think, after 6 years together, it would change right? That’s not really true. I’m still selfish. I still put myself before anyone else (most of the time). I still prefer days alone over days with my husband (thank God he understands this). I would think by now, after being with someone for 6 years and at 25 years old, I woulda matured a little. And I have, but not in the area’s where it would oh I don’t know… help my marriage?

Maybe it was the idea that I never intended to get married. But life never works out the way you want to and the military can cause a great deal of pressure. So of course, being married when I never planned on ever being married… is a struggle for me most days. I don’t get this marriage thing! I don’t get this “we” shit. I don’t understand why “we” have to make decisions “together”. I mean shit, can’t we just pull the solution out of a hat or something? I don’t get what “we’re a family” means. It just doesn’t click in my head.

We had our first misunderstanding as a married couple the other day and I think this is worth documenting. It didn’t involve screaming, tears or me breaking glass (or windshields). He sat me down, forced me to look at him while he explained his side followed by “do you understand?” except it was much more of a statement than a question. I tried to argue my point but it always went back to “do you understand?” yes I understand but me, being selfish and stubborn, I’m going to say no!

At the end of it all, I got a big hug a kiss and an “I love you”.

Maybe I should not understand more often kidding.

I’m working on this being married thing. Just don’t hold your breath love, this may take a few… decades. Just sayin’.

Of course, if you know me, you’ll know I keep blogs and journals as if it were oxygen. And writing a novel that closely resembles my past… of course I turn to my blogs when I’m stuck. But reading over those days, trying to re-live them in my head… I can see them, I can hear the conversations but I don’t feel anything anymore. I can’t grab the emotion I need to finish this chapter. No matter how hard I try. Ask me 8 years ago to tell you what heartbreak feels like, I wouldn’t shut up. Ask me today, I couldn’t answer you. Because I don’t know anymore.

And I thought, I’d be happy. The day that I’d wake up and realize that feeling was FINALLY gone. I’d wake up and not wondering where you are or who you’re with or what you’re doing and I’d be happy. I’d be free of you. I wake up today, and every other other day for the 6 years and I am finally free of you. And I’m happy that I am, but I lost that emotion. The one that drove all of my best writing and creativity. Who woulda fuckin thought.

I still feel heartbreak, but it’s not exactly the same as before and it doesn’t last nearly as long. There’s nothing unknown as far as my love life goes. I literally crashed right into my “amazing person” earlier than I expected in my life and he’s not perfect but he keeps me dizzy with his touch, his kisses make everything go away and his hugs make me feel, for the first time in a long time, safe.

I’m no longer reckless (unless you hand me a credit card with no limit and tell me to shop til my heart’s content, then we’ll have a problem). I’m the responsible wife. I rely on my Wicked year planner and my Palm Pixi calender to keep me on track. I’m no longer careless or free, at least… free in the sense that I want to be.

So why did this person who never takes no for answer, who was her own independent person her whole life, who has some weird strange addiction to men… get married?

To be completely honest, sometimes… I wonder the same thing. Why did I give up the things that satisfy me… up? Because when I look at him, I couldn’t imagine myself being happier with anyone else. When I look at him, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I had ever hurt him.

And even now, 6 years later and married… that thought still scares me. I don’t give a shit about any boy’s feelings. I don’t care enough to stay faithful! But I have been, for 6 solid years and sometimes I amaze myself because I’m not this sweet, caring, organized person who is willing to care for someone else and sacrifice the things she wants to make him happy. But I am, I am for him.

And his smiles, they make the fact that I’m not who I use to be… the fact I can’t go back to who I use to be… worth it.

And what’s even better? The days I struggle with craving that freedom, that recklessness… I’m free to tell him and he won’t look at me any different. Instead he’ll give me a hug, a kiss on the forehead and say “you’re fine, silly face”.

Yesterday wasnt spent doing much, I had my first ever Jury Duty summon yesterday morning at 8AM which consisted of a lot of waiting around. I was seriously falling asleep waiting and when we finally got to the court house, I was falling asleep there too! And I was one of the first 18 random picked people. So obviously when the lawyers are asking you questions and you give them a blank stare and when they’re not asking you questions and you’re dozing off, will probably get you excused. Whoops.

Husband was waiting for me outside with breakfast. Isnt he the best? Sad that the Micky D’s there didnt have the bagel breakfast sandwiches but the griddles are good too, everything’s good when you’re starving lol. Went straight home after that, stopping by Cold Stone Creamery for one of their new sundae’s. I originally wanted the Churro sundae but I decided on the Strawberry Funnel Cake.

I did a review for this here on my food blog. Husband wanted cheesecake instead of the french vanilla it came with. What a weirdo! Got some Rubio’s for dinner. I’ve been craving Rubio’s like crazy all week. Then I took a nap for an hour. It was lovely, until I had to wake up. Lame.

The rest of the day consisted of this…

Actually, the last few days have been like this. School starts in exactly one week (wow, really?!) so I’m trying to get things together and relaxing as much as I can before school starts. I’m a bit excited to go back to school. I’m hoping to get my GE done this year, or at least the majority of it. I just found out my school doesnt offer many Journalism courses. That is a bit of a problem considering its my major. So the most I can do is do my GE and transfer.

This is one of our family parakeets. As you can see, he has a tumor of some sort. He’s had it for about a year or two and its gotten worse, there have been times when there’s splashes of blood all over his cage. My mom recently separated the two parakeets, but the one that isnt hurt spends a lot of its time clung on to its cage in the direction the hurt bird is in and talks to him. They put this bird to sleep today, and now the bird that isnt hurt is talking, but there’s no one to talk to. I cant but feel bad for it. He keeps looking in the direction his friend’s cage was in

I’m such a sucker for animals feelings. I dont know if buying another bird would make it feel better since he’s known his friend for years, at least 4 years. Poor birdie

In other news, I changed the layout for the site, I dont know if I’ll keep it. I’m so picky when it comes to layouts!