I miss turning on my iTunes and having a song just completely sweep me away in a memory or a thought strong enough to get me to write. I miss having a list of things to blog about when I got home. I miss blogging. Really blogging. Really writing. It’s been years since something has really inspired me.

My mind feels like a constant hazy fog. I have bits and pieces of things I want to write about. But as soon as they come, they leave. It kind of feelings like ever since OCD hit really hard everything artistic about me just faded away. I don’t web design, I don’t graphic design, I don’t write. I don’t do anything. And I feel like all my efforts to get back into the things I loved doing, are effortless. It’s like something coming between me and my project. Like an invisible wall pushing me back.

I wanted to change that this year. And I still do, but I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to give up, but I feel so hopeless.

Then again it’s after midnight. Misery always comes after midnight…

Last Sunday husband came over and we sat around and watched movies. At Chicken Noodle Soup and relaxed.

Also tore open the Williams-Sonoma Easter sour bunny gummies! I love these! I tried them last year and fell in love! I only like the lime ones though. They’re so sour and chewy and OMG. Delicious!

I also finally finished Stealing Heaven by Elizabeth Scott. This was such a good read! I still have to do a review on this. I just hate how when I read a good book, I postpone reviews because I never think it’ll do it enough justice. But this was a really good book and I’m now a huge fan of Elizabeth Scott’s writing!

Monday was our last day of our first class at University of Phoenix. I don’t have a picture of the spread of food we had, and man we had a lot but I do have a picture of our plates on my twitpic. Featuring Kai’s delicious Cookies & Cream cupcakes. They were delicious! They were moist, the frosting was amazing and there was half an oreo under the cupcake! Impressive! Sad to be leaving GEN/195, I liked our teacher and the class was pretty laid back. Now tomorrow we’re starting a new class!

Tuesday I wasn’t feeling too well, I thought it was the birth control I started taking again to regulate my period, but whatever it was… I just wasn’t feeling well at all. We went to the bank and ran some errands before class. Husband took me to The Grocery Outlet since I’ve never been there and he swore they sold MRE’s there. Well they didn’t, but I did discover these…

OMGOMGOMG! I haven’t seen these since the 90′s! Viennetta ice cream cake was my favorite FAVORITE ice cream cake when I was a child. Seriously, I LOVED this stuff! I can’t believe I forgot about it! I hate how they don’t sell these in grocery stores anymore! I was seriously freaking out. Everything in The Grocery Outlet was amazingly cheap. Stuff I normally pay $5 for! They don’t have a super large selection but they do have a lot of really good stuff there including this! OMG. When I get better! So going back to get a bunch of these!!

After class, we headed over to Borders so I could buy The Unwritten Rule by Elizabeth Scott.

She’s holding a contest/giveaway on her blog. If you send her a picture of your purchased book and receipt, she sends you an additional novel for free! I just got my additional novel in yesterday, haven’t opened it yet so I don’t know what it is!

Wednesday I stayed home and ate my “I’m sick” comfort food: KFC Chicken Pot Pie. Fevers, aches, headaches, not fun.

Thursday Skipped class to go to the hospital and thank goodness it isn’t Strep Throat! The day was filled with naps, soup and apple juice.

Sorry, not much else is coming to mind about that day….

Friday was spent at home relaxing on my own and doing Follow Friday which I’m starting to think is a bad idea… I do all these Follow Friday‘s and I get all these “followers” but hardly anyone ever comments after that Friday. I want people to follow my blog because they actually like my blog, not because I was on some blog hop list!

Some new books. Thank goodness Amazon accepts paypal, it’s all I got right now! Whew. I’ve been itching for Wake for awhile now. I’m excited to read these! My husband just got my order in from Amazon for my birthday gift books, I don’t know how he’s going to wrap them… my OCD anxiety goes nuts every time I think about it. Gah! OCD seriously just makes my life SO much more worse. Drives me insane.

Saturday I was up early to catch Wicked at my mall. They were having a performance at 11AM, so I dragged myself out of bed only to find out that… they only sang two songs “Wizard & I” and “For Good” and they were two people I’ve never seen before, so I’m going to assume understudies? But they had amazing voices! I was disappointed it wasn’t longer and they didn’t perform any other songs… so we went to Panera after and had lunch then back home to go to Target so I could get husband some Rice Crackers and get me some Tylenol. I was singing and acting out “The Wizard & I” at Target cause I was just so deliriously sick at that point. Good thing my husband doesn’t get embarrassed by the things I do and good thing there wasn’t anyone really there at 1PM. Or maybe I was just too into my own little world… whatever! I got the Tylenol Cold with Cool Burst like I mentioned in my review.

Also, I finally finished my LUSH Snow Fairy body wash!

Thank goodness!! Towards the end, I really hated the smell of this thing! I think I’ll do a review on here later… if not check my beauty blog for a review there!

Sunday which is today, is spent catching up on blogs, doing laundry, trying to feel better before class tomorrow and hopefully doing some cleaning. I’m going to start reading The Unwritten Rule today, I’ve been putting it off because of my OCD. Ugh. Lame lame lame!

Song of the week: Lady In My Life by Michael Jackson.

So this passed Tuesday, I wasn’t feeling too well. But it wasn’t anything serious. My throat was feeling a bit warm and I felt really weak and hungry, but I thought it was just the birth control I got back on (I have periods one day a month and that really bother’s Martin so he had me back on birth control in hopes to regulate the period, which didn’t work, but I decided to try it again anyway). We got to Cardio Kickboxing class and the warm up wasn’t so bad, it was just during the target practice where I felt really weak. Like my right hand was going to snap off every time I did a cross. Mr said I was being lazy, so I guess it showed, but really, I just felt really weak. My night wasn’t unusual, the birth control was making me nauseous so I went to bed, I felt okay when I went to bed…

Wednesday comes along, I woke up at like 5AM-ish with a fever, super achy and my throat felt swollen. It was hard and painful to swallow.

I stayed home on Wednesday and spent the day sleeping. I was miserable! I couldn’t stand sitting at the computer for more than 5 minutes at a time and I had an on and off fever. I hated how Martin couldn’t be there to take care of me because of my stupid OCD. When I’m sick, I usually just lock myself in my room and deal with it myself. OCD can really complicate things :(. Since I had on and off fevers, I decided to set an appointment for Thursday.

So Thursday I went to pick up Martin and headed to the hospital early since my appointment was at 10AM, I haven’t been up that early in long while. Which is sad, because 10AM isn’t really early. The doctor checked me out and said she didn’t see any puss pockets (which sounds gross, they couldn’t had called it something else? Something with a large name that makes you ask “what does that mean?” lol) so she did a swab test with me laying down, horrible. Then she printed out some papers saying I should gargle warm salt water, drink lots of fluids, eat soup, etc. and drop off the swab at the lab. So we did and we stopped by Safeway on the way home to get more soup, some salad mix, grabbed some chips for Martin and I got some ice cream. Yes, ice cream. I heard somewhere that eating ice cream when you have a sore throat is just as good as drinking something hot. And even if that’s wrong, the ice cream did make my throat feel better. MUCH better.

I spent the rest of Wednesday eating soup, drinking apple juice, napping on Martin and watching movies with him. I felt a little better, but not too much. I talked Martin into letting me take NyQuil before he left. NyQuil usually takes an hour to knock me out. A little after midnight, I was drowsy. I love being drowsy. Which is why Martin always puts up a fight when I want NyQuil, I’m easily addicted to medication and NyQuil is something he would rather me not take unless I absolutely needed it. I’ve been addicted to NyQuil before, because, as I said earlier… I love being drowsy and because I’m an insomniac. I have an extremely hard time sleeping.

I woke up this morning feeling worse than I did last night. And with a headache! Oh goodness how I hate waking up with headaches! Horrible! The good news is though, that it’s not Strep Throat. She said my sore throat may be caused by allergies but she didn’t see any when she checked my nose yesterday so it must be a virus that I just have to wait out. I took some Tylenol a few hours ago and took a nap, my headache is gone, thank goodness. But my throat is still bothering me. But I feel much much better today! Thank goodness!

I’m sick of being sick! It seems ever since Spring hit I’ve been getting sick every other week, literally. It’s so tiring. I take my Finding Nemo gummy vitamins, I don’t see why I keep getting sick :(. Hehe. Maybe Martin is right, maybe I should switch to something more adult (and boring) like One A Day. Once I kick whatever this is, I’m going to start taking more vitamins. I need to start taking Fish Oil, I had intended to a few years ago (I heard it helps with memory) but I also heard it tasted gross. Does that still apply to the gel tablets? Neka Zang (she plays the witch’s mother in the SF Wicked production, I’m a fan of hers and she’s such a sweet person!) insisted that they don’t taste like anything. So I’m gonna give it a try once I get better! I’ve been better at drinking more water, I’ve gone a few days last week without soda, I seriously do notice the difference! It’s amazing.

Sorry, I’m rambling :).

So, what are you trying to say? That my brain is… chemically imbalanced?! How does a brain become chemically imbalanced when nothing gets into the brain? At least, not physically.

Most people who suffer from mental illnesses don’t just suffer from one. But a string of them. Prior to dealing with OCD, I was struggling with depression. I suppose, if you think about it… a brain can become chemically imbalanced within time. Sort of like how a persons personality can reflect the things they’ve experienced in life. Both things aren’t physical, right?

I’ve read a few books on OCD; Brain Lock (which wasn’t very helpful and didn’t make much sense) and I had an OCD workbook. Like this one. This was prior to giving in and seeing a therapist. My mother always told me scary stories when I was younger about how they throw you into mental homes (she works in a mental home, ironic, isn’t it?) so naturally, I was afraid that’s what would happen. Even though legally, they can’t do that… right? Just a word of advice… self help books don’t work. They’re good to read, but don’t expect them to replace proper treatment.

Now that you know I’ve been diagnosed (twice, by two different therapist I may add) and have seen a therapist (who is amazing and I miss dearly). I have refused medication. I knew a girl, when I was in high school that took anti depressants for her depression. Unfortunately there isn’t a special OCD medicine, they give you anti depressants because they also act as anti anxiety medication. Yeah, I didn’t know that either! But anti depressants are not your friend, definitely, not.

To be honest, I don’t know where this blog is going… I’m just rambling… but its my blog, I think I have every right to ramble, don’t you ;)?

OCD is a disease that’s commonly looked over. Or made fun of. But to the people who suffer from it every single day, it isn’t a joke. Or something to make fun of. It’s a serious issue that unless you’re dealing with it, you’ll never know it’s intensity or pain.

When it was at its worse in 2006, I was constantly washing my hands. By constant, I mean maybe once every half hour. It didnt help much that I worked as a cashier. I obviously couldnt wash my hands every single time I did a cash transaction so I carried hand sanitizer in my pocket with me. Probably the worst idea ever. The constant hand washing and alcohol from the hand sanitizer successfully stripped my hands of all moisture. My hands were so dry and chapped that my finger tips were completely messed up. I couldnt touch silk or satin without my finger tips getting irritated, I couldnt even feel the fabric, at all from my messed up my finger tips were. I also started getting red itchy bumps (which I still get) and I’d scratch my hands until they bled, it drove me nuts.

I was at the hospital one day and me and my boyfriend (who’s now my husband) were in the pharmacy to pick up some medicine (I dont remember what I was there for, I’m going to get cough medicine since that year I got Strep Throat for the first time). We were standing in line and they had a tester bottle out for Glove in a Bottle. He read it and suggested I try it, but I refused. He went ahead and tried it himself and really liked it.

So the next time we went to the pharmacy (which wasnt until summer-ish 2007) he got me a small sample bottle thinking it would help dry hands.

I went from being a cashier to working in cash control for a theme park. If you dont know what cash control is, basically we handle all the cash and tickets that come into the park. So basically, its like a room full of cash. For someone who has OCD, it wasnt exactly hell but it was close to it. Everything in that room was dirty (but it did help me realize that I am capable of ignoring my OCD, I even threw out the trash a lot there, incredible)!

The site says:

When the natural oil is stripped from the outer layer of skin the moisture (water) quickly leaves the outer layer of skin leaving the skin dry, irritated, and itchy. Worse, the deeper layers of skin are left exposed to harsh damaging substances including detergents, solvents, cleaners, paint and thinners, gardening chemicals, dirt and grease, latex gloves and powder, etc.

This results in more dry, irritated, and itchy skin that becomes chapped, cracked and damaged.

Hand and skin lotions only replace natural oils with artificial ones. These offer temporary relief that does little to heal the skin. Regular use of lotions can actually cause the skin to produce less natural oils.

Gloves In A Bottle is a shielding lotion – it bonds with the outer layer of your skin and helps lock in your natural oils and moisture – the reason why dermatologists recommend Gloves as an effective dry skin treatment.

I would use this every single time I washed my hands after using the bathroom at work. It says its waterproof but I’d put it on again just in case.

The lotion is fairly thin and it absorbs quickly into your skin. It smells like glue on your hands, but after it absorbs, your hands do feel smoother and softer. After using this everyday for about two weeks, I was starting to see and feel major results. So I used it for a good amount of time, maybe six months or more. And it helped a lot! For one, my finger tips werent messed up anymore, I could finally touch silk and satin without them getting irritated and I could feel the fabric! That was the biggest thing about this to me, something so small as not being able to feel fabric is depressing, I’m so glad my husband found this for me!

If you’re like me and you feel you’ve stripped your hands of all its moisture or if your hands get really dry and chapped, I do highly highly recommend this lotion. Of all the lotions I’ve tried to heal my hands, this is my favorite one!

For more reviews on beauty products please visit my beauty blog here.

It’s been extremely cold here lately, and as much as I thought I’d finally love the weather, I kinda really havent been. All I’ve been wanting to do lately is just curl up under my fleece blankets and sleep!

I finally got to try on my wedding dress last week, I love it! The colors came out wonderful, I was scared the navy blue would be too dark… but it came out perfect. They pinned it up so they could make alterations and it should be done early next week. Martin found his tux, finally! His tux wont match my dress exactly, but whatever. There isnt time to worry about that right now. I have to send in the final agreement paper for the chapel today, I’m so nervous! I cant believe I’m actually getting married! That’s so insane to think about!

And I almost completely forgot about Christmas lol, it’s been a bit hectic around here so its only natural that I somehow forget about it. I have my Christmas presents ready to be wrapped, but I dont feel like I’m giving enough out. I hate that, I always have to buy people more than one gift all the time. I obviously havent had much time to think about gifts or to go get them. I hate how close the wedding is to Christmas, ruins the Christmas spirit! Haha. But I am glad I finally get my dream navy blue/silver wedding.

Finally changed my bed sheets to my happy snowmen fleece ones. I LOVE these sheets, they’re so… happy! And warm :) my OCD was acting up like crazy while I had to change them… but the process went smoothly, thank God. The only thing is… my snowmen are upside down lol! But its okay, I’ll deal. I started a new OCD blog, I dont know if I’ll post it up or not. But I’m going to try to keep up with it. I need to record my progress or lack of. I’ve become obsessed with figuring out how all of this works and why it happens.

Watched movies with Martin yesterday. Time always passes so fast when we’re together. We watched High School Musical 3 (I wanted to know what the big deal was and of course, my new celeb crush Zac, rawr lol), The Breakup (which didnt end the way I thought it would) and The Notebook was on tv, he tricked me! He knows that movie makes me sad (but its one of my all time fav movies and books). I love him, he’s always so sweet to me :)

Gotta go finish up some stuff before running errands! Oh how I cant wait til this hectic-ness is over!!

What bother’s me is that lately, my OCD has been acting up and getting weirder. This time last year, I wasnt this freaked out about it. I thought I was getting somewhere! Then it came back, twice as hard. It’s softened up a bit, but I guess the stress from the wedding and Martin’s situation is causing it to act up.

I’ve been sitting here for about five minutes trying to convince myself that my hands are not contaminated and they’re fine. And there’s no reason to go wash/disinfect them. Seriously, its not that serious. And its just ridiculous having to do this and having to go through this. It makes no sense and though I’m over being mad at the fact I have OCD, its just man… tiring.

Its tiring being worried about the craziest things that make no sense. Its tiring fighting the urge to wash my hands. It’s tiring trying to convince myself that its not dirty when clearly its not.

I use to be the chick who sat on the floor and on the sidewalk cause I hated sitting on chairs. I use to freely walk in my room with my socks and jeans on and not even care. I use to go straight to sleep after coming home from SF and being on BART that day. I use to be able to come home and go straight to sleep, period. Now I cant do any of those things. Ever. And after dealing with this for four years, its just. Tiring.

And yet, I’m still determined to fight this without medication. If my mind has the ability to be this strong to make me think these crazy thoughts then its just as strong to fight it off. And it will. Someday.

I hate dealing with OCD, its such a hassle. There’s a lot of simple things I cant do. Even in the comfort of my own home. Even in the comfort of my room. It’s insane. And it makes no sense, but I know even if I just say “oh fuck it” and just do it, the anxiety that comes after from knowing I did something I’m “not” suppose to do, is almost painful. I cant tell you how many break downs I’ve had just because I don’t remember if I vacuumed every single inch of my room and I end up avoiding that spot until I know I did. It’s such a struggle, its so exhausting to deal with. And I just wish, I didn’t have to.

But at the same time, I find it interesting. The types of OCD I let go of and the new ones that come. And I try to trace it back. What would make me think this. Is it bad to observe and experiment with yourself? What better subject, right? Haven’t figured it all out yet, but its a learning process. Everything in life is, and I’m the type of person who likes to pay close attention to it.

But for tonight, I’ll be upset and crazy because I’m stressed and I just came up with another compulsion. This is going to stop, someday.

Someday.