OCD « thisgirlispoison

I cant think of a cool title…

by zel

I dont have much to update on, but I figured I’ll write an entry while I finally have time to!

It’s been extremely cold here lately, and as much as I thought I’d finally love the weather, I kinda really havent been. All I’ve been wanting to do lately is just curl up under my fleece blankets and sleep!

I finally got to try on my wedding dress last week, I love it! The colors came out wonderful, I was scared the navy blue would be too dark… but it came out perfect. They pinned it up so they could make alterations and it should be done early next week. Martin found his tux, finally! His tux wont match my dress exactly, but whatever. There isnt time to worry about that right now. I have to send in the final agreement paper for the chapel today, I’m so nervous! I cant believe I’m actually getting married! That’s so insane to think about!

And I almost completely forgot about Christmas lol, it’s been a bit hectic around here so its only natural that I somehow forget about it. I have my Christmas presents ready to be wrapped, but I dont feel like I’m giving enough out. I hate that, I always have to buy people more than one gift all the time. I obviously havent had much time to think about gifts or to go get them. I hate how close the wedding is to Christmas, ruins the Christmas spirit! Haha. But I am glad I finally get my dream navy blue/silver wedding.

Finally changed my bed sheets to my happy snowmen fleece ones. I LOVE these sheets, they’re so… happy! And warm :) my OCD was acting up like crazy while I had to change them… but the process went smoothly, thank God. The only thing is… my snowmen are upside down lol! But its okay, I’ll deal. I started a new OCD blog, I dont know if I’ll post it up or not. But I’m going to try to keep up with it. I need to record my progress or lack of. I’ve become obsessed with figuring out how all of this works and why it happens.

Watched movies with Martin yesterday. Time always passes so fast when we’re together. We watched High School Musical 3 (I wanted to know what the big deal was and of course, my new celeb crush Zac, rawr lol), The Breakup (which didnt end the way I thought it would) and The Notebook was on tv, he tricked me! He knows that movie makes me sad (but its one of my all time fav movies and books). I love him, he’s always so sweet to me :)

Gotta go finish up some stuff before running errands! Oh how I cant wait til this hectic-ness is over!!

personal

2 Comments »

Damn OCD.

by zel

So I tried to do a book haul video, and since I was touching my books (which were packaged from Amazon.com and are fairly clean, dont you think?) I feel like my hands are contaminated and I feel like disinfecting them. My hands, not the books.

What bother’s me is that lately, my OCD has been acting up and getting weirder. This time last year, I wasnt this freaked out about it. I thought I was getting somewhere! Then it came back, twice as hard. It’s softened up a bit, but I guess the stress from the wedding and Martin’s situation is causing it to act up.

I’ve been sitting here for about five minutes trying to convince myself that my hands are not contaminated and they’re fine. And there’s no reason to go wash/disinfect them. Seriously, its not that serious. And its just ridiculous having to do this and having to go through this. It makes no sense and though I’m over being mad at the fact I have OCD, its just man… tiring.

Its tiring being worried about the craziest things that make no sense. Its tiring fighting the urge to wash my hands. It’s tiring trying to convince myself that its not dirty when clearly its not.

I use to be the chick who sat on the floor and on the sidewalk cause I hated sitting on chairs. I use to freely walk in my room with my socks and jeans on and not even care. I use to go straight to sleep after coming home from SF and being on BART that day. I use to be able to come home and go straight to sleep, period. Now I cant do any of those things. Ever. And after dealing with this for four years, its just. Tiring.

And yet, I’m still determined to fight this without medication. If my mind has the ability to be this strong to make me think these crazy thoughts then its just as strong to fight it off. And it will. Someday.

life

2 Comments »

OCD + stress.

by zel

Probably not a big huge secret but every time I stress, like really stress, my OCD goes up and I get more and more aware of things and the more I get aware the more my compulsions act up. It’s very, very, very frustrating. Especially when I think I have a good hold on them, something happens and they go up again. And its not even like one or two things, depending on how stressed up I am, it’ll be a BUNCH of things.

I hate dealing with OCD, its such a hassle. There’s a lot of simple things I cant do. Even in the comfort of my own home. Even in the comfort of my room. It’s insane. And it makes no sense, but I know even if I just say “oh fuck it” and just do it, the anxiety that comes after from knowing I did something I’m “not” suppose to do, is almost painful. I cant tell you how many break downs I’ve had just because I don’t remember if I vacuumed every single inch of my room and I end up avoiding that spot until I know I did. It’s such a struggle, its so exhausting to deal with. And I just wish, I didn’t have to.

But at the same time, I find it interesting. The types of OCD I let go of and the new ones that come. And I try to trace it back. What would make me think this. Is it bad to observe and experiment with yourself? What better subject, right? Haven’t figured it all out yet, but its a learning process. Everything in life is, and I’m the type of person who likes to pay close attention to it.

But for tonight, I’ll be upset and crazy because I’m stressed and I just came up with another compulsion. This is going to stop, someday.

Someday.

life