sad « thisgirlispoison

You are now invited to the other side of sanity

by zel

I miss being inspired.

I miss turning on my iTunes and having a song just completely sweep me away in a memory or a thought strong enough to get me to write. I miss having a list of things to blog about when I got home. I miss blogging. Really blogging. Really writing. It’s been years since something has really inspired me.

My mind feels like a constant hazy fog. I have bits and pieces of things I want to write about. But as soon as they come, they leave. It kind of feelings like ever since OCD hit really hard everything artistic about me just faded away. I don’t web design, I don’t graphic design, I don’t write. I don’t do anything. And I feel like all my efforts to get back into the things I loved doing, are effortless. It’s like something coming between me and my project. Like an invisible wall pushing me back.

I wanted to change that this year. And I still do, but I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to give up, but I feel so hopeless.

Then again it’s after midnight. Misery always comes after midnight…

personal

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The world has suddenly shifted….

by zel

It’s raining today, but it’s not the type of rain I grew use to.

Rain here is cold, ugly and for someone who anemic, pretty frustrating. While I was in Florida, I learned to love the rain. But the rain in Florida was drastically different. It was warm (we’d still keep the A/C running even during a storm warm), it was heavy, it came with amazing lightning and thunder so loud it sounded like the sky was literally cracking open. I loved being outside. I loved standing there, watching the flashes of lightning and counting the seconds between the sky cracking open. And when it was done , it left the air stuffy and so moist that if you rubbed your fingertips together you could feel small drops of water.

To go back to this type of rain; the cold and gloomy kind, is depressing.

Maybe I’m not making it any better by playing my Disney playlist on Spotify. Filled mostly with music that they played over and over at work. But right now, I would love nothing more than for it to be last year and for me to be sorting the charms table, stitching names on the back of hats and planning my getaway plan to get Earl of Sandwich for lunch.

Sometimes life gets in the way, sometimes things come up that cause you to put your dreams on hold. Sometimes you come home for a comfort that your core aches for and you realize that it’s gone, never to come back. And sometimes you just sit on the floor, not really sure what to do because suddenly the world feels so big and you feel so lost.

I can deal with missing Disney from this far away. I can deal with missing my friends. I can deal with missing my job. I can even deal with the fact that I’m so far away from a place that never fails to inspire or lift my spirits no matter what mood I’m in.

But dealing with being in a place where I came home to see a particular pretty face and knowing I never will? Is hard. Touching the spot in my room where she would set her paws, not really sure why she can’t come in, hoping that she left behind some hair… is hard.

Today, is hard.

life

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Good night Boq, rest in peace.

by zel

Earlier this week, I went to say good night to Boq (like I usually do, or usually try to). So I was calling his name and trying to wake him up… but he wasn’t waking up. So I lightly blew on him (he gets frazzled when you do things like that so I was trying to get his attention and try not to frazzle him) but he wasn’t waking up. He wasn’t moving. He wasn’t breathing. I started freaking out and ran upstairs to tell Martin who came down to check and Boq wasn’t breathing :(.

I couldn’t really figure out why he would suddenly just pass away. Before I left he was healthy and he was fine. Before I left, everything was fine. I didn’t know so much could change in 7 months. But I did notice when I got home he looked… different. He was a little bit more sketchy and his fur was a totally different color. I remember Martin said something about it and asked if their coats change, Robo’s coats don’t change. At least not like how Winter Whites do… and Boq’s coat hadn’t changed last Fall either. I didn’t want to think he was sick, because he is sketchy, it’s hard to handle him :(.

My mom got me Boq almost two years ago, after Martin left for Basic Training. I remember the day she got him, I was laying in bed waiting for a phone call I was pretty sure that wasn’t going to happen and I was so sad and so lonely. Seriously, the first week of your significant other leaving for the military sucks the most! Especially if you spent years with that person everyday before that. And my mom’s knocking on my door and I didn’t really feel like opening it but I thought maybe she had a letter… so I open the door and she has this excited look on her face and she’s holding my mice carry cage but there was a tiny Robo dwarf hamster inside. My mommy got me a hamster to keep me company! It seriously made the fact that Martin was gone easier, I spent a lot of time admiring the little guy! And it was so out of character for my mom, she always gets upset when I come home with a new hamster, so for her to come home with one for me, was really sweet. And I always wanted a Robo! But I don’t think I ever told her that, so it was even more sweet :).

Boq spent a lot of time with us in our room before we moved to Florida. I don’t remember why, but he relocated downstairs. It never seemed to bother him with my cat would sit in front of his cage and watch him. Or when the birds in the room would squawk. He was a brave little furball.

I think the part that sucks the most about this is that that’s two pets gone since we’ve come back. It’s getting heavy and depressing :(.

Good night Boq. Rest in peace. We miss you already <3.

personal

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Protected: My head is stuffy.

by zel

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I miss Meez.

by zel

The house is so quiet without her here anymore… I know it’s been a month since she’s been gone but, I don’t know. Some nights it just aches. Knowing I’ll never see her again or I’ll never cuddle with her, never have her follow me around when I’m scared. Just knowing she’ll never be here again. It just sucks.

And some nights I just miss her so badly.

I feel so guilty. Even though I know it’s not my fault. But I feel horrible knowing she would sit in front of my door waiting for me or that she was sad the weeks after we left for Florida and it sucks knowing I made her sad. I wish she knew I was coming back soon. I didn’t leave her forever.

I just wish she was here.

life

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