School has started. I’m excited for my Humanities class (even if the book is freakin $105) but a little worried. At least I have the next two weeks to focus on it before I have to go back to the Uni. Which screwed up our classes and some othe stuff. After that shit ass class though I’m glad we’re taking a break. So frustrating.

Besides that not much has been going on. I’m itching to go on some big huge shopping spree but even with money in my account I’m still hesitant to go shopping like I use to. I spent about 10 minutes trying to justify buying a book for $12. Which original price was like $16. I skipped on a MAC lipstick I really wanted (and it was the last one they had). And it’s just weird. Life without credit cards really changes you. And I mean I’m glad I’m more conscious of the things I buy but sometimes I just wanna go on a spree you know?

And because a blog is boring without pictures…

I finally tried those Luna Bar things and I’m obsessed with the Lemon Zest one. So good! And it has fiber and iron? YES! I’m also obsessed with the Hex Hall series. Demonglass was SO good. I’m excited for Spellbound (which comes out in March) but not because it’s the last in the series. Ho hum.

Went to Ikea with hubs. We were suppose to go jogging, but got a little side tracked. I love Ikea food! All this cost under $10.

Lucky me all these were on sale on Amazon for $8. The one on the far right (which is part of my 2012 Debut Author Challenge) is $18 originally so yay for that! I’m in the mood for light and quirky books/characters. Not much in the mood for heavy and gloomy novels right now. Maybe it’s because it’s Spring or because Valentines Day (my favorite holiday) is coming up but I just want to feel good right now.

I did manage to go a little shopping. I replaced my MAC Blacktrack gel eyeliner since the one I had was about 2 years old. I also got a purple one because I can’t seem to find a good purple liner. I have a thing for gel liners. They’re easier to apply but I hate struggling to take them off. Can’t win them all. I’m a sucker for Essie polish these days (the one on the left I’m wearing now, I love teal!) and I’m also a sucker for Nicki Minaj lol.  I have a thing for OPI mini’s. I hardly ever finish a bottle of nail polish so it just makes sense for me to get mini’s, esp when it comes to OPI since they’re not really my go to polish brand.

Lately I’ve been trying to rebuild a lost friendship… but it’s not really going too well. I don’t think he appreciates my “random questions game” too much. And it’s just… weird. Like, at one point of our lives we were BEST FRIENDS and there was nothing I could say to him that would make me feel awkward around him. We had that comfortable silence thing going on too and he was just, I don’t know, the greatest guy friend a person could ask for. And maybe dating him was a horrible idea but we were probably even closer after. And I don’t know, one day he just dropped me. Out of nowhere. I remember asking him a few years back what happened and he told me distance. But that didn’t really make sense considering I was always here and he was always there. So what gives?

So more years pass and I got the hint he just didn’t want to talk to me anymore so I left it alone and life moved in anyway. There were times within the last 6 years that I tried picking things back up again but each time it was always the same, I got the feeling he didn’t want to talk to me or he just blew me off. So I gave up. I didn’t talk to him for a whole year. No comments, no happy birthday, nothing. And I don’t know, I move back home and I just missed him. Sent him a message and got no reply. Attempted to talk to him on AIM the last few days and I don’t know, he says it’s been a long time and it has been. A very long time. But I don’t know, it just seems like he doesn’t really care. So why should I spend my time trying to rebuild a friendship that the other person doesn’t really care about anymore?

I get that friendships need effort to work, but it shouldn’t take this much effort just to get him to talk to me. I just needed to get that out. He doesn’t owe me his friendship and I’m not expecting him to just drop back into being my best friend or anything. I don’t really know what I’m expecting. Something and nothing at the same time. I just had to get that off my chest.

I’m lucky to have the husband I have. He knows how much this whole thing bothers me and even though I think he thinks he should be iffy about it, he’s not. He talks to me about it and he listens.

People change, but memories don’t.

Sometimes I wish they did.

So why don’t I turn off the light?

I can’t sleep in the dark.

Even in my apartment, I would leave the closet light on. I need light, somewhere. This use to bother my husband, but he’s grown use to it. What a good sport!

So anyway, the last time I went to the doctor to get my ears flushed, they mentioned you could easily do this at home. Here’s the deal with my husband and someone saying “you can do this at home”, he’ll do it. He will watch very carefully, ask questions and then, attempt to do it at home. I seemed to have missed this considering the assistant was flushing my ear while telling him this and it was a glob of earwax that was not coming out. I was too focused on how squishy the inside of my ear sounded.

So, it’s now that time of the year again (I really should do this twice a year to prevent my right ear epic build up) where I need to flush my ears. So husband got an earwax removal kit. Oh.

Here’s the difference between this and what I’m use to. When I call the hospital to set a flushing appointment, they tell me I need to “prep” with drops. So I skip it and I just spring it on them after a check up or something and I don’t use the drops. They just go straight to the flushing. Well, with the home kit, there’s drops and for some reason, this freaks me the fuck out. I read reviews and I have a blogger friend who does this and they say you’ll here “fizzing” and “popping” which means the solution is working then you flush. I’ll hear WHAT and WHAT? Hell no.

So last night I decided to skip the drops and go straight to the flushing. It wasn’t that bad but it sure didn’t help either. Like, at all. My blogger friend even commented that I was brave for attempting such a thing and assured me (again) the drops were the easy part. So later today, we’ll attempt the drops then the flushing. But let me tell you, I’m not excited.

In other news, I finally tried these Luna bars everyone’s talking about. I was interested mostly because it has two things I look for: Iron and Fiber. So if you could wrap that in something delicious, I’m all for it. I didn’t want to buy a box of just one flavor, so thankfully I found a box of mini’s with two flavors I was looking into: Lemon Zest and White Chocolate Macadamia. Plus they’re mini’s and I have this theory… everything tastes better when it’s mini. Mini cupcakes, mini macarons, mini M&M’s, mini Pepsi bottles… maybe it’s because I’m small and I like to appreciate the smaller products? Or maybe I just like feeling like I actually finished my food. Who knows.

Out of the two, I freakin LOVE Lemon Zest the best! It totally curbs my candy cravings too. Another thing I’m pretty darn obsessed with? The Hex Hall series by Rachel Hawkins! I just finished Demonglass yesterday and I’m just a ball of “OMFGCALOMFGARCHER” right now. I’m sad that Spellbound doesn’t come out until March and that it’s the end of Sophie’s story. This series is awesome. Sophie is such a sarcastic and funny character!

And in other-other news, Itotallythoughtschoolstartedtodaybutitdidn’t. Yeah, oops. Woke up at 8am for nothing. But at least I did get my Panera Bread souffle and the day felt pretty darn long. I also got a Mochalatta Chill and got to take a nap. So I guess it was pretty worth it :) haha!

UoP is driving me insane. My learning team sucks, it’s always just me and this other girl who is doing all the talking and doing all the stuff for the paper. The other 3 people take turns disappearing off the face of the planet or they respond like half an hour before the paper is due. Gee, thanks guys. The teacher blows too. She never responds to you and she’s skipped over my discussion question points several times. Seriously? You see all the responses from people, how do you not see WHAT they’re responding to!? ARGH. Fuckin… argh.

Last week was pretty hectic. A lot of stuff happened that I don’t really feel like talking about here. But it’s changed some things, in a good way. I wish I could talk about it, but I’m very protective over the subject and it’s not like anyone would understand either.

I guess I don’t like being here in CA because everyone knows who I am, not who I am, but certain personal things about me. But only because I grew up here and people know my family type thing. I guess I liked it better in FL cause I could be anyone, with any sort of past or no past at all and no one would know the difference. Sometimes life’s just better pretending.

Anyway, it always amazes me how quickly the class always goes by! We’re working on Stress and Time Management, which is probably my favorite subject. I soak up stress like a sponge. I get all the nifty physical sicknesses and pains. We did this “stress test” and I scored a 175 which is in the middle, but I mean… a lot of things (like for example; debt) wasn’t on the list. Martin scored 67 LOL! And the highest score was Calvin at 670.

We also did two presentations! Yes, not one but two. The first one was on 10 things you do to relieve stress and we were broken up into groups of 3 and one group of 2. The married couples had to break up. But I kinda liked working with the people I worked with, it was a nice change. The second presentation was on creating a healthy meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

The first presentation I was nervous but not that nervous. I’m trying to talk more in class just to get use to it, cause I know I have to learn how. The second presentation, I wasn’t as nervous as I was with the first one. As soon as I got up there the nervousness stopped. Which was pretty cool. And of course when I got back to my seat, I got a big hug from Martin :).

We went to get dinner at the cafe and I swear. They take forever to get you a cup of soup and a freakin bagel! I mean, come on. How do you make an entire sandwich before getting a cup of soup? It’s so freakin irritating. We were waiting for about 20 minutes and we were late for class by 10 minutes. For a bagel and soup. I mean, seriously? I’ll go get a freakin bagel and soup to go at Panera Bread if that’s the case! Geez.

So we’re down to two weeks left… I’m a bit sad. I like our class and I like our teacher. Overall, I’m really enjoying UoP :).

Where I’m suppose to be, where I want to be, who I want to be, who I’m suppose to be…. I look back on everything and everything behind me is either blank or a mess. I never pictured my life to turn out this way. I never pictured to be 24, still living at home with no job, no career, no degree and a crazy amount of debt. Oh and married. Never pictured I’d be married.

Then again, at 16 all I could imagine was how wonderful it would be to just end it all. How free I’d feel to finally leave this toxic world behind.

So I guess, I really had no plan. Unless to not live anymore is considered a plan.

When I was graduating high school, I knew what I wanted to be. Plain and simple. A pastry chef. My whole life I was always amazed by food, by cute pastries and pretty designs on cakes. I’ve been collecting cook books since I was a child and I’d flip through the pages and pretend I made what was on those pages. And when I graduated high school and enrolled myself into culinary school with no second thought about it… I thought my dreams were finally going to come true.

But they didn’t. And this, my friends, is life.

I did well while in culinary school. I had never baked anything that wasn’t instant in my life prior. I would actually wake up at 4AM, grab a Cafe Mocha with 3 shots of caramel and a doughnut ball pyramid drizzled in chocolate sauce from Starbucks every morning (thank the God’s there was a Starbucks downstairs), get to class chanting what the fuck am I doing here, I can’t do this, I can’t do this the rest of the day. And at the end of the day, I would get an A on every single cake I made. And there was my loving boyfriend, who didn’t really get why I was there but he would wake up some days at 4AM with me, fall asleep at Starbucks and make sure to wake up during my lunch then back to Starbucks when I was back in class. And though he didn’t get it, he supported me through it. He tried all of my cakes and he encouraged me to keep going. And without that, I don’t think I would had made it as far as I did.

But that was five years ago. And I still can’t believe it’s been that long. And he still doesn’t think I was meant to be a chef in this life (in the nicest way possible of course) but he strongly believes I was meant to be a journalist. Every time I tell him I’m going to change my major (from Accounting, to Psychology, to Business, to Oceanology, to History to Web Design… I’ve changed my majors a lot) he gives me this look and he goes off talking about how wonderful my writing is and how I should write. I should quit wasting time with things that I know I won’t be good at (in the nicest way possible) and just go with what I obviously have talent in – writing.

And yes, I could do that and yes I do want to do that… but I feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions. There’s so much I want to learn, to do. And I feel like I don’t have much time to do any of it. I want to own a cupcakery one day. I want to work with live theater (I want to be in live theater but let’s face it, there’s no way I can convince you that I’m made for it in this lifetime, sadly lol), I want to be a journalist. I want to be in business. I want to own my own business, wait I guess that goes under cupcakery doesn’t it… I want to be a photographer. I want to live in Nevada and Washington and Alaska and Italy and New York…! I want to write for a food magazine. I want to excel in something, anything and be known for it. I want to be a psychologist. I want to change peoples lives who suffer from OCD. I want to make a difference.

And I don’t know where I should go. Or what I should do. I’m hoping that the next two years I’m going to spend (finally) getting my GE done will give me time to think things through, to come up with a destination.

The only disappointment about this is that, I’m turning 25 this year and I told myself I’d get my degree by 25 and I did try, and it just didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. I shouldn’t be too upset right? Life doesn’t really start until you’re 30 anyway, I don’t see why I’m so hell bent on making a life for myself before 30.

But this is life. It’s not perfect. It’s not what you’ve always dreamed of. And it certainly does not go the way you’ve planned, most of the time. The most you can do, is make what you can with what you’re getting. Because everything that does happen in your life. Happens for a reason. You may not get what the reason is right now, but some day, it’ll all make sense.

::sigh:: back to the drawing board….

I’ve been obsessed with “I’ll Forgive You” by Bobby Valentino && “Jai Ho!” by Pussycat Dolls (thanks to my bestie!). Seriously, only things I listen to. Oh and “Last Chance” by Ginuwine annnnd I found my favorite version of Mambo, Italiano. So that was pretty exciting. Dont you just hate when you love hard to find songs? It gets a bit frustrating at times.

I havent had much to blog about… life isnt to exciting these days…

I finally paid off my school fee’s the other day. That I owed from last semester. I know. Walking away saying “I’m not paying” probably isnt the best way to go LOL. So I went and paid that off & I signed up for summer school classes. I’m listed for the one I wanted and I’m wish listed on the other one I want… I know I should take some GE, but I’m too scared to, to be honest! I’m horrible when it comes to college. But I’m determined to make things right (dont I say that every semester? Hopefully I mean it this time…) even if it means asking Bernard for help/studying in his living room. I’m sure he wont mind!

Oh! The other day I gave in and I GOT WICKED TICKETS!!!!!!!!! I got the day, time and price I wanted! So I’m pretty excited about that!!

Downside of the week/end? A second credit card got its limit lowered. I was starting to think I did something wrong til Sammie sent me an article about how 1 in 6 american’s are dealing with this problem (but it happened to me twice, wtf?!). So I’m not too worried about it. It just sucks they switched my limit in the middle of my billing cycle, so its “over”. Even though I didnt receive this letter they speak of. Its funny how they can email you offers and coupons but they snail mail you the important shit like oh, I dont know… lowering your credit limit?! Gee, thanks.

Yesterday I gave in and ended up buying the Gossip Girl season finale. I told myself I was gonna watch Season 1 and watch Season 2 when it comes out and wait to watch the finale then, but everyone was talking about it so I just gave in and watched it. And I really liked it! Blair and Chuck are the hottest couple ever!

Screw Edward Cullen, I need me a Chuck Bass!!!

Me and the bestie were talking last night. And I was saying “I like when a guy does you wrong then runs back saying how much they need you and how sorry they are, then does it again and creates this endless heartbreaking cycle” and she was like “oh, you mean a-holes?” and I was like “YES! I LOVE THAT!” hahahhaa. Its true, guys are attracted to beezy’s and girls are attracted to a-holes! Maybe that’s why I was so stuck on CJ (sorry CJ, but you know its true. You were a total a-hole but its okay I still *heart* you LOL). Maybe the reason for me is different than everyone else. I dont take a lot of things seriously, and I dont know, I just love when they run back and admit how wrong they were and how they realize how important you are to them. Just the messed up-ness of it all. Is hot haha. Plus nothings better than making up after breaking up. Right?! Sometimes I think I should still be going around making mistakes instead of being with one person for so long. But at the same time, I think I’ve done enough damage to my name lol. Besides, I would really miss Martin. Which kinda makes me gag to actually say that. I know, I know. We’ve been together for five years and I’m still super anti-relationship-ish. Crazy, I know.

Totally off subject, but I’ve been super addicted to ELF lately. Like, as soon as I got hooked on their Studio Brushes, I’ve been making orders from them like crazy! But then I always get those 50% off codes and stuff, so that might be why. They released a new collection, I forgot what its called… Sugar Kiss or something? I wish they’d add more things to their Studio Collection! I hope they do! I finally found the lipstick color I’ve been searching high and low for at MAC (it isnt the exact one since the one I had wasnt MAC, but it matches from what I remember) and I got a Paint Pot, just to see what its all about. I didnt get the one that I assumed I’d get, but its okay.

That’s about all thats been goin on!

Anyway, after that we headed to Valley Fair. Went to Bare Escentuals first and I got those eye make up remover q-tips ($5! I’ve been missing out!) finally!! I found them!! Thanks Sammie! Haha. And I also finally got my brush for my crease. Yay! We also got a free sample of Hydrating Mineral Veil. I’m excited to try it since my skin is always so dry. After that, we headed to the food court to get something to eat. Then to Nordstroms, then to Lush (and she gave me half of her Honey I Shrunk the Kids soap! Aww, how sweet!) then to MAC (didnt get anything, booo) and a few other stores… then to Sephora (didnt get anything there either… booo!) after Valley Fair I brought her to Pinkberry. Tried to find somewhere to have dinner and decided on Quickly’s back in Daly City.

So we headed out to Daly City and walked over to Chase then to Avon (which was closed, darn) and stopped by this little Asian store and got some gummy choco’s and some dried octopus legs, yum! Quicklys was pretty good, they had a large selection and their bento boxes were pretty good. And they had Udon! Haha. After that we dropped Sammie off and headed home. Me & Martin stayed up wayyy too late the night before so we were both really tired by the middle of the day LOL. Like, I was getting super sleepy. And it was hot, so I guess that didnt help either!

I got home and made a video of me opening my gift since Sammie wanted me to and OMGGGG. OMG! OMG OMG! Haha. She gave me so much stuff!!! I’ll take pictures of everything and post it later, but OMG! I think my favorite part of it all was the note on the Serendipity napkin (the only free part haha, sorry chick!). It was sweet! But I did LOVE everything she gave me! OMG haha. My battery died before I got to the last part of the gift and of course, you cant remake opening a gift video! Haha. So its okay! I’ll just post the last part in pictures. But aww, I feel so spoiled! Thanks Sammie!!!

I went to bed early last night cause my allergies were kicking my ass. I woke up feeling like shit still, ugh. My throat hurts, I’m all sniffly and its HOT!!! Having massive allergies with flu like symptoms and it being hot is never a good thing. Then again, I always get sick in the summer.

Today I plan to clean my room and fix up my web page, this project is so damn discouraging.

I need to figure out school stuff too, and I’m so scared I’m making the wrong choice all the time, dont you hate when that happens? *siiiigh*.