struggles « thisgirlispoison

All the right friends & all the right places…

by zel

2012, you’re lonely.

Right now last year, I wanted to scream I love my life loud enough for everyone to hear. Hardly feel that way right now. It’s crazy, isn’t it? How much can change is 365 days. How you can go from the best days of your life and suddenly to the lowest. Things are difficult here, I wish I could say more because I could use encouraging words, but I don’t know. I just don’t feel right talking about it. I guess not right now. But maybe some day, you know, when it doesn’t really matter anymore.

Other than that, I failed my first class in the last year and a half and I’m pretty much kicking myself for it. It wasn’t that I didn’t try, it was that the instructor was horrible. I worked harder in this class than I ever had in the last year and a half only to completely fail. And it’s such a crappy feeling. Knowing you spent SO much time and effort just to make it seem like you didn’t do crap. Kinda makes you wish you didn’t do crap, maybe my feelings wouldn’t be so hurt right now. I want to fight the case. I’m not one to complain much or report anyone, ever. But really, if she doesn’t care enough to teach a class maybe she should leave and give the job to someone who will actually give a fuck. I’m just sayin.

… I need some positive points here.

Five kittens moved in about a month ago, after some unexpected accident happened. Like literally, that day. Just out of nowhere I see five kittens and their mom. And the kittens were jumping around, playing and napping in our grass. Like they live here! Well, a month later and… they’re still doing the same thing. We don’t mind so much, it’s nice having cats around again. People are saying our babygirl who passed sort of recently sent them. But five? What is she trying to say? There’s one that acts just like her. Really. It’s insane.

[ T-B, L-R: BeJeweled, my current obsession, hubs feeding ducks, obsession #2 & kittens ]

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hello

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Confessions of a… readaholic?

by zel

When I was little, I was obsessed with reading and when I got a little bit older, writing. I have always been a pretty fast reader and I’ve always enjoyed reading books (I always thought I got it from my mom, she’s as much of a bookworm as I am… or rather, I’m as much as she is… whatever), so much in fact that at a few points of my life, reading books for pleasure has gotten in the way of my studies.

To be honest, the only school issued book you can stick in front of me that may tempt me to read it over a book of my choice is a History book. As much as I love reading, I absolutely love History as well. Historical Fiction? My idea of heaven!

In high school, when I got kicked out and started going to Peoples, I started reading books again. So as soon as I was done with my work, I’d pull out a book or my notebook and write if I wasn’t reading. In fact, most of them when I pulled out either a book or my journal, was the time that Martin was most likely to bother me. He knew I was concentrating on something and would constantly bother me! It drove me crazy! But honestly, I think I did it more often than I normally would because I liked his attention :)

Over the last few years, I haven’t had much time to read. And I regretted it. I missed reading. Between summer of 2008 (when I left Six Flags) and recently, the only books I read were the Twilight series. I seriously didn’t have time to read, but I bought a lot of books within that time.

Up until recently, I started reading again. I don’t have a lot of time to play video games (or patience) and I wanted to get my To-Be-Read pile down and I discovered Sweep. So, I started reading again and I stumbled on a whole blogger community FULL of book bloggers! Imagine my excitement!

Which brings me to the point of this entry… I hate to admit this but, reading books has once again gotten in the way of my studies. Instead of doing homework, I sit here reading my books, browsing blogger book blogs, on goodreads.com… now that I’m older, it’s up to me to focus on what’s more important. My mom can’t yell at me for not doing my homework anymore, I’m on my own. And that’s what makes this so much more harder! I suck at making the right decisions!

Side note: I think it’s funny that still to this day, Martin usually bothers me when I pull out a book. But instead of poking and asking me random questions, he’s hugging and kissing me and trying to catch my attention lol!

Admitting these problems to Martin is going to force me to make some changes I won’t like. My mom may not be able to yell at me anymore, but my husband is much harder to defy than my mother was!

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A week full of struggles.

by zel

I won’t be doing much of an update for this week because it wasn’t really a happy one. It was full of stress and surprise payments and money-related issues. Just when I thought it was going to get better, it got just a little worse.

I ended up breaking down at the mall yesterday, and I hate crying in public. I hate when people even just glance in my direction. It makes me want to punch faces. Everything is just so… hard and frustrating right now and it’s one of those times when I wish life would just come with answers. But it’s me we’re talking about, when am I not struggling with something. I should be use to this by now, and maybe sometimes I am, maybe it’s why I’m sitting here today with a smile on my face even though just yesterday I felt like exploding.

My husband. My dear darling husband.

He wasn’t as understanding as he usually is yesterday, he was stressed out himself and he doesn’t talk much of his feelings so I had no idea why he felt the way he felt until we talked about it last night. In fact, we spent 3 hours talking about it. Which really isn’t that new, for some reason we talk best after 10PM. He was telling me what he’s been stressing about lately and what he’s been struggling with lately as well. Something I don’t really like talking about because it scares me. It’s nothing bad, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway if I told you.

We talked a bit about my OCD. I was saying how I’m not strong enough right now to fight it. Stress makes it worse and right now with all I’m stressing about, there’s no way I’d be able to control my OCD when my mind is in a million other directions. He says that maybe I just don’t want to get rid of it. I can’t deny, maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just so use to it by now that I don’t mind it. When I should. Obviously in the last 6 years I wasn’t “ready” to fight it either, so what about 6 years from now? Will I still not be “ready”? What about 10 years from now? Will my husband and children have to tip toe around mommy’s OCD? I want a normal life, or at least, what normal life I had before OCD (reminds of this Wicked line: “She’s stripped the munchkins of our rights! And we didn’t have that many to begin with!”).

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xoxo

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You know the rain won’t last forever…

by zel

I try to stay positive online. I try to keep my blog entries positive, my tweets, everything. I spend a lot of time online and as long as I appear to be positive, I can be.

I use to be one of those people who’d constantly be angry and sad or irritated at something, anything and I just don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to seem anything like that person anymore because I don’t believe I am that person.

I’ve let go of a lot of things in my past that has kept me down. I’ve forced myself to forget a lot of things that make me angry or sad. I’ve stopped wondering why that happened to me because sitting here being upset or sad over something that’s already happened is pointless. Something that I know the people who have done to me won’t give me an answer to because they’ve forgotten that they’ve hurt me. So why should I spend all my time worried about it? There are some things in life that just happen. The most you can do about it is take what has happened to you and turn it into an experience. Learn something from it. Grow stronger from it.

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