Right now last year, I wanted to scream I love my life loud enough for everyone to hear. Hardly feel that way right now. It’s crazy, isn’t it? How much can change is 365 days. How you can go from the best days of your life and suddenly to the lowest. Things are difficult here, I wish I could say more because I could use encouraging words, but I don’t know. I just don’t feel right talking about it. I guess not right now. But maybe some day, you know, when it doesn’t really matter anymore.

Other than that, I failed my first class in the last year and a half and I’m pretty much kicking myself for it. It wasn’t that I didn’t try, it was that the instructor was horrible. I worked harder in this class than I ever had in the last year and a half only to completely fail. And it’s such a crappy feeling. Knowing you spent SO much time and effort just to make it seem like you didn’t do crap. Kinda makes you wish you didn’t do crap, maybe my feelings wouldn’t be so hurt right now. I want to fight the case. I’m not one to complain much or report anyone, ever. But really, if she doesn’t care enough to teach a class maybe she should leave and give the job to someone who will actually give a fuck. I’m just sayin.

… I need some positive points here.

Five kittens moved in about a month ago, after some unexpected accident happened. Like literally, that day. Just out of nowhere I see five kittens and their mom. And the kittens were jumping around, playing and napping in our grass. Like they live here! Well, a month later and… they’re still doing the same thing. We don’t mind so much, it’s nice having cats around again. People are saying our babygirl who passed sort of recently sent them. But five? What is she trying to say? There’s one that acts just like her. Really. It’s insane.

[ T-B, L-R: BeJeweled, my current obsession, hubs feeding ducks, obsession #2 & kittens ]

This is pretty much 2012 so far. I’ve been playing a lot of Bejeweled Blitz on my new iPhone (how did I ever survive without one?! I know, I feel like such a sell out but OMG the things you can do with this thing!!). I’m starting to think that you can’t exceed a certain score on phones… Cinnabon and I have rekindled our relationship. I finally hit green status on my Starbucks card and haven’t bought anything since because I can not get enough of these damn Mochalatta Chill’s! Why did I ever stop drinking them?!

I’m set to discover new places in Northern California. Mostly because I’m tired of going to the same places over and over and because I want to vlog about something interesting. The place where husband is feeding the ducks is AMAZING and I can’t believe I’ve never been there (drove passed it for years though)!! It’s relaxing, quiet and they sell these little take out boxes for $1.95 filled with food (like corn and stuff) to feed the ducks!

I’ve discovered Snapea Crisps. Husband actually went out to get me more one day after I finished the last bag. He couldn’t find the exact bag so he got me these, two bags of them. They’re SO much better! It’s sweet the things he’ll do just because I’m craving (: he also got me a Mochalatta Chill the other day while he was out looking for his Turtle Beach headset for his game. And this was after he dropped off lunch for me (: and a picture of the kittens. The one on the far left is “MeanSauce” who acts like our babygirl and the one sneaking away is the runt. He has a nook, that he never leaves.

I keep telling myself to clean and sort and purge things. Then I tell myself again the next day. Then get frustrated because nothing’s done and tell myself again. I blame OCD, seriously, with this cold weather I don’t want to wash my hands 100 times.

The SOPA blackout protest is tomorrow, who’s participating? I AM!!! Going to (hopefully) get to that cleaning and sorting stuff. Maybe crochet a bit, catch up on some reading (I hope to read 50 books this year), maybe take a nap… does playing Bejeweled count? I really hope not…

Off to fill in my new 2012 calender (:

When I was little, I was obsessed with reading and when I got a little bit older, writing. I have always been a pretty fast reader and I’ve always enjoyed reading books (I always thought I got it from my mom, she’s as much of a bookworm as I am… or rather, I’m as much as she is… whatever), so much in fact that at a few points of my life, reading books for pleasure has gotten in the way of my studies.

To be honest, the only school issued book you can stick in front of me that may tempt me to read it over a book of my choice is a History book. As much as I love reading, I absolutely love History as well. Historical Fiction? My idea of heaven!

In high school, when I got kicked out and started going to Peoples, I started reading books again. So as soon as I was done with my work, I’d pull out a book or my notebook and write if I wasn’t reading. In fact, most of them when I pulled out either a book or my journal, was the time that Martin was most likely to bother me. He knew I was concentrating on something and would constantly bother me! It drove me crazy! But honestly, I think I did it more often than I normally would because I liked his attention :)

Over the last few years, I haven’t had much time to read. And I regretted it. I missed reading. Between summer of 2008 (when I left Six Flags) and recently, the only books I read were the Twilight series. I seriously didn’t have time to read, but I bought a lot of books within that time.

Up until recently, I started reading again. I don’t have a lot of time to play video games (or patience) and I wanted to get my To-Be-Read pile down and I discovered Sweep. So, I started reading again and I stumbled on a whole blogger community FULL of book bloggers! Imagine my excitement!

Which brings me to the point of this entry… I hate to admit this but, reading books has once again gotten in the way of my studies. Instead of doing homework, I sit here reading my books, browsing blogger book blogs, on goodreads.com… now that I’m older, it’s up to me to focus on what’s more important. My mom can’t yell at me for not doing my homework anymore, I’m on my own. And that’s what makes this so much more harder! I suck at making the right decisions!

Side note: I think it’s funny that still to this day, Martin usually bothers me when I pull out a book. But instead of poking and asking me random questions, he’s hugging and kissing me and trying to catch my attention lol!

Admitting these problems to Martin is going to force me to make some changes I won’t like. My mom may not be able to yell at me anymore, but my husband is much harder to defy than my mother was!

I ended up breaking down at the mall yesterday, and I hate crying in public. I hate when people even just glance in my direction. It makes me want to punch faces. Everything is just so… hard and frustrating right now and it’s one of those times when I wish life would just come with answers. But it’s me we’re talking about, when am I not struggling with something. I should be use to this by now, and maybe sometimes I am, maybe it’s why I’m sitting here today with a smile on my face even though just yesterday I felt like exploding.

My husband. My dear darling husband.

He wasn’t as understanding as he usually is yesterday, he was stressed out himself and he doesn’t talk much of his feelings so I had no idea why he felt the way he felt until we talked about it last night. In fact, we spent 3 hours talking about it. Which really isn’t that new, for some reason we talk best after 10PM. He was telling me what he’s been stressing about lately and what he’s been struggling with lately as well. Something I don’t really like talking about because it scares me. It’s nothing bad, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway if I told you.

We talked a bit about my OCD. I was saying how I’m not strong enough right now to fight it. Stress makes it worse and right now with all I’m stressing about, there’s no way I’d be able to control my OCD when my mind is in a million other directions. He says that maybe I just don’t want to get rid of it. I can’t deny, maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just so use to it by now that I don’t mind it. When I should. Obviously in the last 6 years I wasn’t “ready” to fight it either, so what about 6 years from now? Will I still not be “ready”? What about 10 years from now? Will my husband and children have to tip toe around mommy’s OCD? I want a normal life, or at least, what normal life I had before OCD (reminds of this Wicked line: “She’s stripped the munchkins of our rights! And we didn’t have that many to begin with!”).

I hate that he has to suffer with me, in his own way. I hate that he can’t come in my room because of my OCD, I hate that I can’t be the person he fell in love with because my OCD took over. I hate that when we’re on vacation I give him restrictions. Or I get grumpy when he does something slightly “wrong”. He knew the problem with my hands was eczema. I didn’t know it. I had hopes that it wasn’t and it was just something that would go away eventually. But it’s not, its eczema. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hopeless before. The dry itches on my hands won’t ever go away. I’m going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Right now, I have scabs all over my fingers from scratching them in my sleep. And it’s because of my OCD. I wish I could had controlled it more before damaging my hands…

I love him for being so understanding and patient. I love him for finding out that long tight hugs make anxiety go away faster on the days when I feel like my heart is going to explode from anxiety. I love that even though he hates my OCD, it doesn’t stop him from trying to help me get better. I love that he supports me, through anything and everything. I lovelovelove that he encourages and pushes me to write and read everyday. That when I get too lazy to do my blogging assignments, he’ll turn off the tv and make me write my assignments because he knows this is what I want to do. I love that he tries to make me smile and laugh when I’m crying my eyes out. Even if it means that when I laugh I spit snot at him. I love that he listens to me when I tell him my wishlist when it comes to books or makeup. I love that on the days when I’m reading a book he always wants me to read to him, even if he has no idea what the book is about or anything. Just so he could be doing something with me.

In a week or a month or a year or even in a few years of nothing but struggles and stress, he makes everything better. It doesn’t matter what life throws at us anymore, as long as I have him I know I’ll be okay. I couldn’t ask for a more amazing, loving and selfless person to spend my life with. I just wish I could be as selfless as he is and support him the way he supports me. But I’m thankful that he loves me for what I can give him even if it’s not as much as he gives me.

I love you dope friend, we’ll be okay. Cause you know… life can’t suck forever right? :)

I use to be one of those people who’d constantly be angry and sad or irritated at something, anything and I just don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to seem anything like that person anymore because I don’t believe I am that person.

I’ve let go of a lot of things in my past that has kept me down. I’ve forced myself to forget a lot of things that make me angry or sad. I’ve stopped wondering why that happened to me because sitting here being upset or sad over something that’s already happened is pointless. Something that I know the people who have done to me won’t give me an answer to because they’ve forgotten that they’ve hurt me. So why should I spend all my time worried about it? There are some things in life that just happen. The most you can do about it is take what has happened to you and turn it into an experience. Learn something from it. Grow stronger from it.

With that said, I do try to be bubbly and happy and positive. But sometimes, stress just gets to me. It creeps up and bites me when I least expect it and I take it out on the people around me. And in the last few months, I haven’t been as positive or as happy as I could be. I know I’ve been snapping at my husband a lot more, I’ve been throwing tantrums and I’ve been grumpy. And I hate that I have been. I hate being stressed out. I hate the headaches and migraines. I hate the anxiety and I hate getting sick from how stressed out I’ve been.

I feel like all the weight is on me. And maybe because it is. I’m the one who has to figure out a way out of this situation. I’ve given in to the thought of Debt Consolidation because I can not go on with this struggle on my own. When your minimum payments hit well over $300 for just one credit card, that’s when you realize you’re swimming a pool of doom. My mom wasn’t too happy about this idea, I suppose and having to deal with her about it was not helping my stress. I am not in favor of the idea of bankruptcy.

My brother always hated that I never looked at the bigger picture when I was younger. I always focused on right now. What would be a great solution for right now. And it would always bite me in the ass later. I feel like my husband and my mother aren’t looking at the bigger picture. I think bankruptcy would have the ability to screw us over in the long run. Not to mention that filing for bankruptcy means giving up the chance to join the military and that is not what I intend to do.

I’m the type of person who’s always looking for new experiences. For new hobbies. New interests. New things. I like flipping my life upside down, inside out and spinning it around. I get bored of things too quickly and I always want something new. Maybe that’s why I stick to paid blogging even though it’s not going where I want it to go or as quick as I want it to because finding these new blogs, communities and companies is new. It’s new without being brand new but its enough to curb my urge for something new. Does that make sense?

Okay I got totally side tracked, Nicolas finally added a fan photo page and 3 of my pictures are up there, yay! See here. Which reminds me to get his fan page up that I’ve been on and off working on since…. November lol.

There was a song that a friend of mine suggested when I was down one day… I can’t remember the name, lets hope its on my itunes… its this song Hope – Rain Don’t Last. And this song always makes me feel better when I’m having a hard time trying to figure out why things are the way they are. Even though I think I have a pretty good hold on being positive, some days are just harder than others. Just like with OCD, some days are better and easier than others… but life isn’t perfect and there’s no way that in this life or in the previous or in the next that we’ll have all perfect days.

I know things right now are hard, things will always be hard. That’s the beauty of life, it’s hard. It’s challenging. It pushes you. It’s up to you to push back. And even though right now I can’t see a light at the end of this very long and dark tunnel, I know there is one. It’s just up to me to find it. And I know I will, with time.

When you think about giving up, think of why you’ve held on for so long.